Here's what you need to know; a series of mysterious attacks in the Pacific has the world's governments spooked and Dr Niko Tatopoulus is assigned to study the culprit, believed to be a massive mutated reptile. But when the monster makes landfall in New York, Tatopoulus, the French secret service and the US Army go to war, determined to save the city from destruction and stop this monster before it has the chance to threaten all of civilisation.
Oh yes, we're taking a plunge through the relevant history of Godzilla, why on Earth would I let this one get away. Since I'm crazy for the Big G and have been for my entire life, it was inevitable that I'd have watched this film a dozen or more times in my younger years, back before I realised just what a mess it is. But even though I reviewed this film once before, it only felt right to take another swing at it before Godzilla's third big adventure on American shores hits the screens, even though it's already out as of me writing this but sod it, let's review the bad American Godzilla film.
But just from the first few minutes of the film, you might be confused as to why so many people hate, because the first few minutes of this film are actually really good. The film opens with an outstanding sequence of credits not that different to the 2014 film's opening, in fact they're basically the same, and like the 2014 film, the music really elevates the scene and makes it truly awesome. Taking a page from the original Godzilla's book, this film then shows a mysterious and suspenseful sequence as a Japanese ship is attacked by an unseen sea monster. Things start going a bit wrong immediately though as we get a hard cut to Niko Tatopoulus, or worm guy as I will probably resort to calling him. The film really starts him off in a strange place as he digs around the Chernobyl quarantine zone for worms, hens the nickname, get it? Nick, worms, ah? ah? I'm sorry. worm guy is slightly more developed than your standard Godzilla movie protagonist, being a dweeby NRC scientist studying the effects of radiation on animals, making him decently qualified to study Godzilla. Apart from him being a bit quirkier than the norm, he's completely serviceable as a lead character and manages to be tolerable for most of the film, even if the running gag of his surname being hard to pronounce gets completely fucked into the dirt by the end. I say most of the time though because there are moments of maddening stupidity and forced humour, but as we shall soon learn, he's a relatively mild case. Because then there's Audrey and Jesus Christ, we are in for some good old masochism with this one.
It should come as no surprise that Maria Pitillo won a Golden Raspberry Award for this film, or that her career basically died after this film, because she is terrible. Audrey is an almost impressively annoying presence in the film and is almost everything you don't want in a character; she's ditzy, moronic, loud, wooden and selfish, she's the kind of character that brings the rest of the film to a screeching halt every time she appears. And what's worse than that is how the film tries to force a character conflict by having her stab worm guy in the back to get a scoop, which could make for a compelling ark if the character wasn't insufferable, but since she is, her being a total bitch to worm guy and manipulating him for her own gain only makes her even less likable, proving that it is indeed possible, and from this point, with as bad an impression as she's made, it's kind of hard to redeem someone like that. Things fortunately become more tolerable with Roache and Animal. Animal is a complete stereotype, being about as New Yorker as you can get, but that ain't a problem, he's a pretty likable guy, as is Roache, who is also a stereotype. The leader of the French secret service agents watching from the shadows, he's about as French as it's possible to get, all while completely romanticising America, going as far as giving his men chewing gum because it "makes [them] look more American." He's one of those characters that's just cool, that's what he is, he's cool. The film does stick to the basics of at least the Showa era films I've reviewed in its characters; you got a scientist, a pair of journalists and a bunch of Army guys, and with the exception of Audrey, they all do a semi-serviceable job in their respective roles. As I said before though, Audrey really does kill this film every time she shows up, and it's difficult to get past that.
Like most Godzilla films, this Godzilla tells a straightforward story that's complicated by human drama, human drama that, as we've established, has a very rocky rate of success, but I can at least say that the film wasn't boring, mostly. When Audrey wasn't around, I usually found myself decently entertained by the film, which kept its story moving at a solid pace, though there are definitely boring moments like the entire sequence in Madison Square Garden, but we'll get to that. Unlike its superior American counterpart, this Godzilla isn't conservative with its titular monster, who makes his grand entrance around the twenty-five minute mark and is a relatively constant presence throughout the rest of the film. I also really like how the film teases Godzilla for the first half hour, slowly building to the downright fantastic sequence where he makes landfall in New York and goes on a rampage. This sequence is really good, albeit with a pretty major caveat, the sequence elegantly hides Godzilla's full form and in doing so, teases the monster's appearance while being generous enough to not take the piss, and does all of this while really selling the size of the monster, something Gareth Edwards did better a decade and a half later, but it's still worth mentioning. And when the army is going after Godzilla, these scenes are very entertaining. They're not good, mind you, they're very Roland Emmerich-y, so they're flashy and indulgent as Godzilla tears his way down the New York streets with swarms of Attack helicopters on his tail, or when Godzilla evades a barrage of gunfire and missiles that end up destroying recognisable landmarks because Roland Emmerich.
