Monday, 26 March 2018

Pacific Rim: Uprising movie reivew

Here's what you need to know; it's been a decade since humanity closed the Breach and won the war against the Kaiju, but while some areas of the globe have been propelled forward to a brighter future, vast areas of the Pacific coast are still struggling to recover. The victory also brought with it however a new wave of Jaegers, ranging from tiny one-man rigs built from scrap, to building sized automated drones. But while the contentious drone program ignites debate in the PPDC, a new threat emerges from the depths of the Pacific, one that may herald the return of the Kaiju, and leaves the survival of all life on Earth hanging in the balance.
So Pacific Rim 2 finally got made, and I should be happy about that, so why aren't I? My concern was obvious; Del Toro not directing this sequel was a huge red flag to me, as Pacific Rim could easily have been garbage were it not for his masterful execution, but while he was off making a best picture winner, Pacific Rim 2 looked to be helmed by a first-time director and a studio still craving a taste of that MCU magic. But the important question is is Pacific Rim: Uprising good? Now that's a question.

This film raised my brow right out of the gate, showing footage from the first Pacific Rim in a prologue sequence. I knew this wouldn't bode well for my enjoyment of the film, though I know it's there as a sort of 'previously on' to catch the audience up. I thought it would be like being reminded of that amazing Indian restaurant you went to once before tucking into a cheap takeaway curry, and sadly, as you will learn throughout this review, I was right to think that. Let's start with the characters in the film, not exactly the first film's greatest strength, so it could only get better, right? John Boyega is great as usual, and is very charming as Jake Pentecost, Idris Elba's character from the first film's son. It's good that he's such a likable guy, as he gets all the screen time, which isn't all that untrue, it's about 70%, I do prefer him as a hero to Charlie Hunnam's Becket, but that's no doubt down to John Boyega's coolness rather than any kind of improvement in the writing department. But him hogging the screen time kind of leaves the rest of the cast in the shade, and like the first film, most of the supporting cast gets the short end of the stick in terms of character development. This film's Mako is a little girl named Amara, played by acting newcomer Cailee Spaeny, and just like Mako, she has a troubled past with the war and the Kaiju, one that at least explains her motivation for building a Jaeger, though not necessarily her means. Scott Eastwood's Lambert is, in the same vein as Jake, a likable enough character that's lacking in depth, the two have one good scene together, but the film doesn't give him much to do besides being Jake's co-pilot. Mako returns, for five minutes, and is given pretty much nothing to do, and the training Jaeger pilots are given very little development, besides the one who, in a totally untropey way, is adversarial to Amara, there's also a similarly tropey kid who's nice to her. Then there's Newt and Gottlieb, the scientists from the first film, Gottlieb's actually pretty good, and has a great line about having nightmares from when they drifted with a Kaiju. Newt on the other hand; on paper, what they do with him is a smart idea, but in execution, it's bloody weak, the film completely fails to explore any sort of character struggle with him and turns a potentially brilliant plot twist into a contrived joke.

Let's talk about that plot, as like Newt, a lot of what it puts on the table is great on paper, but weak in execution. The drone program for example, an interesting idea, if not exactly a new one, about the threat posed by automation. What's weak about this is that the entire drone program is revealed to be a red herring, and not a good red herring, but a daft one. The plot twist is great on paper, but when it comes to fruition in the film, you're just left asking why, it's contrived. The first film wasn't above this; what with the Precursors actually being dinosaurs, but at least that film never broke its own rules, unlike this sequel. Gone are the days of "the deeper the bond, the better you fight," now any pair of drift compatible pilots can be put in a Jaeger and be completely fine, now the size of the Jaeger is important, and one small enough can be piloted by a single person, so all that neural load stuff is nonsense because you don't even need the drift to interface with a Jaeger. Then the film does some retconing that makes literally no sense in the context of the first film, which already didn't make a lot of sense because again, the Precursors were dinosaurs. The film even tries to replicate the emotional beats of the first film, with a tragic drift flashback similar to Mako's in the first film, and a speech before the big finale, the problem is that Amara's flashback conveys nowhere near the same sense of fear and dread that Mako's did, it wasn't scary like Mako's was, and while I like Boyega in the role, he's nowhere near as good of a speech giver compared to his dad. And to top it all off in a nice little package, the film even has a stinger, because Universal still want their own MCU, apparently. All of these problems could be swept under the rug if the film wasn't so try-hard, if it just existed to be a vehicle for the monster mash, like the first, it would have been easier to forgive the problems, but that need to set up a lore and to build the groundwork for a franchise means the film takes itself too seriously, and that approach doesn't work when it's giant robot men fighting interdimensional Godzilla monsters. The film lacks the sense of levity that the first had, it's not as fun.

