Darkest Hour movie review

Here's what you need to know; it's 1940, and the unstoppable advance of the Nazis across Europe has sent the British Parliament into complete anarchy, forcing the resignation of the Prime Minister, and triggering the creation of a new Government, with Winston Churchill, the most hated man in the party, as PM. Churchill isn't prepared to let his detractors win however, as he defiantly pushes forward against the undefeatable Germans, still holding onto his belief that Britain should never bow to the Reich, but should resist its tyranny until the very end, even if the very end means the complete destruction of Britain itself.
I'd pretty much concluded that I'd not be watching this film in cinemas since I went to see Three Billboards a few weeks ago, given that I've been grinding away on Borderlands 2 since the start of December, but as usually happens, I took up the opportunity to go to the cinemas again and went to see this, an Oscar nominated political drama, I can imagine the person I saw it with wasn't expecting it to be so political.

The film's opening struck me immediately; with grainy black and white footage showcasing the Nazi's military might, the use of music in this sequence is fantastic, setting a very sombre and bleak tone that accompanies certain points of the film. I say only certain points because this film actually has humour in it, a surprising amount in fact; and unlike the last film I reviewed, and especially like the next, this one's actually funny. But the film doesn't overdo it, the comedy, while there, and effective, is sparse, Darkest Hour is a Drama and a Political Thriller, and it makes sure to stay on target for the vast majority of its runtime. This film is also very much about the politics; don't go into this film expecting a biopic about Winston Churchill, that's in here, but the film very specifically takes place in the early stages of him being PM, portraying the political crisis of the time, both the one coming from Europe, and the one coming from within the conservative party, as the knives come out against Churchill, it's nice to know that British politics hasn't changed. That however may work to the film's detriment, as this is a very political film; there's a lot of political jargon getting thrown around, and, it being a historical piece, a lot of references to real world people and events that will leave a casually viewer that doesn't care much for history a bit lost. The film's more intense moments usually take place inside the tight, claustrophobic, beautifully shot confines of the war rooms, so don't expect to see anything like Dunkirk or Saving Private Ryan, there's practically none of that here. A major subplot in this film is the conspiracy in the Conservative party to trigger a vote of no confidence, while also trying to pressure Churchill into entering negotiations with the Germans, Operation Dynamo A.K.A Dunkirk also has a big part to play in this film's story, and is a cool parallel on the events of the recent Dunkirk film, though the two aren't related. Also, like Dunkirk, the film doesn't stay entirely true to historical events, it goes off book in a few key scenes, this I'm alright with, since it's a film, and films generally need to take on some sort of narrative or dramatic structure, so as for them doing a bit of fictionalising to make the film more coherent, if anything it's a good thing, as it makes for a hyper badass ending speech, and a really sweet scene with Churchill on the London Underground, and I mean sweet in the mushy sense, unfortunately.

In addition to being heavily political, the film is also quite heavily dramatic, as Churchill takes on various forms of opposition, including but not limited to the threat of a coming German invasion, and the threat of him being ousted from his position as PM through political backstabbing. What's strange is the film's portrayal of Churchill himself, as the film doesn't portray him as a wise, kind old man, but instead as a mumbling, rude alcoholic with a temper and questionable judgement, in his first scene with Lily James, he makes her cry and run out of the room, though it is played for comedy. Churchill, despite being a twat in some scenes, is absolutely the highlight of the film, and naturally a huge part of that is Gary Oldman, who's practically unrecognisable in the role under all that makeup, and mumbling, but IRL Churchill was a mumbler, so that's bonus points. I found myself really liking Churchill in the film, as it delves into his reasoning for the actions he takes, and him and Lily James have some really good scenes together, as well as with Kristen Scott Thomas, who plays his wife. Possibly the second best thing in the film behind Churchill is Ben Mendelsohn as King George, who starts off on very rough terms with Churchill, but the evolution of their relationship from enemies to friends was really awesome to watch. The film also delves a bit into George and the reasons for his actions too, and it lends the film an excellent sense of scale, expanding its scope beyond the confines of the war rooms, as he is forced to also consider the prospect of his nation being invaded by the Germans, which, as well as expanding the film's scope, excellently adds a sense of bleakness that is reflected brilliantly in a few scenes throughout the film, including the opening. The film does however, surprisingly, have a lack of war scenes, clearly that's not the point of the film, but I was still surprised that this film didn't focus more on the war itself, it doesn't effect the film anyway, but it's definitely something to keep in mind if you want some excitement in your viewing experience, this film isn't very exciting. The film's characters really are the highlights, that and the excellent speech, damn that was a good speech, though it is a bit more dramatic in the film than it is in real life, just a bit.

Darkest Hour is a fascinating film; I can see this film easily boring a lot of casual movie goers with its intense focus on politics, but the drama and comedy redeem that political stuff, assuming it's not your cup of tea, I personally found it really interesting. But what really makes this film worth watching is it's cast; Gary Oldman, Ben Mendelsohn, Lily James and Kristen Scott Thomas are all really, really good, particularly Ben Mendelsohn and, of course, Gary Oldman, who, if I gave a shit about the Academy Awards, would say deserves to win that best actor award, as he completely steals the show. Darkest Hour is not for everyone, but if you fancy a good drama that's excellently performed, of you fancy a bit of politics that isn't complete bullshit, Darkest Hour's for you, I'd say it's worth watching.

Transformers (2007) movie review

Here's what you need to know; Sam Witwicky is having trouble attracting the ladies, and reckons his new car, a 1975 Camaro, will improve his chances, little does he know what he's about to find himself embroiled in, as a US military base is wiped out by an unknown enemy, and mysterious beings begin raining from sky, he discovers that his car is in fact a Transformer, and that an ancient, alien war is on its way to Earth, one that will leave the fate of Humanity hanging in the balance.
Backstory time, 10 years ago I watched a film, and that film was the coolest thing 11 year old me had ever seen, that film was Transformers, and it introduced me to a franchise that I've held close to my heart ever since. But while I went on to love shows like Transformers: Prime and games like Fall of Cybertron, my love of the films waned significantly, as I was becoming more critical of films, and I was realising that they aren't all that good. Fast forward to now, I bought the original movie from 1986 on Blu ray, and watched it a few times, and then I started listening to Steve Jablonsky's score for the 2007 movie, which I already had on Blu ray, along with the rest of the series, because I knew this day would come, the day I go on a Transformers kick. What surprised me was how little of this film I actually remembered, which if anything just means I can watch it fresh, so does Transformers suck, let's find out.

The film, in all honesty, probably has the best opening that a transformers film could have, as we have a little prologue where Optimus Prime pontificates about the Allspark, and we see probably the coolest scene in the film right out the gate, as a Decepticon wreaks havoc on a Military base in Qatar,though this scene is actually a perfect metaphor for the rest of the film, including the warts, oh those warts. This is actually a somewhat interesting film for me, as while the common consensus is that this franchise sucks, there are actually good things about this film, there are also bad things, but we'll get round to explaining later. This film's characters leave me somewhat conflicted; let's start with Sam, the film tries to make Sam believable as a dorky social outcast who can't get ladies, and it does it well, the problem the film has however is making him likable, as it struggles to differentiate endearing and annoying. Some of the humour in the film works, and some of it doesn't; the parents for example are not funny, they're awkward and annoying, and while that was probably the film's intention, it does it too well. The same can be said of Megan Fox, whose name in the film I don't remember, some of her humour works, and some of it's really awkward, and then you have the inconsistent delivery, which only makes the awkward worse. A problem that sadly isn't unique to Megan Fox is shallowness, the film struggles with developing its characters effectively, Sam is exactly the same character at the end of the film as he is at the start, and while the film weaves an interesting past with a family artefact of his, that doesn't make Sam any more compelling, it's just a plot convenience if anything, the film tries to give Megan Fox a backstory that's morally muddy, but it still fails to make her character any more compelling. The line between funny and annoying is also walked by John Turturro, who plays a Sector Seven agent on the tail of the Transformers, but it's a problem that applies to everyone in this film, so going case by case would be a waste of time. The standouts in my opinion are the soldiers, they were very conventional soldier characters, yes, but there was a good sense of comradery between them, and they actually put up a fight against the Decepticons, making them not completely useless. The film juggles several plots for its absurdly long runtime of 140 minutes, and it's at least consistent in its flaws, as they all suffer from poor attempts at comedy and shallow, poorly developed characters, it's cool to see these three main plots converge in the finale, though there is a distinct divide between the three in terms of being engaging, and none of them are free of the film's flaws. You have the story with Sam and the Autobots, then the story with the Secretary of the Defence, the unrealistically hot Australian hacker and her basement dwelling video game playing super hacker trope friend, then the story of the Qatar airbase soldiers being stalked across the desert by a giant Cybertronian scorpion. All of these stories work on paper, as we see a civilian, government, and military perspective on this invasion, the problem is in execution, as the film at times seems to think that it's a comedy, and it's poor characterisation leaves the film severely lacking in emotional weight, the stakes in the more intense moments are weak as hell, and when a supporting character is killed, quite brutally, in the film's finale, it's a frustratingly hollow moment. Add onto that an abrupt ending and you have the essentials of a dumb movie.