These scenes fail to compare to the Japanese films however for a few reasons, chiefly the charm and sincerity of those films. There was always something lovable about the monster suits in the Toho Godzilla films, they had charm and personality to them, they had physicality thanks to them being practical effects and that's something that this film does not have, instead it has 90's CGI, though in all fairness, it is the best of 90's CGI, and a lot of it still looks pretty good. In the end though, I grew up on Godzilla and Thunderbirds, I appreciate miniatures more than most probably would because I was raised on it, and to me, that will always hold up better than even the best CGI because good miniature work doesn't age, while even the best CGI eventually does. To this film's credit though, it doesn't entirely rely on CG and has a few well-placed and very well-done practical effect shots, but even so, the bulk of it is CG. When it's good, it's good, but like all CG heavy films, when it's not good, it's really bad. Easily the worst offender in this regard is the Madison Square Garden sequence, which is also the weakest sequence of the film by far, with or without that dated CGI. It's a comparison that's been made a thousand times at this point, but the baby Godzillas are very much a poor man's version of Jurassic Park's raptors. Whereas the Raptor scenes in Jurassic Park were suspenseful and brilliant, Godzilla's baby Godzilla scenes are clumsy, the baby Godzillas aren't as threatening as they should be, partly because they look kind of derpy, but also because when someone important is well within chomping distance, all they do is stand there and snap at our heroes, which doesn't really instil fear when they're that easy to get around, unlike the raptors who hunted with tactics and never let anyone escape.
To the film's credit, while the CG used to create the baby Godzillas looks dated and rough nowadays, the practical work done on them is still worthy of credit. A combination of suits and animatronics bring these things to life quite effectively when used, even making their comical appearance just that little bit more imposing. The same applies to the big guy himself, though to a lesser degree; the CG mostly looks ok, with only a few shots being noticeably dated, and while it's extremely minimal, the practical effects look really good, I just wish there was more of it, at the risk of him turning out like his clumsy offspring. There is an elephant in the room here though, one I've alluded to but not addressed directly, the caveat; all of Godzilla's scenes are made better when you try to forget that it's supposed to be Godzilla. This is the film's biggest problem by far, its reinterpretation of Godzilla, while not awful on its own, is pathetic compared to his Japanese counterpart. The monster's design is fantastic and I'm sure a lot of work went into making it, I would very happily watch it in a monster film of its own, there's just one glaring problem that I can't ignore, it's supposed to be Godzilla. I can understand making him look different to an extent, that's fair, but changing his appearance to the point that he's unrecognisable is another thing and doing it to such a classic look is downright sinful.
The monster in this film that they keep calling Godzilla is not Godzilla, it's more like what you might imagine if someone described Godzilla to you on the phone, poorly. Sure, he's a theropod with spines sticking out of his back, but after that, the similarities stop entirely. His thinner, leaner appearance compliments his behaviour but it does not compliment his name, nor does his more scientifically accurate posture, both of which make this guy completely unrecognisable as Godzilla. This if a film killer here; its name, it's a generic monster movie and could otherwise have been enjoyed as such were it not for that name. Godzilla is a word with power, history, and to many, many people, it's a word with deep personal significance, they love Godzilla, and slapping that name on this monster and this film is like slapping a Ferrari badge on a Dacia Sandero, sure, the Dacia is fine, but that name brings with it a majesty that the Dacia can't even dream of achieving. And that's just his appearance, now let's talk about his personality, because he doesn't really have one. Think back to Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster and think about how much personality was in that Godzilla, as I said in that review and my Godzilla vs. Hedorah review, that Godzilla was filled with personality; a tactless brute with a heart of gold and a sense of humour. This Godzilla is just an animal though, he's a lizard that's come to New York to nest, he has no sense of humour or morality, and him being mostly CG, generally looks and feels less alive than his Japanese superior.
He is sympathetic though, being a monster with no ill-will towards humanity, instead just wanting to be left alone to care for his young, this is a more realistic Godzilla for sure, but where's the lovability. So when he dies at the end of the film, there is a sense of injustice to his death, almost a sense of loss that a creature as incredible as him was not allowed to live. But I again refer you to Godzilla's death in the original, where Godzilla's death is characterised not just by injustice, but by an immense feeling of loss and sadness, not just for a one of a kind creature, but for a tormented, brilliant mind who felt that his creation was evil and would rather die than let it be used to hurt people. It's clear in the end though that worm guy has a great amount of admiration for Godzilla, seeing him for what he; an innocent, misunderstood creature rather than a monster, but this death fails to be as effective as it could be because of how the film portrays the monster and uses destruction. Again going back to the original, in that film, destruction wasn't shown for the fun of it, it was shown to make a point, a point it made so well that it had me in tears by the end. But this is Roland Emmerich, it not only indulges in destruction but sells itself on it, even treating the Army's uselessness and destructiveness comedically, and as a result of its more mindless approach to things, it lacks the punch of the original. The original also didn't then have a bunch of people celebrating the death of the monster, its ending was genuinely sombre, whereas this one feels very American. And of course, there's the stinger; the final shot of the film reveals that one of the eggs survived, teasing a sequel that we never got, this kind of thing always makes me sad, even for films as mediocre as this one because I'm always curious about where a sequel could have gone. Maybe that's the fault of a film making promises it couldn't keep, maybe it's me always trying to be optimistic about films, either way, we'll never know, and the fact that we'll never know is the shitty part.
That's A Lot of Fish
Godzilla (1998) is a failure. Looking back at the review I did for this film four years ago, I've clearly mellowed to it a lot, but I still can't call it anything other than a failure because it does indeed fail to capture the spirit of the Toho films or please fans of those films. When looked at as just a monster movie, it's mediocre; its writing is messy, its characters vary from kind of cool and likable to outright infuriating, and it has moments that drag the film down into boredom, cringe and frustration. But even with all that, this is a standard, albeit, below average monster movie, one that could still be enjoyed were it not for the name, and on this point, I haven't mellowed. That name is the last nail in the coffin for this film, I could never forgive it for what it did to Godzilla, but in that, if you're a filthy casual who's never seen a Godzilla film before, you might think this film is tolerable, you might even like it, and I wish I could, but I can't, nor can I recommend it because even ignoring its greatest sin, the film is still weak and forgettable.
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