Pacific Rim was not above being easily nitpicked, it was a flawed film; like its sequel, its characters were weak and its story was daft and dumb. The strength that Pacific Rim had however was Del Toro, the man, the myth, the Mexican who is a master behind the camera, the film was visually stunning, polished to near perfection, and oozing with style. Guillermo del Toro has yet to make a film that isn't fantastic in my eyes, Steven S. DeKnight on the other hand is someone I've never seen before, as his background is in television, with which I'm not very acquainted. Visually speaking, the film doesn't venture too far from the aesthetic established in the first film, though the effects don't look as good this time around. The problem is that the first film was all style; the film was aware that it was dumb and shallow, and prioritised being fun as hell, which it was. Pacific Rim: Uprising however has a cinematic universe to set up, and so takes its story and characters more seriously, while somehow managing to be even shallower than its predecessor, this is a bad combination, as it makes you question the film more, and thus see its flaws more clearly. Like Pacific Rim, Uprising's greatest strength is in its action; now throwing in some Jaeger on Jaeger before the big Godzilla battle in the climax, but without Guillermo del Toro at the helm, it feels like something is missing. The effects aren't as good, the explosive visual style and crushing brutality of the fights is effectively gone, as silly as it sounds, the film just isn't as magical as the first. The fights themselves are entertaining when they're on, but it's a bit like the two American Godzilla's, where one (2014) is a visual feast in the Godzilla scenes, and the other (1998) is just turn your brain off action in the Godzilla scenes. Pacific Rim had style, Godzilla (2014) had substance, Pacific Rim: Uprising tries to have both, but in fact has neither. And something that just boggles my mind; the music from the first film is barely used, the first film's crazy awesome badass theme that makes all who hear it's testicles quadruple in size is used once in the sequel, and not even in an action sequence, but in a montage of the characters repairing their battered Jaegers, which makes it start to look like they were actually trying to suck the magic out of this franchise.

Pacific Rim: Uprising doesn't improve on the first but does succeed in being inferior in pretty much every way. Charisma alone makes Jake a more likable character than Becket, but the sequel still struggles with weak, poorly developed characters, moreover it still struggles with a plot that doesn't make a lot of sense, only with the added hindrance of trying to be serious and set up a Pacific Rimiverse. The Sequel also has the same strength as the first, but again there is the hindrance of the polish and style of the auteur being noticeably absent without Del Toro behind the camera, the film just isn't as cool. The contrivances of the story are made almost impossible to ignore, and the film squanders any potential that it had with lacklustre execution. It's watchable when shit's going down, but in the end Pacific Rim: Uprising just feels like a knockoff, a lower quality clone of its predecessor, a feeling that I couldn't escape once I was out of the theatre, and still can't. Pacific Rim: Uprising is serviceable, but it could have been and should have been so much more, and I personally wouldn't recommend it.

Saturday, 17 March 2018

The War on Pornography: a long series of thoughts

A long time ago (in blog years) I wrote a post titled 'The Conservative Party's war on Porn,' in which I rambled for a few paragraphs about the Conservative British government, headed by David Cameron and then by Theresa May, making numerous attempts to limit, restrict, and control the production, distribution and availability of internet pornography, and how it's a slippery slope of the government slowly taking away people's freedom to consume media. Well, it's over a year later, and me from back then would have hoped that Theresa May's government would be concerning itself with the largest political event this country has seen in decades. But instead Brexit is at a standstill, and Theresa May is proving herself again and again to be too weak to really get anywhere against the European Union. It's already clear that she also has no clue how to properly manage her priorities, wasting time with a pointless and disastrous (and hilarious) election, and attempting to implement the same intensely dubious policies that made me hate this party to begin with. This will be a much broader post than before though, I'll be talking about the Conservatives, but also about violent media, feminism, governmental control of the internet, the influences religion has on society, and porn of course, it'll be really long, so buckle up.