Something that very strangely gets sidelined in this film is the Transformers themselves, the film delivers disappointingly little when fleshing out the Transformers, the basics; Autobots, Decepticons, Cybertron, Allspark, are glossed over in a few exposition scenes, but the film falls far, far, far short of doing the story of the Transformers justice, and sadly, that's just the tip of the iceberg. The weak characterisation and poor comedy that plagues the film's human characters, inexcusably, carries over to the Transformers too; Bumblebee probably has the most distinct personality of the Transformers, which is really bad given that he can't talk, Jazz is simply 'cool' as in vague, vacuous cool, Frenzy's a twitchy little shithead, and is admittedly pretty entertaining, and Iron Hide is the heavy weapons specialist, 'nough said. The Decepticons get it the worst in this film, Barricade gets a funny visual wink and nod, Brawl has the strange issue of the writers not knowing what his name is, but what really sticks in my side is Starscream, easily my favourite character in the Transformers franchise, who has literally no personality in this film, none of the character's sliminess or cowardice is present in the film, Blackout gets given more personally than him, and all he says is "All Hail Megatron." But despite this film's injustice towards Starscream, it's nothing compared to what they did to Optimus Prime. Peter Cullen voices Optimus Prime, and not a single ill word can be spoken about that combination, it's timeless, and there are moments when Optimus Prime really gets to shine, he has a great monologue in the film, one that emphasises his values of freedom and his compassion towards humanity, but even with Peter Cullen doing the voice, the wisdom and nobility of Optimus Prime struggles to shine through, instead we get a character that spouts the same clumsy writing as the human characters, and the fish out of water scenario, in addition to being about as standard as you can get, is just unbefitting of the character, as is the line, "Sorry, my bad," it just seems off. Megatron doesn't fair much better sadly, like Optimus Prime, there are instances where he shines, but then there are times when he's just a bad guy, the malicious, tyrannical monster is there, but with none of cunning. Apart from mutilating one Autobot and having the obligatory fight with Optimus at the end, he doesn't really do much, which is made even sadder by the fact Hugo Weaving is really good with the voice, and again, like Optimus, there are slithers of Megatron buried in there somewhere beneath the shallow characterisation and clumsy writing, he has a great line about Optimus fighting for the weak, the film just needed more. Make no mistake, this isn't as bad as Thunderbirds, where they replaced the Tracy brothers with boy band members, or Godzilla, where they replaced Godzilla with whatever that thing was, this film gives you the basics of the Transformers lore and doesn't completely shit on it, I just wish they focused more on the Transformers, rather than Sam and his awkward parents, or the US Government not knowing what country to go to war with.

So far I've been, shall we say, unkind to this film, but I did say that there are good things in this film, and that at some point I'd get round to them, well sadly I'm not done criticising yet, so be patient. The film, as previously stated, is long, really long even at 140 minutes, and a film with a runtime like that can still be great; The Dark Knight, which came out a year later and was 10 minutes longer, was amazing, but where this film slips up can be quite adequately summarised in the first 10 minutes of the film. We are first shown an action sequence with Blackout wiping out the US Army in Qatar, this scene is action packed and exciting, and is one of the times when Steve Jablonsky's excellent music really comes into its own, the scene doesn't outstay it's welcome, but what follows is a complete detachment from that scene, both in terms of story and, more importantly, in terms of tone. We go from people dying and the Army being powerless to stop it, emboldened by Jablonsky's music, to Sam being stupid in a class room, while being laughed at by the cool kids who think that sextant is a funny word, in addition to being really immature, given the previous few minutes of death and destruction, the tonal shift from that death and destruction to childish immaturity is really jarring, and this isn't the only time the film does this, as it bounces from awkward high school comedy with Sam, to political thriller with the Secretary of Defence, to war film with the soldiers in Qatar, it's like three films got smashed together, and it really hurts the film's pacing. Equally damaging to the film's pacing is the previously mentioned poor comedy and poor characterisation, which make getting invested in the characters a challenge, leaving only the serviceable sci fi thriller plot to drag it out of the dirt, one that's bogged down by awkward humour, what's truly funny is how all of this film's flaws stack on top of one another, making it harder and harder to like the film the more you think about it, wait, how many paragraphs in am I? That's not a bad note to start talking about the good on, yes, despite 2 and a half paragraphs of negatives, it's now time to get to the positives. In terms of presentation, the film is a mixed bag; and for once I speak not of visual effects, which are actually kind of flawless across the board. The CG effects are fantastic, the Transformers look really nice, their transformations are massively intricate, as are their robot modes, with so many moving parts that it's honestly staggering that it looks as good as it does, and this film even uses practical effects in some shots, which is both unexpected and really nice, but that's because I'm a sucker for practical effects, so seeing a physical, real Frenzy aboard Air Force One, before again seeing the CG one scampering across the ceiling and taking out secret service guys, reinforces the illusion that these things are supposed to be physical.

What I mean by mixed bag is editing and cinematography; some of the cinematography is excellent in this film, even if a lot of it stinks of Michael Bay, but I guess he knows that the only way to make a sunset more beautiful is to silhouette a MH-53 helicopter against it, I'm telling you, it's downright pornographic. On the subject of pornographic, this film is directed by Michael Bay and stars Megan Fox, and we all know what that means; a lot of shots of ass and midriff, I don't really know how appropriate that is for a film based on a kids show, and if anything it's one of the Michael Bayisms in this film that borders on obnoxious. My biggest issue with the cinematography is the shaky cam, which the film uses a lot, and doesn't go very well with the fluid, gorgeous cinematography showcasing the CG Transformers. The opening sequence with the attack on the base has this problem, while also showcasing that Bay knows how to make an action sequence that isn't completely incoherent, the film uses a lot of hand-held camera shots, which look good alongside the delicious mounted and tracking shots, but at the justifiable expense of the shaky cam, which is just plain bad. The editing is mostly solid, save for the film's weird habit of reusing footage, in fact in the first 5 minutes there's a scene where they use the same shot, as in literally the same shot, twice in the span of 15 seconds, they use another 2 shots from the base attack, as well as a shot from a car chase later in the film, again during the setup to the finale, maybe it's something only an aspie like myself would spot, and I will admit that it doesn't destroy the viewing experience, but it's just something I noticed. Another thing that I think is solid about this film is its music, with a score composed by Steve Jablonsky, granted it's not the most original musical score in existence, especially if you've seen any films with scores by the likes of Hans Zimmer, but the music can be effective in this film at times, I like it. And on a note that I honestly can't knock the film for, in the finale, when the Autobots and Decepticons finally throw down, it's entertaining, granted it's very mindlessly entertaining, there isn't any grace to it, similar to the good parts of a Roland Emmerich film, but I guess that's exactly what a kid would want to see in a film about giant alien robots fighting each other, I know, I was there. It honestly is a lot of fun watching this film's finale, it's big, dumb and action packed, as Transformers are flying and driving around and pounding each other into scrap metal, it's not particularly stylish or flashy, in fact it's kind of a mess, but it's fun, I can't deny that. And the film's ending, while abrupt, does leave the film on a positive note, following the cool battle.

This may be the longest movie review I've ever written, but I suppose I've just got a lot to say about this film. Transformers is a very interesting film for me, because I don't hate it, nor do I want to hate it. The film is not good; it's overly long, poorly paced, has bad writing (kind of like my reviews,) has underdeveloped and weak characters, a muddled plot, and only a surface level representation of the Transformers. But the film has excellent special effects, some excellent, if baseline music, some excellent cinematography, shaky cam notwithstanding, and some really fun action, as the Transformers kick the piss out of one another in the film's climax. I do have fun when I watch this film, it's a completely serviceable movie; not good, but not bad enough that you want it to die in a fire, I hear that comes later. Transformers is a perfectly competent, if dumb movie, and it's not a complete waste of time to watch.

A winter wasteland

 My camera and I had a busy few days over the weekend; first we went to a birthday party and took a few hundred grainy, dark photos of drunk people, I'll be honest, that wasn't the most fun thing I've ever done with a camera, but the party people seemed to like them, and I got video of my drunk sister dancing to Dua Lipa's New Rules, which is about as funny as it is awkward. Fortunately my camera had a far more exciting mission the following day, when we had to take my sister back to Uni, which meant driving to Huddersfield, again. As is only right, I insisted that we drive over the Moor again, as I'd packed my camera again and we could see that the moor was covered in snow, and to my surprise, we actually did end up driving over the Moor, and it was awesome. Honestly, these will probably be the best photos I'll take in 2018, and trudging through snow, eyeing rolling snow covered hills and a gorgeous sunset through the lens of a DSLR camera, is just on another level of euphoria to being surrounded by drunk strangers, though that's just me. And as I sometimes do, I went a bit cuckoo on my free photo editor of choice, and created a few hyper saturated abominations that make the sky look like it's on fire, but it never hurts to have fun, unless you're a sadomasochist.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri movie review (with spoilers)

Here's what you need to know; in the quiet, unassuming town of Ebbing, Missouri, the rape and murder of Mildred Hayes' daughter has been all but forgotten, but after months of the case going nowhere, Mildred decides that the police in charge of the case need a little more motivation, completely aware that the three billboards she plans to put up will bring complete chaos to the little town, and make her a lot of new enemies, what she doesn't know is just how insane things are about to get, and of the unlikely friends she makes in her quest for justice.
In an unexpected twist, my dad is the one who wanted to watch this film, after reading in the local paper that it was the best film ever, I actually fancied watching Darkest Hour instead, but I didn't mind watching Three Billboards, since I'd heard such good things, my concern was actually that dad would fall asleep, second unexpected twist, he actually didn't, to my surprise, third unexpected twist, we really liked it, and won't shut up about it, I guess I now know how that feels. On an important note, I will be bringing up spoilers in this review, but I'll save them for the end, and trust me, if you have any interest in watching the film, which you should, you don't want spoilers, so give them a skip if you haven't seen it.

