Demons Against the Rocks

 You're probably not wondering where I've been these past few months, but screw you, I'm telling you anyway. The last few months have been shit, really, really shit, as I'm sure they have for everyone else. I recently returned from my annual excursion to Tenby in Wales, the only thing I had left to look forward to in 2020, and three weeks ago when we departed for her sun kissed shores, I was firm in my conviction that when we returned home, I would kill myself, to tell the truth, the only reason I didn't do it the night before we left was because I didn't want to ruin anyone's holiday, had it just been any other Friday night, I'd probably not be alive anymore, which isn't as scary a thought as you'd imagine. I'm back now though and clearly, I'm not dead yet, so maybe through the heatstroke, sun burn and chafing, not to mention shredding my foot in a cave, I found something akin to happiness up on those cliffs and down on those beaches. I won't assault you with the details of how I'm feeling; A because that's no body's business but mine, and B because this blog was never meant to be about my feelings, but I have alluded to the demons in the past, the problems I have, be they old or new, and in the past few months, my demons have been busy. As I alluded to at the beginning of the year when discussing my favourite films of 2019, last year I cut ties with a close friend of mine, thinking that fucking her off would let me find a bit of self-respect, and in the early months of this year, I was on fire; I was learning to drive, regularly going out with my actual friends, and slowly finding the confidence to talk to new people, even get back onto the dating scene, which is where things really started to go wrong.

You can probably guess just how that ended up going wrong, but like that cliche isn't bad enough on its own, I started having trouble at work that same week, and with the entire world strangled by a pointless lockdown at the time, my usual distractions; going to the pub and to the cinema, were gone. That week was the first and so far only time that my closest friend has ever seen me cry, and oh boy was it bad, I spent an entire afternoon drunk out of my mind, lying on my back and sobbing loudly, and that kind of set the tone for the next four months. I wired up my old VHS player and watched The Return of Godzilla a few times to try and forget that I completely lost my nerve at the wheel, I haven't driven my car since, I started developing weird fears of certain words, as well as other things like the aforementioned car, going to the shops, wearing masks and talking to people. I started to believe that all the horrid things people have said about me over the years were true and that the entire world hated me. It would seem that in the last four months, I went full Adrian Monk and became utterly dysfunctional, and the thought of killing myself went from a fleeting brain fart to the only logical way I could see my circumstance ending, which is what I think the people around me found the most frightening. As you may have noticed, I lost a lot of my motivation in this time, hens my last post being months ago and my drafts bin having five or six finished reviews in it that I just never published, I used to keep up to date with the news, but have since started actively avoiding it, for all intents and purposes, I seemed to be trying to unplug myself from the real world, I just wanted to sit in my room and play Doom: Eternal, whatever new Slayer skin was out that month was the only thing I wanted to care about, and that's how it was. 

To say that Tenby saved my soul is obviously a tad dramatic, but honestly, walking the mile and a half long expanse of South Beach, sun beaming down from above, music blaring in my ears and the other end of the beach just never seeming to get any closer, that might have been the happiest I've been all year. If only the far end of the beach really did never get closer, so that moment could just keep going and going. Or how about the nights where rather than sleeping like a normal person, I wired up my projector and watched Gerry Anderson's Stingray on the side of the awning, a show that still fills me with childish wonder and excitement, even as a broken twenty-three year old. Or how about when I threw my confidence issues to the wind and went swimming in the sea for the first time in years, I went with my camera bag, equipped to spend hours upon hours walking, and ended up going into town for swimming trunks and spending the rest of the day paddling in the waters off Tenby's North Beach. That was a great day, and until I succumbed to heatstroke in the early evening, it never stopped being great. My sister, nephew and I went on a walk in the afternoon because she "needed to get her steps in," and we ended up getting separated from each other in a field full of cows. As alarming as it was to be alone in a field, surrounded by dozens of tons of burger meat that were all looking at me and following me around, I kept my head and walked out of the situation was a massive grin on my face. 

Tenby had been hit by a certain recent event as much as any other town or city, so one highlight; the fireworks show, was cancelled, which wasn't the only thing that was changed, but it was comforting just how relaxed and normal the atmosphere was, it felt like I was allowed to actually be a human for once, because obviously living in lockdown for months has done wonders for my authority issues. But at some point in the two weeks, my desire to stop living was calmed. And despite the best efforts of my demons, I'm still trying to keep that spark going. Many months ago, back when I was happy, I placed an order at my local HMV for a certain Gamera: The Complete Collection from Arrow Video, I completely forgot about it, save for occasionally being reminded of said order when HMV sent me automated texts regarding it. It was due to be delivered on the Monday after I got home, except on that day, I got an apology text saying it was no longer available, so I ordered it on Amazon that night and got it in the post the next day. I've been in love with Gamera for the past week, I've watched four of them, I watched one of those four; Guardian of the Universe three times, so imagine my shock and amusement when on the day it's delivery from Amazon, I got an automated text from HMV informing me that the order I placed was in store and ready for collection.

Godzilla Vs Kong's been delayed again but I planned to do a special for its release in November, that plan hasn't changed, just the subject, and Halloween's coming as well, so that's two things I have to work towards. I'm having phone appointments with a well-being service, so maybe, just maybe I can overcome my anxieties and be on the road to somewhere. In fact this very night as of me writing this, I burned six hours in a pub with a gaggle of coworkers, I've never done it before and I loved every minute of it, I'd happily do it again, and if I have tonight in me, or getting my top off on a crowded beach and going swimming, what the fuck is stopping me, I just have to keep telling myself that. But don't worry, maybe you've reached this point, or maybe you've just looked at the pictures, either way, here's the payoff, a collage of my best pictures from Tenby, and in the event you've read this, thank you.