First up, some backstory, before the election results were in, I was expecting the Conservatives to win a bigger majority in parliament, since the closest thing to a viable alternative was Jeremy Corbin, everyone's favourite socialist, I didn't think it was going to be a contest. I still thought they'd win, despite the Conservative manifesto, a cancerous mess of proposals and policies that I'm sure Supreme Leader May thought she could get away with while simultaneously kicking the Labour party while it was down in a landslide victory. That didn't happen however, as the election turned out to be one huge, glorious own goal for May, who lost the party majority that the Conservatives already only barely had, leaving the British parliament in a tight stop, and crushing Supreme Leader May's dreams. As you may or may not have noticed, I'm not a big fan of Theresa May, the reasons for this are numerous, but chief among them is the simple fact that I do not trust her; I never have, it seemed iffy enough when a remainer became the head of Britain's Brexit government, but even before that, I've never seen her as truly having the needs of the nation as a major priority, she's sneaky, Machiavellian, and borderline authoritarian.

My outlook changed slightly with the election, as I no longer saw her as simply borderline authoritarian, but full on authoritarian. Sure, there was the myriad of plans that were miserly and stupid, like free school breakfasts and lifting the ban on fox hunting, which no doubt turned off a bunch of parents and animal lovers, and the unfortunately nicknamed dementia tax, which was an abject disaster, but none of that bothered me more than the internet policies, which were monstrous. This was supposedly a response to the rising threat of terrorism, but I highly, highly doubt that having regulatory control of the internet would make that threat just go away, I said this before about the Investigatory Powers Bill, terrorism is just an excuse. The plans included, but were not limited to, banning the development and distribution of secure software, which sounds real secure don't it, going after closed platforms like game consoles and mobile phones, and, my personal favourite for its sheer lunacy, confiscating foreign nationals' smartphones while they're in the country. You don't have to be a genius to see the holes in these plans; taking people's smartphones is absurd and banning secure software and closed networks is a perfect climate for surveillance, interception and cyber-attack, but it gets worse, as impossible as that may seem.

The regulatory power and intentional crippling of security would effectively grant the Conservative government complete power over the internet, which is more than a little unnerving. Like I've said before, many times, government should not have the power to control or regulate its citizens' consumption of media, though both the Conservatives and the Labour party have been doing that since the days of Tony Blaire and his hate laws. But with the power that the manifesto proposed, it would spread beyond what people can and can't say, extending to what people can see, which is where we finally get to the topic of pornography. Over the years, as I rather insufficiently recalled in my last post on this subject, the British Government seems to really take issue with pornography, and while it has since the dawn of online porn's massive availability, I focused exclusively on the current Conservative Government's puritanical pearl clutching and efforts to kill porn in the UK. I will now outline my stance on the matter of pornography for the sake of clarity, in my opinion, porn is neither a benefit nor a detriment to society, but simply another industry, like books, movies and games, it's a product, though one that, due to its inherently sexual nature and the awkwardness surrounding it, receives far less attention in the public consciousness.

Which is precisely why, as I said last time, it's bound to be mommy state's first target. The public at large doesn't really discuss porn, since it's a bit of a taboo, but what that means is if/when the government makes a move to destroy the porn menace, while smaller voices will speak up, there with be no major resistance from the wider public, after all, it's only porn, and the only people who watch porn are sad, lonely basement dwellers, right? The threat here is that when mommy state has the power to take one thing away, they will inevitably start going after other industries and mediums, it's a slippery slope argument for sure, and porn isn't banned just yet, it's just getting a notoriously censorious organisation put in charge of its regulation, but porn would just be the start. In this case, how long would it be before they target the corruptive force of violence in the media; shooters and action games would have to be censored and regulated because they encourage violence, but the rabbit hole would just keep going deeper from there; for instance, in driving and racing games you can drive irresponsibly, in RPG's you can make morally dubious decisions, and in a certain popular puzzle game there's cute little talking gun turrets, once you can justify censoring one corruptive force, you'll inevitably be able to justify censoring them all. This would be the inevitable end of government control of the internet, China style censorship and regulation that would result in a far smaller, far more restricted internet, where the Government has control over media distribution and consumption. YouTube would be heavily policed or gone because of the Alt Right, Twitter and Facebook would be gone because of all the hate speech, search engine results would be heavily filtered, and porn would simply not exist, because it's dirty and dangerous to the kids, as is Call of Duty and Marvel movies, because they're violent. And at that point, who knows where it would stop; smoking can cause cancer, alcohol can fuck up your organs, and high fat and sugar foods can cause obesity, these are areas that the government is already making moves in. It really becomes a matter of how much freedom the state thinks it can trust its citizens with, since their agency might lead to them making bad decisions, and that's charitably assuming that their intentions for such authoritarianism are good.

