Back when I was a kid I liked this film, I preferred any Japanese Godzilla film over this one, but I didn't mind this one, and while thinking of reviewing it, I was considering being a complete dick and tearing the film apart. But instead I decided to be fair, who knows, maybe in my years of loving Godzilla, having not watched this film for several years, I'd formed a warped image of it in my head, having just watched it again, I now know what to do.
So let's be fair and reasonable, or at least try to be, I do like this film's opening scene, when a Japanese fishing boat is attacked, I think it's a fairly good introduction. Unfortunately it's brief, and we are then introduced to Nick totopobopoulus, who's difficult to pronounce name is a running joke throughout the film. This guy is annoying, not tear your eyes out of their sockets annoying, but he's not particularly bearable, funnily enough though he's actually the easiest character to tolerate. His girlfriend on the other hand, played by Maria Pitillo, oh my fucking god, she is tear your eyes out of their sockets level annoying, as are her co-workers, maybe not so much Hank Azaria, but that other bitch, without a doubt, I hope New Yorkers don't actually talk like that. The French secret service guys are actually pretty funny, because I don't think it's possible to be more French than these guys, there is admittedly fun to be had with these guys, but like the New York news crew, I don't think they accurately represent your average Frenchman. It's also worth noting that these actors don't exactly seem to be giving their all, and they are working with material that is god awful, I'm sure we're all familiar with "that's a lot of fish", but the shit writing doesn't stop there, there's an unbearable love story here, mostly because of how annoying Maria Pitillo is, and they have stupid dialogue that is at least less cringe worthy than a Stephanie Meyer novel. This film's plot also makes no sense, a reason is given for Godzilla being in New York, but it's not a good one, and we are supposed to believe that this monster can go completely undetected in a major population centre like New York, there are numerous plot holes like this, and it only gets worse with other little details that make my head hurt to think about, for example who writes top secret on a video tape and then leaves it lying around, this film's plot is a mess.
Godzilla also suffers from pacing issues, it opens with an admittedly cool scene, then the film grinds to a halt between Godzilla attacks, focusing instead on Topobolopous, and lots of talking with the Army trying to kill Godzilla and the French secret service trying to find and destroy his nest, these slower dialogue driven sections are fucked by the shifty writing and annoying characters, and makes the film's lengthy run time of 139 minutes almost unbearable, I say almost because of the scenes where things are actually happening, but I'll go into them later. Let's talk about Godzilla himself, for this film Sony pictures did away with the suitmation of the classic Toho films in favour of CG, this in itself isn't a bad thing, if the special effects are done well. Unfortunately, this film was made in a period when Hollywood had learned that anything was possible with CG, and just pumped out epic CG blockbuster after epic CG blockbuster, not giving a damn about how well the effects will hold up after time, which is to say the CG is for the most part pretty bad. Where practical effects are used they are decent, but nothing incredible, these instances are very infrequent though, and the dated CG leaves much more of an impact. The monster in this film is an interesting one to me, while I agree that it is a travesty, and to name it Godzilla is utterly shameful, I think the design of the monster itself is decent, if perhaps rather lazy, it lacks the charm of the real Godzilla, but it isn't in itself horrible. I do however hate that it eats fish, and that it has babies.
The scenes where Godzilla isn't having his way with New York are boring and slow, that said, this is a Roland Emmerich movie, which means for all the flaws it has, if you turn your brain off you might be able to squeeze some fun out of it's big action sequences. Most of which consist of either the Army chasing Godzilla through the city, or Godzilla chasing the humans through the city. There is fun to be had in these scenes, as Godzilla tears through the city either on the tail of our humans or with the army on his tail, but it's only for the part of your brain that can just sit back and enjoy destruction, without pesky inhibitors like standards in the way. But here's a problem with these scenes, when they end, and your brain comes back online, you start to think about it, and then you start to go deeper, and deeper, and you slowly begin to mine away every little lump of enjoyment left, this is never worse than in the film's ending, where Godzilla goes down like a complete bitch, it's amazing that the army failed a few times to kill him with everything they had and then a missile is all it took to kill him. The film does try to mix thing up with a scene in Godzilla's nest where an army of Godzilla babies are hunting the humans, but this scene is more comical than it is scary, which is clearly what they were going for, it looked like they were trying their luck at stealing the kitchen scene in Jurassic Park, but they fail, hard, give me raptors over these big rubber hand puppets any day of the week.
The 1998 Godzilla is a failure, it fails to capture the spirit of the Japanese films, it fails to please fans of those films, and most importantly it fails to be a good movie on it's own, with a nonsensical plot, infuriating characters, shit writing, dated special effects and awful pacing, it drops the ball in almost every way. There is enjoyment to be found in it's action sequences, but they still offer very little to wash the taste of the film's numerous other flaws out of your mouth. Even if it weren't called Godzilla it would be a bad movie, but it's name is just the last nail in the coffin for this mess of a movie.
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