Holy fuck, I watched the Emoji Movie, and to the film's credit, like another film I saw last year, I went in thinking that it couldn't possibly be as bad as I'd heard and read about, and you know what, Ghostbusters actually wasn't as bad as that, though anyone familiar with my blog will know my feelings towards that film, The Emoji Movie however, oh fuck, you'll be reading that word a lot by the way, fuck, so I hope you don't mind swearing.
I'm not going to care about spoilers in this review, because I do want to give this film some mercy and say something I liked; for starters, the film looks good, the animation is good, it's vibrant, colourful, and energetic, and there's that. There was also a kind of creative scene where Gene's boring as fuck parents go to the Paris photo gallery, that was actually kind of cool. Now where to begin, ah, yes, the characters. Gene is about as serviceable as you can get, despite being an abnormality in his community, there is nothing remarkable about him at all, he's the most stock main character they could possibly have done, and while I can usually tolerate serviceable characters if the film had redeeming features, this film doesn't, which makes Gene a dull and uninspired character. His friend, Hi-5, is even worse, the classic comedy sidekick, complete with all the obvious and really easy jokes that would entail, and while an attempt is made here and there to make jokes out of the fact that he's a hand, it doesn't work, the jokes are shallow, and he just comes across as narcissistic. Then there's Jailbreak, a character I couldn't fucking stand, from the instant she talked about 'men stealing women's inventions' I knew what her character was about, and I knew what twist they were going to play with her. Because there she is talking about how few options there are for women Emoji's, real subtle Sony, like Gene embodies a contrived message, Jailbreak also embodies a contrived message, that anyone can be anything they want. That doesn't sound too bad does it, but what makes it shit is the execution, because Jailbreak has no depth; she's a ripoff of Wyldstyle from The Lego Movie, but with a forced feminist agenda, until she becomes a ripoff of Fiona from Shrek, but with none of the depth, and with the same forced feminist message, it's shit writing, and it's shit for Gene, and shit for Hi-5, it's a trio of terrible characters. The twist, and you're going to love this, is she's a princess emoji, that ran away from home because she didn't want to be stereotyped, because she didn't want to conform to a restrictive society, now where have we heard something like that before, *cough* Patriarchy *cough*. Congratulations, Sony, you made a film with a feminist agenda that was less subtle than Ghostbusters, well done. Oh but we're not done, the villain, Smiler, was kind of interesting conceptually, but few things are worse than a weak villain, and Smiler is a character you barely remember the name of, despite hunting Gene for the entire movie, she was a terrible villain, and her bots were just rip-offs of the Micromanagers from The Lego Movie, even looking the same, it's so lazy. The Joke with Gene's parents is that they're Meh, and what a surprise, their little subplot about finding Gene and fixing their broken marriage is skull numbingly boring; it's honestly insulting that you could have characters who always sound bored and disinterested by design, and expect that to be compelling, it's not, it's fucking boring. Speaking of insulting, this film has internet trolls, literal internet trolls, who go around trying to put people down constantly, and spreading their slimy, smelly grossness everywhere, oh that's real clever, I'm sure there's no spite there, Sony, none at all. Still speaking of insulting, I watched Logan again on the same night I saw this thing, and you know what they have in common, Patrick Stuart; who is Poop, and who is barely in the movie, and is probably in it just as a marketing gimmick, because Patrick Stuart is a famous, respected actor, which does beg the question, why the fuck is he playing Poop, and not, for example, Smiler, which might actually have been cool.
Maybe it's me, and my want to find the deeper meanings of films, or maybe it's just as much of a failure as it appears to be, but there do appear to be times when The Emoji Movie tries to be a bit more profound. A good example of this is when they pass Facebook, and people are talking out mundane shit like their breakfast, which is actually kind of true, as is Hi-5 talking about how on Facebook, friends are less valuable than fans. On paper the idea of the Emoji world is also not terrible; a world where everyone is unique, but must conform to that uniqueness, very ironic, don't you think, but the film doesn't put in the effort to go further with that, and just takes the easy route of saying people are fine the way they are. Then there's of course the feminist messaging that's about as subtle as a Sherman Tank, but that lack of subtle really applies to the entire film, and with that lack of subtly comes a lack of depth; the characters have no depth, the jokes have no depth, and the story has only the most basic positive message of being yourself, something The Lego Movie and Wreck-It Ralph, 2 vastly superior films that this film blatantly rips off, did a lot better. Then there's its depiction of high-school life, which is fucking shit, because apparently the girls can be won over with emojis, even someone like me, who has no luck with the ladies, knows that girls aren't that fucking simple. I'm not even a girl and I find it insulting that the kid's crush agreed to go to the dance with him because she liked his emoji, not to mention how insulting it is to boys to suggest that an Emoji is how to win a girl, rather than, I don't know, talking to her. It's almost sickening that in a world where people are consumed by their phones, this film, far from discouraging that, embraces it, and encourages it. And the scariest thing is that that's not even the worst part, because worse than the terrible characters, worse than the contrived bad messages, worse even than the blatant ripping off of other films, is all the fucking product placements. Let's list as many as I can remember; first, obviously, emojis, then YouTube, Instagram, Spotify, Facebook, Twitter, Candy Crush, Just Dance, the sheer number of them is sickening. From a narrative structure these apps are treated similar to the games of Wreck-It Ralph and worlds of Inside Out and The Lego Movie, but even The Lego Movie wasn't this bad, and at least The Lego Movie was actually good, and not some cynical turd ball like The Emoji Movie. The film makes no effort to hide the fact that all these things are product placements, unlike the worlds of The Lego Movie, or the various cameos of Wreck-it Ralph, that actually had thought put into them, while the crew are watching Pen-Pineapple-Apple-Pen for god fucking knows what reason, although the Bots being transfixed by cat videos was probably the funniest part of the film, which establishes the calibre of The Emoji Movie's comedy quite well. And there's the Emoji pop or whatever the fuck it was called, because if the characters being crap, or the terrible comedy, or the blatant and annoying as fuck product placement, or the terrible and contrived messages, or the total lack of any originality didn't completely kill this movie for me, the film trying to make a shitty viral dance really takes the cake, though thankfully I highly doubt we'll see the next stupid dance craze coming from this thing.
I didn't care that I was in a cinema filled with kids and parents, at some point I turned to my friend and said "this movie can fucking die," because it shouldn't exist in the first place. And I actually owe someone an apology, no, not the kids, but a girl I work with who warned me not to watch this film, I really should have listened to you. The Emoji Movie is a failure in all respects; It's serviceably animated, but it's terribly written, has wank comedy that doesn't work, and is filled with hideous and contrived messages for the kids, and some of the most vomit educing product placements I've had the displeasure of being exposed to. The Emoji Movie is without a doubt the worst film I've seen this year, and possibly the worst film I've ever seen in a cinema, top 3 for sure, it's a fucking disaster of a movie, and you should never watch it, avoid it at all costs. The Jonathan Frakes directed Thunderbirds was better than this, for fuck's sake.
No comments:
Post a Comment