Three Billboards is a hard film to talk about, since it's such an interestingly structured film; a lot of the beats you'd expect in a film like this never happen, it's something that must immediately be brought up, since a lot of audience expectation is going to be subverted and undermined, what this means however is that this film is an amazing piece of storytelling, the film's twists are excellent and the directions it takes a lot of its characters is striking, there are moments in this film that were really giving me the feels, as huge emotional moments were happening, and I genuinely didn't see a lot of them coming, one in particular that really changed how I look at this film, for the better. This does mean that people who want a certain thing out of their films will possibly be disappointed; someone who looks at this film wanting a go-girl quest for Justice will not be getting that, the film doesn't play it safe with its story, nor does it play it clean, which is something I adored about it. If you'd watch the red-band trailer on YouTube, you'd know that this film has some colourful vocabulary, but believe me, the trailer was just a taste, Frances McDormand, Woody Harrelson and the rest of the cast fuck, piss, shit, cunt, bitch and nigger their way through this entire film and it is hilarious, way more so than it really should be, but the film's language doesn't feel out of place, rather it feels justified, deserved, it works for the story and characters, and I can't stress enough how funny it is. This film doesn't hold itself back, not just in its language, but in its content and depiction of violence, which is both unexpected and extreme; this film deals with a lot of touchy subjects like domestic abuse, police brutality, racism, and depression and grief in a very brutally honest way, and despite showing some real nasty shit, it still manages to be an uplifting film, that is down to the fantastic writing, but it's even more down to the excellent characters. Frances McDormand's Mildred is not your typical hero in this film, she's not this paragon in search of justice like a film with this subject matter could have employed, rather, she's kind of cunt; she's in it for justice, sure, but she doesn't care about how other people may feel about it, and she doesn't get weighed down by the abuse and harassment her and her son get, she just gives it back, and it's usually violent, which in this context is interchangeable with hilarious. It's amazing that the film can take a character like Mildred and make her so likable, but it does, she's awesome, you're completely on board with her one-woman army mentality, even when the film forces you question whether or not what she's doing is right, which is actually does, rather than making Mildred a Mary Sue. This is where Woody Harrelson's Willoughby comes in, the Chief of police and seemingly the target of Mildred's campaign, this is another area where the film doesn't play it safe; as Mildred and Willoughby are both going through turmoil in their lives, and are actually sympathetic to each other's problems, Willoughby isn't played as a villainous, lazy cop who never does anything to catch the bad guy, he's a family man, he's loved by the community, and wants to get justice for Mildred and her murdered daughter, he's legitimately a good dude, the villainous, lazy cop role is instead filled by Sam Rockwell, who plays Dixon. Dixon is the epitome of douchebag in this film; he doesn't care about his job, abuses his position of authority in the police force, and is the antagonistic force in Mildred's crusade, as his hatred for the billboards is unjustifiably intense. And it would have been so easy to make Rockwell the villain of the film, since he's such a monumental twat, but this is where the film really takes risks, as it gives this racist, arrogant, hateful, abusive guy a chance at redemption, one that makes him a surprisingly humble and likable character, and is another testament to this film's excellent storytelling. Also Peter Dinklage is in this film, and he rocks that pornstar moustache like a boss, and did I mention this film was funny. The film is darkly comedic, yes, but it's also very well paced, I was never bored, and clearly neither was my dad. If there is a flaw with the film's storytelling however, one which I myself don't hold to be a flaw, the film's ending is abrupt; the film doesn't build to a big climactic conclusion, instead relying on implication to round out its story, and I know for sure that the final big twist of the film is something that a lot of people will not like, I'll explain why when I break out the spoilers, and I personally really like it, but I can understand why others would not, even why they would hate it, it's just one of those divisive endings, I guess.

Right, now for the spoilery stuff, the real reasons I love this film, so there's the warning, there's going to be Spoilers for Three Billboards past this point, so if you don't want them, which you don't, skip to the end. I'll start with Sam Rockwell's Dixon. For the majority of the film, he does fill an antagonistic role; with the film repeatedly referring to his history of being abusive to black people, which makes for a scene that had me in stitches when Mildred tries to get a rise out of him by asking about the nigger torturing, and he tries to correct her by being politically correct, arguing that it's now people-of-colour torturing, which almost made me keel over from laughter. But there's a scene where he goes to the offices of the guy who's renting the billboards out to Mildred and gets really violent, smashing their front door in, punching him and his assistant in the face, and then throwing him out of an upstairs window, which is about as low as he gets in this film, and is made even better by the fact that it costs him his job. I bring this up because it's at this point that his redemption begins, through circumstances I won't go into, he ends up in the hospital, and ends up sharing a room with the guy he threw out of a window, and he says sorry. Past that point he instigates a bar fight with someone who he overhears bragging about something that sounds very similar to Hildred's Daughter's murder, with the goal of collecting DNA evidence, right now in the film he's on his way being a hero, as it looks like him, of all people, will be the one who gets justice for Mildred, and by the end of the film, him and Mildred form some sort of alliance/friendship in their now shared quest for vengeance. Like I said earlier, the film could have easily just made him the villain, and he'd have been a serviceable villain, but it didn't, because this film isn't that simple. What else isn't that simple is Mildred; there's a scene where we see that Mildred really is on her own in this campaign, even her son and ex-husband hate the billboards, and we see it really straining the relationship between her and her son, and the film goes out of its way to not be one-sided. You get why her son hates the billboards, and you get why she feels the need to push forward, because she has nothing left; her relationship with her son is broken, she's lived an abusive life with her ex-husband, she's been all but forgotten by the rest of Ebbing, and, something we learn in a very dark scene, she feels responsibility for her daughter's murder, and it's this exploration of grief and guilt that is yet another reason I love the film. Then there's Willoughby, who is terminally ill, there's a few things about that that caught me by complete surprise, first, when he suddenly coughs up blood during a scene with Mildred, it literally comes out of nowhere, it happens mid sentence, and things like that add weight to the film, the film grounds itself in things like that; it's hard to find justice when there's no evidence to make any arrests, which really sucks when you're a grieving mother, but when you're the chief of police, there's not a lot you can do, unexpected things will happen, and some of them will be bad things, like terminal illness, or a murder, the film does a good job of giving its characters positive and negative attributes, even its heroes. And then Willoughby kills himself. I'll be honest, that was the moment that I decided that I loved this film, it cemented Willoughby in my mind as an awesome character, and it brought a new level of weight to the film, as we hear through a narrated suicide note his reasons for taking his own life, and it's simultaneously beautiful and harrowing, and puts the previous ten minutes or so of the film in a context that punched me in the gut with how good it was. The fact that he likens the billboards to a game of Chess, and admits to paying for the next month of her rent as his countermove, was fucking brilliant. And then there's the biggest spoiler of all, they don't catch the killer, yup, after an entire film of trying to get justice, Mildred ends up not getting justice. This is easily the most unsafe play the film makes, since you'd really expect that in the end, there'd be a happy ending, but there's not, the guy who Dixon suspected wasn't the killer. This is what I think will really disappoint some viewers, even piss them off, but I think it's brilliant; the film has relentlessly never given any of its characters a break, to me, it would have been weird for the film to change that for the sake of a happy ending, and I can understand why it would piss people off that the murderer ends up not going down, but I love it all the same, as well as Mildred's decision to screw justice and settle for revenge, as her and Dixon set out to murder Dixon's suspect, who isn't their guy, but who Dixon is convinced is a rapist. It's then left ambiguous as to whether or not they kill the guy, or even if he is or isn't a rapist, which is a bit unfulfilling, but is no doubt deliberately so, since the film had been so unapologetic up to that point, and up until that point hadn't given a damn about audience expectation or fulfilment.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri is a film that I love more and more the more I think about it, and I wasn't even too excited to watch it, but damn is it good. Where the film really shines is in its characters and writing, with it's strange ability to make thoroughly unlikable people likable, and it's insistence on using adult language like it was going out of style, but what really makes this film stand out to me is how it tells its story, with twists and turns and a subversive ending that, in keeping with the bleak tone of the film, really worked, the film is an alluring mix of comical and entertaining, and morbidly depressing, and I really enjoyed it. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri is great, and is definitely worth watching.