Yes I sound like a tin foil hat wearing conspiracy nut right now, but going back to my thoughts on Theresa May, I do not trust her, though I would absolutely trust her to find justifications for ridiculous and tyrannical policies, like, for example, using terrorism as a justification for taking over the internet, and my distrust of her would make me more than comfortable to believe that her scheming wouldn't stop with the conquest of the internet. This has been made painfully observable in just the last few days as of me writing this, with Canadian activist Lauren Southern being detained and denied access to Britain on suspicion of terrorism. As absurd as it sounds that a young, sexy libertarian from Canada can even be considered a terror suspect, the apparent reason is her previously distributing 'racist' flyers stating that Allah is a gay god, like that has anything at all to do with racism and isn't a blatant admission that some ideas are above mockery in this country. Not to mention how it looks that British border police are arresting right-wing activists, given how they treat right-wing activists like Tommy Robinson within the borders, I'm firmly dissuaded from believing that there's no political bias involved. The justification is a moral panic; Lauren Southern wants to spread racism against a religion, Theresa May has tried to exploit hysteria about terrorism to push dangerous online policies, David Cameron, throwing in a twist, attempted to justify his porn policies by trying to cause a moral panic *cough* "normalising sexual violence against women... poisonous to the young people" *cough*. And this isn't unique to Britain either, with both major parties in America trying to use the moral panic around guns to push their own agendas, be it trying to amend or repeal the second amendment, or using it to push for censorship in the media. But when it comes to guns and violent media, there's a correlation causation conundrum, school shooters may play violent video games, but that may simply be incidental, and omit contributing factors that take far greater precedence, such as a person's mental or emotional wellbeing, mental or personality disorders, and external factors like abuse and stress. It also fails to consider that violent video games are played all over the world, but shootings are significantly more frequent in the United States, which has more relaxed gun laws compared to nations like Britain, implying that it's much more of a gun issue than it is a video game issue.

Getting back on topic, I did a bit of info digging, as is only right when trying to be assertive on a topic, and what I found was genuinely surprising. In secular, developed parts of the world like America, Britain and Europe, Pornography has generally more relaxed laws around it in comparison to more theocratic and or less developed parts of the world, like Africa and the Middle East, where porn is illegal in most nations, again though, we face a correlation causation conundrum. Here's the conundrum, and I included a couple of world stat maps for visual reference, with the bottom one showing Suffrage by country and year. There would appear to be a correlation in these maps; more secular, developed nations like America, Britain and the European nations, who reached suffrage earlier and rank higher in gender equality than African and the Middle Eastern nations, also have the most relaxed pornography laws. The cause of this could be many things, one such possibility is that this reflects the development of liberal and egalitarian values across the globe with regards to women. Meanwhile in less enlightened parts of the world, like the highly conservative and theocratic Islamic states, women's liberties are severely restricted, and coincidentally, so is access to pornography. What this implies is that as a nation becomes less religious, like a lot of western nations are doing, traditions and beliefs of modesty become more relaxed, and beauty starts to be embraced more hedonistically, in other words, people like looking at naked people, and god can no longer tell them that they can't.


The modern world is slowly losing its faith, to a heathenous non-believer like myself, that's a good thing; old, unchallengeable ideas and structures being phased out and replaced by new ideas in a new, more scientific and technological world.  The problem that losing religion comes with is the loss of absolute morality, among other things; while faiths like Christianity and Islam provide rigid, god-ordained codes on what is good and bad, the atheistic mindset of there being no god delegitimises said god-ordained codes. Unlike what hardcore believers say however, people not believing in god doesn't completely destroy society, since we can all generally agree that things like murder and theft are wrong, ideas born from religion that have since been passed down through culture and enshrined in law. But unfortunately, nature is violent, and humans are animals. To compare this to something contemporary, in The Walking Dead, society has been completely destroyed by a zombie apocalypse, inherited religious morals like murder and theft are pushed to their extremes as people fight to survive, and in season 8, there is a war going on, between a collection of survivor colonies that are trying to uphold pre-apocalypse morals and values, and the Saviors, a colony that has abandoned many pre-apocalypse values in favour of a cult of personality surrounding a violent and autocratic warlord. At the core of the war is a clash of ideologies; with Alexandria, Hilltop and the Kingdom all still holding onto a pre-apocalypse societal model, and the Saviors structuring their society into a rigid hierarchy, with Negan and his inner circle at the top, and other colonies that they have enslaved through violence and fear at the bottom. This is common in post-apocalypse stories; violent autocratic systems of governance rising to power, might making right, with the apocalypse restarting a survival of the fittest mentality. And among the survivors, there will always be loyalists; not just people who group around the strongest and fittest to ensure their own survival, but in the case of systems like the Saviors, perhaps to also find a sense of order in the chaos of nature, a guiding hand, or rather a barbed baseball bat, to help them make sense of the world.

There was a point to that little digression, I swear. While humanity is made equally in the eyes of the law, or at least they should be, they are not and will never be made equally in the eyes of nature, there will always be strong and weak, there will always be leaders and followers. This is where religion, and eventually modern ideological movements like Feminism come into play. A desire to make sense of chaos is one of the reasons Religions have so much appeal; they provide answers, as well as providing absolute morality. In this sense, ideologies like Feminism are modern religions; as they provide answers that make sense of the world, although in the case of feminism, those answers almost never make sense, because like religion before it, it has a habit of getting cause and effect mixed up. Feminists, for example, see the discrepancy in average earnings between men and women and assume that this is by design; the pay gap, they go on the assumption that it's by design for the same reason that a creationist assumes that the human body was designed, they believe there is a higher power. The key difference here however is that in the case of creationists, that power is a benevolent god, while in the case of feminists, that power is a malevolent, oppressive system; the Patriarchy, but both groups are doing the same thing, looking at something that doesn't appear to have a natural reason for being, and therefore inferring that the reason is not natural. Ignorance plays a big part in this, for obvious reasons; with both groups using confirmation bias to support their conclusions. But there is another sense in which Feminism is a religion, and that is, of course, morality, which is where Feminism goes from stupid to sinister.

Feminism, like Christianity, has encoded in its core beliefs a system of morality. Feminism, like Christianity, has an enemy. The Patriarchy, by the feminist definition, is a gender-based hierarchy that values men over women, and in which men have most, if not all the power. Feminism has, however, become a joke on the internet over the last few years, as their version of Satan has been repeatedly and mercilessly refuted; there is no such thing as the Patriarchy, as a system that values men more than women would never allow for such a huge discrepancy in workplace fatalities, homelessness and violent crime victimisation, let alone grant women the right to vote and run for office. And since it's very creation, Feminism has held, if not been completely built upon anti-male sentiment, taking the social justice approach that states that the oppressed can hate their oppressors, and that men are the oppressors, thus it's okay to hate men, like this lovely pair of cunts protesting Father's Day. In this oppressor-oppressed system, women are naturally the oppressed, and face all sorts of injustices at the hands of society, which is where feminist morality is rooted, things such as the dreaded male gaze, the immoral act of men liking sexy women, which is where Anita Sarkeesian's push for feminism in gaming is rooted. Men like sexy women, but this is objectification, dehumanising women for the pleasure of men. And hence, in Sarkeesian's mind, sexy women in video games is wrong, as is depicting men in powerful or dominant roles, as they enforce "harmful" and "problematic" gender norms in the "presumed straight male player". This positively poisonous mentality naturally spills over to other medias, films, books, and even music, and if it's morally wrong to portray women as sexy and to portray men as powerful and dominant, because sexy women is objectification, and maleness is toxic, that effectively makes Pornography, an industry built entirely on sexual desire on appeal, the literal manifestation of evil.