Moar Blu Rays: December 2017

New year, new idea, and no, it isn't converting to Buddhism or throwing myself off a cliff, though both of those options have been on the table in just the past few days, 2018's off to a great start. The new idea comes from me running out of Blu Ray storage space, since I have so many of them, literally hundreds, and since there's always a steady supply of new ones coming in, I thought maybe keeping up to date on them would be a good idea. Christmas saw a heavy influx of new Blu Rays this year, so if I bother to do one of these every month, which is the plan right now, this one will be a lot bigger than usual. Since the start of December, I've acquired 21 new Blu Rays, and we'll start with the obvious; half of them are Marvel movies, that's simply because Infinity War is coming, and I want to catch up with the last decade of Marvel releases before it comes out, only Hulk to go now and I'll have the complete set, I just have to then watch them. We also have 4 Tim Burton films, only one of which I give a shit about, and that's The Nightmare Before Christmas, but it was bundled with Ed Wood, Alice in Wonderland and Frankenweenie, 3 films I haven't seen, and am not in a rush to see, maybe Frankenweenie, maybe. Surprisingly, while I'm unashamedly a fan of the new Disney Star Wars films (crucify me, go ahead) I only own Rogue One and The Force Awakens on Blu Ray, so I decided to rectify that and buy the complete set. Upside, I now have the complete Star Wars collection on Blu Ray, downside, I now have the Star Wars Prequels on Blu Ray, but that's all very by the by. Possibly one of the strangest films to now be a part of my collection is The Transformers: The Movie, the original animated film from 1986, I was actually quite the little Transformers fan in my younger years, and while it was a really dumb, stupid movie, I saw it at HMV for £10 and bought it without hesitation. Dunkirk, given that it was in my top 5 favourite films of 2017, I really don't think that one needs an explanation. Then there's Atomic Blonde and American Made, two films that I'm lumping together because they were in the category of films I saw in cinemas that I never reviewed, not because they're comparable, because they're not, but they are both alright films. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, a surprise addition, coming from someone who assumed that it would make an alright Christmas present, but I didn't think it looked that bad from the trailers, so I'll probably end up putting that one at the top of the pile, figuratively speaking. And then there's the odd one out; Shin Godzilla. I did enjoy it when I first watched it and wrote my review, but me and some friends watched it just a few weeks ago, and they were bored out of their minds, and I couldn't blame them, because I was bored too. So why's it in my Blu Ray collection instead of my foreign language DVD's, simple; it's Godzilla, All Monsters Attack is a fucking terrible movie, but if I ever had the chance to get it on Blu Ray, I'd jump on it, because it's Godzilla. And with that concludes my December 2017 Blu Ray hoard, January 2018 will be smaller, but I'm cool with that, because movies are pretty much the only things left in my life that I get any enjoyment out of, so I might as well keep feeding that addiction.

2017: A year of Photos

 And with 2017 coming to a close, it's time to look back on the past 12 months, to go through the tens of thousands of photos I've snapped, and see if there are any standouts. If you ask me, I'd say that there aren't, but that's because I have seriously low self esteem and my photography posts sometimes become windows into my broken mind, though I'm sure that if you asked my mum, she'd say I'm a really good photographer, and she'd say that with absolutely no bias, I'm sure. But, getting past all of that drivel, I do think that I have taken some at least half decent photos this year, and here they are, some edited, some not, all taken with my Nikon D3300, which this year has developed a name, a name totally not reflective of just how depressing my outlook on life is, oh, more drivel, got to get back to the photos. These photos were taken in many places; including Tenby, a little town the Pembrokeshire coast where I spend what are usually the best 2 weeks of my year, Saddleworth Moor, the Royal Air Force museum in Cosford, a few classic car shows, and things worth taking photos of that are within walking distance of where I live, which really isn't a lot, depressingly, no wonder I'm also taking photos of toy ATATs.

2017: A Year of Movies

I doubt that this will come as a surprise, but after a year, I still haven't learned to be responsible with my money, but thankfully I don't have to worry about paying for movies, thanks to my Odeon Limitless membership, which I've used about 50 times this year, and that's not a joke, I counted my tickets, 58 times to be exact. This of course means that I've watched even more movies this year, making this my hardest top ten list to date, by a considerable margin. And as usual, I still haven't seen every film released in 2017, so I'm sure there are some out there that would be on the list had I watched them, but of the ones I did, these are my favourites, organised into a neat little list because top tens are popular, for some reason.

Honourable mentions include Wonder Woman; the fact that a Wonder Woman movie turned out not only to not be complete shit, but the best thing DC's come out with since The Dark Knight, still boggles my mind, it's a pretty good film, but still not film of the year material, at least for me.
Life; a solid science fiction horror film that did follow most of the familiar beats of the genre, not really breaking any sort of mold, but it had cool characters, a fascinating monster, and an ending that scared the living fuck out of me, which instantly gives the film top marks in my book, as it really doesn't happen often, not like that anyway.
Ghost in the Shell; I film surrounded by controversy, one I've written about at length, and a film that, I felt, did a lot right, a lot more than it was given credit for by the vast majority of reviewers. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but a lot of the strengths from the anime were adapted very well, and in some aspects, I even thought it made improvements, like making the characters better and interspersing its philosophy with some really enjoyable action sequences, good film, would recommend.
And the dishonourable mention goes to The Emoji Movie, because fuck The Emoji Movie, enough said.

Number 10 is Blade Runner 2049. I can imagine you'll be seeing this film at the high end of a lot of people's top 10s, but not me. Without a doubt, this is the most technically proficient film of the year, maybe even of the past few years, with stunning visual effects, a bleak and oppressive soundtrack, and cinematography that is literally second to none. The film has an intriguing story and excellent characters, but does struggle with a pace that something gets really hard to sit through, but the things it gets right are impossible to ignore, so here it is at number 10.

Number 9 was a hard one, since it was either Thor: Ragnarok or Wonder Woman, but after a good amount of weighing it up, I decided to make the less advisable move of picking Thor. Wonder Woman had its strengths, that is undeniable, but it also had its weaknesses, it had the badass Trench scene, and some sweet scenes with Steve Trevor and Diana, but then it had a really dumb big final battle that seemed to confuse the film's morals. My biggest complaint with Thor: Ragnarok was that it made too many jokes, I liked pretty much everything else, so, number 9.

Number 8 is one of two films on this list that I never reviewed, because I was too lazy to do it, you know me, I don't make excuses for myself. But just like its predecessor which I also loved, War for the Planet of the Apes has a long title, and is a film where I never knew what to expect, since it was such a splendid example of good story telling. It's twists and turns are numerous and effective, it's characters are terrific, even if they consist almost entirely of CG apes, the CG work and motion capture has never been and probably won't be done better until they make the next one, and the film is dark, like really dark, a bit rough to watch even, impressive for a film about talking monkeys, and it rounds out what's probably one of the best movie trilogies in recent years.

 

Number 7 is a film that would always have been on the list, even if, like Planet of the Apes, I didn't review it, Edgar Wright's latest masterpiece; Baby Driver. Baby Driver is certainly the most stylish film of the year that I've seen, with fantastic directing, very stylish and high energy editing, brilliantly snappy writing, and some seriously sweet car chases that completely make the film, that and the soundtrack, good god, the soundtrack. Baby Driver was a cracking film that I'd gladly have watched again, had my local cinema still been showing it, which for some weird reason they weren't.

 

Number 6 is the latest in my favourite dead movie genre; the Western, only it's disguised as a superhero film for more audience appeal because it's also an X-men film, that's right, it's Logan. Everything that needs to be said about this film has already been said, many times, by many people, with its grim, depressing portrayals of heroes who have fallen from grace, a uniquely small sense of scale in it's very effective story, and a few scenes that are completely heart breaking, including possibly the most satisfying ending to a superhero story that the genre has seen. It's hard hitting stuff, with a style completely dethatched from the flashy, larger than life X-men franchise, it's unique, brutal, and film of the year material through and through.

 

And on the complete opposite end of the scale is number 5, The Lego Batman Movie, a superhero movie that isn't dark, or bleak, or brutal, in fact what little that it does have in common with Logan is that it's not really much of a superhero movie, and that it's also amazing. The Lego Batman Movie has probably my second favourite portrayal of Batman, as not only does he have all of his Batmanisms, but the film relentlessly spoofs them at every chance it gets. Just how extensive and how merciless it's piss-taking of Batman is is funny enough, but on top of that, it's also really clever; similar to The Lego Movie, it's not just a standard animated film, it's one with something to say, and its message isn't shoehorned, it's woven seamlessly into this film's comedy, which is on overdrive, even by Lego Movie standards, its jokes are fast, witty, and brutally constant, and the film is a complete blast from beginning to end.

 

Number 4 is a film that, to my surprise, isn't in the number 1 slot this year, Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Yes, this film is very heavily debated among Star Wars fans, with some saying it sucks, and others saying it's brilliant, and seemingly no common ground at all; with the debate starting to get a bit too dogmatic in my opinion, only time will tell which side is right, but for now, I still think it's a pretty great movie. Narrative flaws aside, the film is thematically genius, beautifully directed, and tells a story that boldly forces you to leave all of your predictions and expectations at the door. But it is those narrative flaws; the forced conflicts, entire Canto Bight subplot, and the really sloppy romance, that hold it back from true greatness for me. That doesn't change the fact that when Poe was taking on a Dreadnought in his puny X-Wing, I was losing my mind with excitement, so it's still in the top 5.

 

Swooping in (pun intended, obviously) at number 3 is Dunkirk, a very peculiar film in a lot of ways, mainly in its narrative decisions, the relative lack of characterisation and the non-linear storytelling, but what the film offers instead is something far, far more impactful; a sense of dread and peril unlike anything any film this year has produced. This film's greatest strength is its ability to stop your breathing for prolonged periods, as the threat of death looms for literally every second of the film, and if this is getting a little emotive, it's because I'm listening to the Dunkirk soundtrack while writing this, and it's making me anxious just hearing it. Dunkirk is a very simple yet immensely effective film, and it's a film that I love for all of its perfections, and hate for how scared for my safety it makes me.

 

Something a bit less stressful than Dunkirk is number 2; Paddington 2, the most adorable, lovable, charming, and just darn cute film of the year. I still have no shame in the fact that among my favourite films are Paddington and its sequel, because there's just so much good dripping off of them, not just in terms of quality, but in terms of spirit, they're just so nice, Paddington is such a positive, joyous character to watch, and the sequel does the original justice in every way. The comedy is still relentless, the heart is still there, except it's even more gut punching in the sequel, and Paddington's love for everyone around him is heart melting, my love for this film is probably a little unhealthy, but I don't care, number 2, Paddington 2.

 

On second thought, maybe my love of my number 1 is even more unhealthy, at least there isn't a framed poster of Paddington 2 hanging in the upstairs hall, yet, unlike my favourite film of 2017, which is IT, and that part about the framed poster, yeah, that's true. Like my first time watching Wonder Woman, I went into IT very cautiously, knowing that it being completely terrible was a very real possibility, but instead IT ended up being easily the most moving film I've seen all year. And when I say moving, I mean completely grab me and not let go, spark an autistic obsession with a film, one that dragged me back to the cinema another 5 times, 2 of those times with a note pad, one that made me frame a poster of the film and hang it in my house, buy the book, buy the original miniseries on Blu-ray, frame my fucking cinema ticket and put it next to my framed Godzilla IMAX ticket (also true), I was obsessed, and was so for about 2 months. IT excels at basically everything that it does; it's a nail biting horror, a touching drama, a rib-tickling comedy, an intense thriller, and an intriguing mystery, and somehow the film juggles all of these things and doesn't become a train wreck, with a cast of characters that is unparalleled in the genre, and an unforgettable villain. Yes, I'm gushing, but what did you expect, I wrote a 4000 word analysis of this film, of all the films I've seen this year, no film has been as burned into my brain as IT, so it has to be my number 1, it can't not be.

 

And now you know what films I loved in 2017, and like I said at the beginning, there are a lot of films that I haven't seen; The shape of Water would almost certainly be on this list had I seen it, and films like Coco, Detroit, Darkest Hour and Only the Brave, films I would probably really like, I either haven't seen or haven't had the chance to see, I also skipped dumpster fires like Fifty Shades Darker because this is only a hobby and I'm not an idiot, ignoring the fact that I did see The Emoji Movie for just a second. This list is also just my stupid opinion, so if you think IT or The Last Jedi are bad films, that's cool, because every arsehole like myself has their own opinion, so feel free to disagree, or to think that I've given IT way too much credit, which I very well might have. But with all that being said, it's now time to look forward, 2018 is coming, Pacific Rim: Uprising, Avengers: Infinity War, Solo: A Star Wars Story, Deadpool 2, and many more are all coming, even a new Grinch movie, which hopefully won't be as bad as the last one. Hopefully that will fill the void between now and March 2019, which is probably going to be about the time that I die from some great, cosmic irony, only time will tell. Merry Christmas and thanks for reading, and if you like this nonsense, stick around, hopefully 2018 will be a good year.

Christmas Review: The Polar Express movie review

Here's what you need to know; Christmas has once again rolled around, but for one kid, who's starting to have trouble believing in Santa Claus and the spirit of Christmas, the magic is waning. He's about to get a rude awakening however when the Polar Express arrives outside his house, one of its final stops before the North Pole, and the train's Conductor invites him aboard, not just onto the train, but on a journey that will challenge everything he thought he knew about Christmas.
Very long ago on this blog I did a series of spooky reviews to mark the occasion of Halloween, I loved doing that, though it was a bit of a train wreck (pun intended), and the same applies to a series of festive reviews I did later that year, sadly. To tell the truth, I'm not a very festive person; I like getting presents for people, I like getting presents from people, and I enjoy putting up Dinky, my affectionately named shitty little Christmas tree. But there are few things that make me as unenthusiastic as when people over do Christmas; the songs, the lights, the sentimentality, yes, I'm a Grinch like that. That being said, I can tolerate Christmas films, enough so that I have a few of them in my Blu Ray collection, so why not, let's embrace the season with a festive movie review, my mum's favourite Christmas film that I got on Blu Ray for her as a present last Christmas, and that she never even took out of the plastic; The Polar Express.

The Polar Express has a very snappy opening sequence, we never learn the main kid's name, but in this span of a few minutes, we are shown everything we need to know; that he's excited about Christmas, but also that he's putting it together that Santa isn't real. This isn't over done in the slightest, we are shown the evidence as he sees it, cold and honest, and it's very effective for the audience, the film wisely establishes in it's opening that Santa Claus, looking at it logically, makes no sense, which is a great way to start off a fantasy film like this, as not even five minutes in, we get to the Polar Express, revealed absolutely perfectly, with a good amount of wonder, and a dash of suspense. We are then introduced to easily the most entertaining character in the film, the Polar Express' Conductor, who sings about hot chocolate and obsesses about the train getting to its destination on time, what I'll say now is that this film struggles with character depth, with a few exceptions, the majority of the crew are rather basic, and that sadly includes the Conductor, who's draw probably comes mostly from his onscreen presence and the infinite charisma oozing through Tom Hanks' every word, it really is hard not to focus on him whenever he's onscreen. The shallow characterisation carries over to the other nameless kids, mainly a snotty know-it-all who's character is he's snotty, and a girl, who I don't really remember anything about, other than her creepy, super memeable smile, something we'll get back to. Weirdly, one of the most interesting characters in the film is the train's last pick up, a reclusive kid who spends the majority of the film alone in the train's rear car, where he comes from is both literally and figuratively nebulous, but the film heavily implies a troubled family life, one that explains his reclusiveness and his reluctance to fully embrace the spirit of Christmas, something this film does well for the most part is subtlety, and his character is a good example of that. But my favourite character in the film is the Hobo, though, in a twist, I actually think the film did too much with him. Allow me to explain, the film first shows us a Hobo living aboard the train, drinking from a food can next to a makeshift campfire on the roof of the train. But where I think the film let's itself down is in its explicitness that the Hobo is in fact a ghost who haunts the train, maybe I over value subtlety in films, but I do think a bit more subtlety as to how corporeal the hobo was would had added a bit more intrigue to the film. As it stands though, the lonely kid and the hobo are the most intriguing that this film gets, I need to stress that this is not a bad thing, the story presents a cool idea of a magic express train that takes disillusioned kids to the North Pole, which is brilliant on paper, and the adventure the train and it's passengers go on is perilous and entertaining, with a few really badass scenes that I'll get to, but the film is very surface level in a lot of key areas, making it a very easy watch, not an issue on first viewing, but it does hurt its value in repeat viewings.

From a presentation standpoint, this film is a very mixed bag. The animation of the film holds up extremely well in some areas, even for a film from 2004; wide shots of the Polar Express consistently look amazing, little things like lighting and hair and cloth animations are things that stand out to me with how impressively done they are, and I always find myself being wowed by this film's more spectacular moments. The problem doesn't come from the quality of the animation, but rather from the motion capture, of course, this film relied on motion capture performances, and when it's good, it's great, models move like real people, and it's really well done, until you get to their faces. This is where the illusion really starts to break, and these very well animated models slide into the uncanny valley, it gets less noticeable as the film goes on, and it effects some characters more than others, but like I alluded to earlier, when you first see the girl in the film, and she's smiling at the main kid, it looks kind of creepy. This effects the kid characters a lot more than it affects the adult characters, the facial animation on the Conductor for example is really well done in some scenes, but it is something that the film struggles with as a whole, and how bad it is will depend on how much you notice it, or when you notice that sometimes someone will be talking and their faces aren't actually moving, which just doesn't look right. I did however manage to get past the faces, and start appreciating this film's excellent cinematography, of course it's all animated, and some of these camera movements are ones that are only possible with entirely digital images, but a lot of it's really good, which brings me onto the film's action sequences. My favourite scene in the entire film when I was a kid was the scene on the frozen lake, and now, watching it as an adult, yeah, it's still the best scene in the film, in which the Polar Express derails on a frozen lake, and the crew trying to get it back on the tracks before it goes through the ice. This scene is badass, and highlights a lot of what the film gets right, for starters, this scene shows off the quality of the animation and cinematography, as the train slides along the lake, barely under the control of the engineers, the scene is exciting as hell, as they struggle to keep the train moving in a straight line, and something I always love in films, tension, is done really well here, it's just an all round cool scene, it's not the only scene of spectacle, but it's easily the most spectacular of them. It's not the only thing that I love about this film however, I love this film's ending; as the films wraps up, it starts to get mushy, as you'd expect for a Christmas film, but the film then does something unexpected, it uses subtlety, the final twist of the film is wonderfully done, and it embodies the spirit of the film brilliantly, which threw logic out of the window at the 5 minute mark in favour of something that I usually dislike about Christmas films, the magic of Christmas, but in The Polar Express I thought it was really well done.

The Polar Express has it's strengths and it has it's weaknesses; the animation and motion capture looks really good, considering the age, but the quality starts to dip around their faces, understandable, but still something worth pointing out. A greater weakness however is the shallowness of the film's characters, less of a problem for the Conductor and the Hobo, who are decently charismatic, but more of one for the kid characters. The film also starts to get mushy in its ending, but that's really more of a nitpick. The film does however have it's secret weapons, like some really cool action sequences, and an end twist that's really well done. I do get nostalgic about this film, not surprising given that I was 7 when I first saw it, but that doesn't mask it's flaws. Still, I like The Polar Express, it gets a lot right, not just as a Christmas film, but as a film in general, and I'd say that it's worth watching.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi movie review

Here's what you need to know; after the destruction of their planet killer, the First Order has what remains of the resistance in its grasp, with the fragments of the fleet unable to escape and under constant barrage. Their only hope is Luke Skywalker, the legendary hero of the rebellion, and the teacher Rey needs to achieve her true potential, but upon finding his island hideout, she starts to learn that the legend of Luke Skywalker might not be entirely true.
Another year, another Star Wars movie, and unless you've been living under a rock, you'd know just how mad the hype got for The Last Jedi, the film which appears to have really pissed a lot of people off, judging by how many videos there are on YouTube of people tearing the film apart. So, knowing the scorn this film is getting from Star Wars diehards, this might become an unpopular opinion, it's too early to tell, but I really like The Last Jedi, even though as I will admit in this review, I think it has flaws, so let's go.

Worry not, detractors of Rogue One's lack of the opening crawl, this film has one, and as it should be; we are immediately shown the might of the First order, as the resistance scramble to evacuate their base with Star Destroyers jumping in from light speed in the skies above. The film's opening space battle also highlights two of the film's greatest strengths; the characters and the action, Poe taking on a First order Dreadnought is intense and exciting, and him pissing off General Hux, while a bit weird to see, is still pretty funny. Something excellently carried over from The Force Awakens is the film's excellent characters, who fortunately get expanded on in this film. Right off the bat, we need to talk about Rey's parents; anyone who's been tireless theorising as to who Rey's parents are will be left very, very disappointed by the truth, and in fact I've heard that the reveal makes Rey un-compelling, not less compelling, un-compelling, which is utter nonsense. I personally really like the poetry of the reveal, what it stands for, it's not grand and mysterious like a lot of people were hoping, it's dark and cruel, and I think it works, as does the message that anyone can become a hero. But her dad not being Luke or Han makes her a shit character, that's a mindset I think is completely stupid in all honesty. Rey is a character I still love, and who still isn't a Mary Sue, in The Last Jedi we see her trying to get help from Luke Skywalker, though that's not really what she gets, as like many, many things in the film, her relationship with Skywalker defies expectations, as does what becomes of her relationship with Kylo Ren. Luke Skywalker is a character a lot of people are pissed off about, though again, I really like the poetry of the film; Skywalker isn't the hero that the rest of the galaxy thinks he is in this film, and I know a lot of people don't like that. Saying how exactly they've changed Luke Skywalker is obviously spoiler territory, but I will say that I like what they did, the film doesn't show Luke Skywalker, the legend, the hero who saved the galaxy, it instead takes a much more human approach, giving us a Luke Skywalker who is flawed, and has clearly seen a lot of shit, and again, I think it works, as does the conclusion of his story in the film, which I absolutely loved. Leia's naturally a hard one to talk about, but it is actually one of the things that took me out of the film briefly, in the film she does something, and it doesn't make a lot of sense, it was a very strange moment, and I that felt actually did take away from what could have been an emotional moment with her and her son, but I really can't say anymore about it, though people who've seen the film will know the scene, and know how absurd it is. Her story in the film ties very closely into Poe's ark in the film, which is probably the most extensive character ark in the film, and it is cool to see the situation first from Poe's perspective, and then from Leia's, but the problem is how the entire conflict that Poe has in this film seems to have come from a simple case of poor communication, it sounds spoilerish, I know, but had Poe simply been told something early in the film, the entire conflict he has with Holdo might never have happened, and that forced conflict is stupid and does hurt the film. What really hurts the film however is that that isn't the only forced conflict the film has, as there's also an entire subplot with Finn and series newcomer Rose, who go to a planet in search of someone who can smuggle them aboard the First Order's flagship, and it's a completely pointless subplot that adds hideously little to the overall film. The film throws in Benicio Del Toro's Han Solo lite, who's a cool character, but doesn't add anything to the story outside of forced conflict, which is by far the film biggest issue from a narrative standpoint, and it really makes me dislike Admiral Holdo, whose decision to be passive aggressive to Poe resulted in two pointless subplots and even more dead rebels, it's stupid.

Something I found very funny while looking at the online response is people complaining that the film changes things about Star Wars, which I find funny given how much people were complaining about The Force Awakens being too similar to previous Star Wars films. This film does take narrative elements from previous Star Wars films, most notably The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, but where this film dabbles in the formula the most is how it constantly defies expectations; Luke is not a hero in this film, Snoke, who was built up to be Palpatine 2.0 in The Force Awakens, is revealed to be a red herring in this film, and Porgs aren't the annoyingly blatant toy sellers that the trailers made them look, the film does a good job of throwing curveballs, and it's moral muddying of the water is fantastic, as is its remystifying of the Force, the thematic elements of the film are all absolutely amazing, as is this film's version of the battle of Hoth, this time on the visually breathtaking salt flats of Crait, as is the Gareth Edwards cameo, but maybe that one's just me. Something else that this film nails is presentation; the battle on the salt flats is amazing to look at, and some of this film's imagery is just gorgeous, not only is a lot of it symbolically powerful, but it's just really nice to look at; the film's obligatory lightsaber fight in particular has one of the best wide shots of the entire year, as sad as that makes me sound. The in-camera effects and sets are all stunning, even the ones on Canto Bight, and a scene with Luke and a badass cameo is made so much better by the use of practical effects. This is the best looking Star Wars film, by a mile, even shoving out Rogue One in my opinion, the effects and cinematography, combined with the film's gripping thematic elements are where this film becomes my Favourite film in the series, and that honestly isn't a joke. In key areas however it's also my least favourite in the series, not including the Prequels, as already stated, the film has a serious issue with forcing conflicts onto its characters, which is weird given how well the film does other conflicts, Kylo Ren in particular is one of the film's strongest characters, as his conflict is actually really good, and not pointless like Poe's or Finn's. But something that scares me is how in addition to forced conflict, the film forces a romance, and I'll be blunt about it, it was absolutely terrible; it just happens, with no build-up, and happens amidst a very crucial sequence in the film's climax. How it scares me is how the film explores the relationship between Rey and Kylo Ren, I really don't want a romance between those two, nor do I want a romance between Poe and Rey, or Rey and Finn, or Finn and Rose, or, god forbid, a love triangle, forced romance is something the film really doesn't need, since these characters have been shown to be compelling without a romantic subplot, which is why the random romance bothers me so much. Seriously though, not a love triangle, please god, anything but a love triangle.

The Last Jedi is a very interesting film; in some areas, it's the highlight of the series, and in others, it's really stupid. Thematically, the film is amazing, I love this film's little poetries, and its portrayal of the Force, while clearly incredibly divisive among Star Wars fans, is something I personally love. The film is also Blade Runner levels of good looking, with gorgeous visual effects, both digital and practical, and breathtaking cinematography. But if you've not appreciative of the cinematography, you'll have a much harder time forgiving the film's narrative shortcomings, as the film suffers from forced conflict, long and effectively pointless subplots, and scenes that either don't make sense or are just stupid. This is definitely a more technically impressive film than The Force Awakens, and it's good that it takes risks, but with the good comes a fair bit of bad, and there's just no apologia I can give to excuse all of it. People saying that this is the worst Star Wars film ever and Disney ruining Star Wars need to calm the fuck down however, because it's really not that, I mean, seriously, do these people not remember the Battlefront II debacle from just last month. The Last Jedi is an enjoyable film, even if it wasn't perfect, and I'd say it's definitely worth watching.

Bring on the Meteor IX: The Buchananing

I come with very sad news today, the world we live in is a very terrible place, that's not me saying that by the way, that's the director of Blade Runner 2049, and in a way, he's right, because I found someone trying to make Paddington 2 political, and that makes me unhappy, so I want to address it, and we know what that means, it's time to break out your telescopes. Today we have another 3 stories, another story about Blade Runner 2049, of course, a story about the politicisation of Paddington 2, of course, and finally the ultimate in feminist meltdowns, because that shit's just hilarious, so hilarious in fact, that it's where I intend to start today, you probably know the story, but I'll set the scene for the unlikely event that you don't.

Article link: https://www.dailydot.com/irl/makeapp-makeup-removal/
There's an app, this app is called MakeApp, and at first glance is doesn't look like it's anything special; it's an app that applies filters to pictures to add and remove features like makeup, sounds harmless doesn't it, unless you're a feminist, then this app is Haram, because it's a sexist misogynist tool of women's oppression, apparently. There's countless articles out there of people sperging about MakeApp, making them very easy to find, so I plucked one from the DailyDot titled; Man makes app to erase your makeup in photos—but insists it isn’t sexist, and right away I just want to make a few points about that title. For starters, we all know the answer to this question already, but why does it matter that the creator of this app is a man, and second, that title doesn't give me reason to think the app is sexist; you've described one of its functions, it removes makeup, but that alone doesn't sound sexist to me, there's men who wear makeup too aren't there, would this app also be sexist to them, somehow I doubt it. Also notice the emotionally charged wording; man makes app to erase your, the wording here does make a difference, since remove and erase your have the same meaning in this context, but one includes the word your, it's personalised for the reader, which is no doubt a deliberate move, oh this one's going to be juicy, I can tell. Continuing through the article, we can see just how juicy in the opening paragraph, where our author talks about FaceApp, and how it apparently normalized Blackface and whitewashing, and perpetuates gender binary, first and foremost, there is a gender binary; male and female, sorry if that truth offends you, but Blackface and whitewashing, well. Earlier in the year I wrote an entire piece about whitewashing as it relates to movies, in which is categorically deny its existence as a problem in Hollywood, but this is new for me, so let's do this. Making a mockery of someone's appearance or culture based on a generalised stereotype is stupid, which is why it's not tolerated anymore in our society, because it's racist, but that isn't what whitewashing is. As I understand it, whitewashing is the act of making something more white, I'm sure if you believe in white supremacy, that's bad, but I don't and so I don't care. But I love how our author lumps Blackface in with whitewashing, as if to say they're equally as shit, and if the assertion that it normalises Blackface and whitewashing were true, that would still be wrong, because one is malicious, and the other is not, they're not the same, and even then, it all relies on intent, and I doubt an AI is intent on being racist. MakeApp and FaceApp are the same thing pretty much, fundamentally, they're apps that alter photos, but in neither of these Apps is an AI with a political agenda, what sounds more likely; that an App based on an unrefined AI applied a change based on numbers, or that the creator of that App or AI or the AI itself are racist, personally I see these Apps as just novelties, it's goofy to see your face transformed into different races, but that's all it is, it's not making a political statement, like the Paddington story we'll tackle later, FaceApp was an apolitical app that got politicised by people who have to politicise everything, and MakeApp is exactly the same.

This is something I always found very funny about the MakeApp fiasco, not only was the fact that it's creator was a man very heavily publicised, but so was the fact that he was a CEO of a pro-Russia news organisation, our author also informs us that he once allegedly shared a fake image of a Hitler poster in Ukraine, a story that's definitely half true as there was indeed a fake photo of a Hitler poster in Ukraine making the rounds on Twitter, and if the other half is true, then yes, this Gabrelyanov guy is a propagandist. That however is not the issue here; this isn't a controversy about pro-Russia propaganda, it's a controversy about an App, so unless you're going to go full Alex Jones on us, why does it need mentioning that this guy is Russian, you'll no doubt make the point that the App is sexist so it at least makes sense that you'd bring up his gender, but his nationally, smells fishy to me. Our author, having already described the function of MakeApp, then gives us her take on its effects, and you know what, I've noticed something, our author generously gives us a look at both men and women when run through the App, and what I noticed was just how different the women looked post MakeApp when compared to the men. Bear with me for a minute, because I've taken two of her celebrity examples to myself use as celebrity examples, sure the App has had an effect on Hemsworth, it's true that it makes you look a bit sick, his complexion's a bit rougher, but now compare it to Rihanna, who does admittedly look a lot worse post MakeApp. Allow me to assert a theory as to why; Hemsworth's no doubt been looking after his beard, but aside from that, his complexion looks a lot more natural than Rihanna's, who has much smoother skin and deep red lips, she's clearly wearing a lot of makeup in the photo, for some reason I've got Anita in the back of my head telling me something about Patriarchal beauty standards.

Oh Wait, that's a good point, I do remember Anita once saying that; that makeup is part of women's oppression because something about beauty standards, but now we're being told that an app that removes women's makeup is sexist, even though it's patriarchy that's making women wear makeup to begin with. So men are sexist if women wear makeup, because patriarchy, and men are sexist if women don't wear makeup, because patriarchy, how very consistent. I don't think I'll get through the whole article, it's long, but the general gist is that our author is sceptical of Gabrelyanov's claim that the AI isn't perfect, specifically noting it's sensitivity to light, which makes sense. But no, our author then says the best thing I've read all day, that the male-led (again, not relevant) team has created a product that dictates what women should and shouldn't look like, forgive me for pissing myself, author, but that's some funny shit. I will repeat, the app is not political, an AI can't have prejudice, the AI may not be perfectly ironed out, it'll be buggy, completely understandable technological limitations, but the App isn't deliberately making women less attractive, and it definitely isn't being forced on them, as dictate would imply, and you either haven't figured out the reason for makeup existing, or you don't want to figure it out. But it'll wrap this story up and explain, mansplain if you will. Makeup is used, mostly by women, to make themselves look more attractive, it doesn't mean men are idiots, as you go on to allude to, and it's not for empowerment either, it's to feel nicer, either by looking more professional or looking hotter, unless you only wear makeup at work or around the house and never to parties, which I highly doubt. Men aren't mislead by makeup, they're not animals, contrary to your beliefs, I'm sure, but makeup makes you better looking, if that wasn't true, you wouldn't wear it, and when it's taken away, and you squeal about it, it shatters the notion of patriarchal beauty norms. It should be empowering to shed those shackles, not creepy, it almost looks like you have something to hide under that makeup, I mean, if you didn't, you wouldn't care enough to write a whole article about it, but here you are. And here I am, saying that I don't care if women do or don't doll up, they can do what they like and I have no authority to stop them, but to sit there and cry that an App makes you look less pretty, and that that is sexist, does make it look like you, and all the other people mad at this app, have a reason to wear makeup, it may sound harsh, but maybe you're just not as pretty as you'd like to think.

Article link: https://www.themarysue.com/denis-villeneuve-blade-runner-2049-women/
Story two is, regrettably, more Blade Runner 2049, I know I've talked about the movie three times, but what can I say, except I have a lot to say, because the more I think about it, the more I like it, even now, but never mind all of that, our article comes from the Mary Sue so this should be some easy prey. Really what this article is about is an interview with the film's director, Dennis Villeneuve, about the film's portrayal of women, which I've already written about, but again, never mind. And usually I'd be shitting all over directors who cave to ideological pressure, but not here, because while I think his wording was very deliberately placating, I really do admire his sentiment. "cinema is a mirror on society,” and as such, “Blade Runner is not about tomorrow; it’s about today. And I’m sorry, but the world is not kind on women.” The placating part is the last bit; the 'on women' that's bolted onto the end of that quote, but minus that, I actually can't disagree with him, maybe cinema is not always a reflection of society, but the point definitely has merit. His next quote; “There’s a sense in American cinema: you want to portray an ideal world. You want to portray a utopia. That’s good—dreams for a better world, to advocate for something better, yes. But if you look at my movies, they are exploring today’s shadows. The first Blade Runner is the biggest dystopian statement of the last half century. I did the follow-up to that, so yes, it’s a dystopian vision of today. Which magnifies all the faults. That’s what I’ll say about that.” is an absolutely spot on point, again, it's not all-encompassing, but it's not wrong either, I'm now very curious to see where our Mary Sue goes with this. they go exactly where you'd think they go, usual stuff about misogyny and capitalist patriarchy, forgive me for being dismissive, but I still refuse to believe that our modern, enlightened western world is misogynistic, and that it's stated as a prerequisite for our author's opinion without any examples given, as usual, just makes it very easy to dismiss, women are not oppressed in the west, if they were, how was one able to get so close to occupying the highest position of government in the land. And then they complain about the lack of diversity, and again, I'm going to be dismissive; diversity is always described as something that is crucial, and yet I've never seen a good reason as to why, the closest thing to a good reason that I've seen is the argument of empathy, which would make sense if some of the biggest films right now didn't have non-white actors in leading roles, most notably Star Wars and Marvel. But the same applies here, it's stated as important with no reason as to why, and it's also important to consider that casual cinema goers won't care about this shit anyway, even me, who is versed in this identity politics shit, watched Blade Runner 2049 and never once considered it's lack of diversity, let alone saw it as a problem. I also love how you assert that America is diverse without providing stats, because I found some ACS numbers from 2015 that say that people of colour make up 26% of the population of the US, meaning white people make up the other three quarters. Sure that's definitely diverse, a quarter of the population, but that's all non-white categories combined. Think of it as a pack of skittles, you have one quarter of the pack that's a mix of all the different colours; yellow, orange, green and purple, but the rest of the pack is red, now apply that to a racial breakdown of the US population, diverse or not, white people are still the majority by a considerable margin, and unlike you, I'm not going to say that it's a good or a bad thing, it's just the facts, dude.

I read the rest of the article, as you do, but while I was laughing at the half we've already tackled, my blood started to boil at the second half, and you'll soon see why. Simply the sentences; 'we currently live in a sexist society,' and, 'to represent our world’s oppression of women onscreen', it's pure dogma, presented with nothing to back it up, it's prerequisites of feminism that have never been proven because they can't be proven. Now let's pull apart a statement, 'Including an element is not the same as holding it up for criticism, and what I believe most critics of Blade Runner 2049 were pointing out is how little it pushes back against the misogyny of its setting.' time to translate this; Blade Runner 2049 was being criticised because it didn't fight the patriarchy, again, this is all based on feminist dogma, so she's basically complaining that the film wasn't propaganda. I say that's a good thing, feminist propaganda has a habit of failing miserably with mass audiences, even when they try hide it like with Ghostbusters and The Emoji Movie, the fact that it doesn't dwell on your oppression narrative makes it bad does it, well then sod off, like I said in my Anita Meteorette, Blade Runner has more important things on its mind and your oppression narrative. And as for most critics, you're a fucking liar, I Youtubed video reviews of the film, because there's a few channels on YouTube dedicated solely to that type of content that are huge. In Chris Stuckmann's review of the film, which has 830'000 views on it, he constantly gushes about the cinematography, but never once criticises it's representation of women. In Jeremy Jahns' review, with has 570'000 views, he praised the characters and themes, but criticised the runtime and pace, but never criticised the representation of women. Even IGN, who once called a talking bird in a kids film misogynistic, never criticised representation of women. When you say most critics, what I know you mean is most critics in the feminist journosphere, because of course they'd see a problem, it's all they ever fucking do. But then I conclude that you're just a bigot with your final little paragraph, 'I think his thinking here reveals the way that privilege can stunt your imagination. He clearly had trouble imagining what it might be like to be a woman when the world’s treatment of you does not correspond to your own understanding of yourself. When he pictures a future where the world sees some women as exploitable sex objects meant to serve, he cannot imagine that the women treated that way might not agree.' First of all, let me just get this off my chest; Fuck You, you sexist piece of shit, privilege stunting imagination, fuck off, yeah I'm sure your female privilege stunts your ability to make points that aren't pure feminist dogma, yet again that's all this article is, presented as fact with absolutely no factual basis provided, it's bollocks, all of it. And yet again we see a feminist who doesn't understand Blade Runner, because when she says 'some women' she doesn't seem to realise that those women aren't actually women, they're not even human, that's the fucking point of Blade Runner, it asks what the difference is between human and replicant, and whether or not that difference matters, and it does that while not obsessing over SJW anal vomiting like our Mary Sue author does. And then you have the fucking gall to call this a 'misstep', like Villeneuve's a misbehaving child or something, it's a good thing this is the end of the article because I've had enough of it, fuck this article, fuck its author, and best wishes to Villeneuve, who absolutely does not deserve a single shed of the criticism levelled at him here, now I'm going to go and calm down.

Article link: https://www.newstatesman.com/culture/film/2017/11/paddington-2-anti-brexit-film-where-villains-have-narrowest-minds
Our third and final story today comes from the Newstatesman, and hopefully I won't get really annoyed at it, but then again, our author is politicising Paddington, so maybe I will. That's right folks; 'Paddington 2 is an anti-Brexit film where the villains have the narrowest minds.' Right, I get that art is subjective so maybe that title isn't actually absurd and our author makes some good points, don't know yet, so let's get readin'. He first describes his thoughts on the film's presentation, odd given that its presentation certainly isn't political, but who knows, maybe he's just trying to get us on the same page before speaking his piece. Oh, that was true, because his very next statement is that Paddington was plainly pro-immigration, you what mate. I guess technically, when you think about it, in a literal sense, Paddington kind of is an illegal immigrant, but there's a huge problem with your theory. Your theory would have merit if Paddington and Paddington 2 depicted realistic versions of the world, but they don't, they portray idealistic versions of the world, remember what Villeneuve was on about, yes, Paddington and its sequel are utopic worlds, where everyone is happy, and those who aren't either learn to be through Paddington, or are villains, unless you seriously think that people wouldn't react to a talking anthropomorphic bear with shock and disbelief in the real world. And as for plainly, where did you get that from? Paddington, if we're taking this seriously, which we really shouldn't, does illegally enter the country, find a family that takes him in and learns to love him, but it's never framed as some pro-immigration message, the film doesn't even suggest that he's seen as an immigrant, and never calls him such, he gets called an undesirable by Mr. Curry, but again, that's not pro-immigration as 'undesirable' could mean pretty much anything, he could be on about weed smoking kids for all you know. But it does allude to children being sent to Britain to find homes during the war, and like Paddington, they're portrayed sympathetically, but none of it's political, they never talk about the Nazis or the far right, they just say that there was a war, it might not even have been World War 2, but just simply a war that happened, since Paddington's world is so detached from our own, unless you think that Millicent Clyde is about 120 years old but still looks like Nicole Kidman. And our author continues to politicise the film in the worst possible way, by conflating the film's villain, phoenix Buchanan, with Vote Leave, unless that's not really what this means; 'with a welcome anti-Brexit message. The most despicable characters tend to be those with no sense of community or open-mindedness.' I'm sure I've read that right, so if I have, what it looks like he's saying there is that the most despicable characters in the film are narrow-minded and have no sense of community, and that this is an anti-Brexit message. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt depending on what I perceive their motives to be, like I did with Villeneuve when he was placating feminists earlier, but here's the thing, I remember journalists writing pieces in 2016 about Brexit and racism, I remember it being not all that different in fact to the US election, where you couldn't escape people saying that Trump and his Supporters were racists and sexists, and that Trump would end the world if he won, just as Brexit would end the world, and people who voted for it were just narrow-minded racists who didn't like immigrants. Now if he really is conflating Buchanan with Brexit voters, what he's saying is that Brexit voters are narrow-minded and don't have a sense of community, that would be bad enough, but inconsequential, if he didn't then use the word 'despicable,' because here's the thing; Buchanan is a thief, liar, and attempted murderer; he is solely responsible for Paddington's false imprisonment, idolises his grandfather, who was a murderer, and tries to kill Paddington in the film's climax, he's an evil man, now the Brexit conflation makes more sense, because Brexit voters are evil, unless that's not what he thinks, and he hasn't really thought this nonsense through, because he's an idiot.

Mr. Curry is definitely what our Author initially describes him as; a busybody neighbour who's paranoid and prejudicial, but there's two problems here. One, nobody likes Mr. Curry, when the Browns embark to save Paddington, and Curry tries to stop them, the entire street comes out and helps the Browns start their car, in defiance of Curry and out of their love for Paddington, hardly a statement of our societal acceptance of racism is it, if we're still following your logic from earlier. Two, in the first film, Mr. Curry actually stops being a twat for 5 minutes and tells the Browns where Paddington is, thus effectively saving his life, because he would otherwise have been killed and stuffed by Clyde, something he described as barbaric when he figured it out, if Curry really was that evil, he wouldn't have cared that Paddington was going to die, but he did, so if Curry is a metaphor for anti immigrant sentiment, as you indirectly assert he is, all he proves is that people can change, if only briefly, and that even narrow-minded racists are capable of doing the right thing, again, you haven't thought this through. Our author then proves one of my previous points, by calling the prison scenario depicted in the film a 'candy-coloured version of a gritty situation' and citing that poverty is seemingly none existent in Paddington's London. Yes you moron, also, bears can't talk, and they don't eat Marmalade, Paddington and Paddington 2 are not realistic depictions of the world, like I said earlier, they're idealistic, utopic, approximations of our shithole world where most of the bad stuff has been scrubbed away, and where cartoonish gaps in reason like a talking bin are acceptable, and it's almost like you get this, but you clearly don't, because in a world where some of the basic rules of logic, physics, biology and law do not apply, you are trying to apply real world politics, talking bears, talking bins, infinite marmalade, 10 years for theft and grievous barberly harm, you fucking idiot. Your point about Garden Bridge also doesn't seem very relevant, I understand what you're trying to say, but again, there a problem, Paddington is a family film, it's primary audience is going to be kids, and I've never heard a kid complain about people wasting public money, honestly, like your assertion that it's pro-immigration, there is not enough basis to substantiate the point, and the whole Joanna Lumley point will probably go over the vast majority of the audiences' heads, because unlike you, they're not looking for politics in a family film. Just something to add on at this point that I somehow missed, the little bit; 'The film celebrates London's inclusiveness – but candy-coats its inequality.' How I missed that I do not know, but it's certainly worth mentioning that the film is a celebration of nothing, like I've repeatedly said, it's not a film about politics or a city or a culture of anything like that, it's a film about a bear called Paddington, and as for inequalities, I'll assume he's on about wealth inequalities given his comment about the film not depicting London's poverty, and I'll let that one be, because again, Paddington's world is not the real world, but rather an idealistic approximation of the real world.

As I wrapped up reading this article, I originally thought that this conclusion was the author just being emotional about a Marks & Spencer's add with Paddington, but while I read, I realised something, and what I realised was that our author is completely full of shit. The quote; 'It hit me that the wholesome, lovable Paddington had been hijacked for the sole purpose of getting the tills ringing at M&S this Christmas,' now, I'd be willing to let this slide if our shithead of an author didn't just spend an entire article trying to hijack the wholesome, lovable Paddington to push his fucking politics. Oh so it's fine to assert that a family film is some powerful political message when it's completely apolitical, and when you're saying it's political based solely on your politicisation of it, but a retailer doing a Christmas cross-promotion is somehow the film being hijacked, get your head out of your arse you twit. How is this entire article not you trying to hijack Paddington 2 with the sole purpose of pushing your anti Brexit agenda, how, explain. You claim the first film was pro immigration when it wasn't, you conflate this film's villain with Brexit supporters, you conflate Paddington's shitty neighbour with Brexit supporters, you criticise the film for sugar coating real problems when the film isn't even trying to be a perfect reflection of reality, and you bring up real world economics when it's not relevant, and then you complain that M&S wants a bit of that Marmalade too, you're not as bad as our Mary Sue author from earlier, definitely not as malicious, but you're every bit as stupid. So maybe, rather than complaining that Paddington's getting used to sell Salmon and handbags, you should reconsider using Paddington to sell your bullshit political philosophies that I'm sure matter so much to you. But it seemingly doesn't matter much to the film makers, because repeating myself from earlier, Paddington's London is detached from real London, and that's not a bad thing. And if you love politicising shit, then go ahead, but when you politicise Paddington, you're getting no kindness from me, because you can't leave well enough alone.

Well, what have we learned today; we've learned that feminists have fragile egos, that feminists are entitled, retarded bigots, and that I'll get really defensive about Paddington, so basically all things that we already knew, at least I had a laugh reading these articles, so it wasn't a total waste of time, and hopefully you've enjoyed my sperging about this toxic drivel, if so, it wasn't a waste for you either. Of course though, these are my thoughts on these things, you may have others, you may see things I haven't, or you may just completely disagree and think I'm a fool, because opinions are like arse holes, everyone has one, so as usual, feel free to disagree, and stay warm, because even with the beautiful glow of the meteor, it's fucking freezing out there.