There is another thing Feminism has in common with religion, and that's its ability to influence politics. The ideology preys of the good intentions of people around it by trying to secure a monopoly on ideas such as gender equality, after all, you want women to be equal, right? But that's only what the dictionary says Feminism is about, as I said before, for decades now, Feminism has been a distinctly anti-male ideology; proclaiming that all men are sexist and that they need to sit with their legs together on public transport because their anatomy is sexist, lest we forget the absolutely abhorrent Feminist beliefs that all men are potential rapists and abusers, and that men are never victims of anything ever, never mind all the homelessness, domestic abuse perpetrated by women, and that in countries like mine, it's legally impossible to convict women of rape, because equality. So when feminism uses the goodwill of the normies to get itself into high places like politics and industry, that toxic mentality can start doing some serious damage; like not funding abuse shelters for men, enforcing gender equity policies that throw meritocracy out of the window and breed mediocrity, and spew out propaganda about "toxic masculinity," about manspreading and mansplaining and using questionable or outright false statistics to make the genders afraid of each other. Their Feminist puritanism naturally therefore starts to spread to media policy; which usually ends in censorship, yay. You can no longer show women who are weak, feminine, sexually appealing or subordinate, as that would be sexist and immoral, meanwhile you also get strongly discouraged from showing men as strong, masculine and in a leadership role, because that promotes harmful, patriarchal, misogynistic and bla bla bla. And again, if portraying women as sexually appealing and feminine is immoral, then you're bound to think that porn is the worst thing in existence, and if you're a feminist activist or politician who can influence policy, there's no limit to how far you can spread the cancer.

In the past, it was religion that tried to strangle porn, because it was against the will of god to indulge in the pleasure of human beauty and sexual desire. But the rise of the internet has led to an explosion in availability of all kinds of products and medias, a product of more enlightened and technological world. But with the decline of religion came a loss of divine morality, and a spiritual vacuum that was always going to end up being filled, be it by another religion, or by a new belief system built upon a similar framework to religion. In the secular western world, that vacuum came to be filled by progressive ideologies, one such being Feminism, an ideology every bit as hostile to pornography for remarkably similar reasons; because they too believe that indulging in sexual desire is immoral, though because of Patriarchy rather than the word of god. Feminism is also very good at infiltration and has managed to infest numerous industries and implement policies that sate their beliefs, while feeding on the goodwill of everyday people. This scheming isn't unique to Feminism however, as authoritarian politicians are everywhere, ones who have their own agendas and beliefs, and will use any justification to push their agendas at every turn; censoring media, banning journalists from entering the country on politically motivated grounds, increasing their own power, and targeting industries that they deem immoral and corruptive. One such politician is our current PM, Theresa May, whose grossly authoritarian and miserly policies cost her party their majority in parliament, a much-deserved self-inflicted wound. Her priorities are backwards in the age of Brexit, as like the last few PMs before her, she's out to control the citizenry's consumption of media, and sees Porn as an easy target thanks to the public apprehension surrounding it, and an obvious target in a new age of feminist and progressive puritanism, of which I highly doubt she isn't a firm believer. The AgeID system may not be a ban, but it's a policy that, once in place, will be there forever, and will inevitably be expanded upon in the future, it's just another step towards that ban, a ban that would be a victory for censorship, and the start of very long, very dark road.

Now, assuming you've made it this far, you may think this incredibly long screed to be a stroke of genius, or the ramblings of a maniac; one deeply delusional and paranoid, and who thinks that the Government wants to delete his digital spankbank. If you think that of me, I'm fine with that, but my intention is to be honest, right or wrong, about what I think of the war on pornography. Really, it's not a war on porn at all, but a war against the open consumption of digital media, which I why it should worry you as it does me, because the tendrils of censorship are always looking for new things to strangle, and it's reaching would never end with the destruction of porn. As usual though, feel free to disagree, and thanks for reading.

Thursday, 15 March 2018

Game Night movie review

Here's what you need to know; Max and Annie, having been married happily for several years, are ready to take their relationship to the next level, but are struggling due to Max's feelings of inadequacy to his more successful brother Brooks. To sate their highly competitive nature, they host weekly game nights with their friends, but tonight's game night is going to be different, as Brooks is hosting, as has found himself in the crosshairs of a gang of deadly criminals. Now with their lives on the line, and not knowing what to believe, it will indeed be a game night to remember.
I really should get used to this; going to the cinema to see films that aren't really on my radar, as once again it was my dad's idea. However, the reason that I said I should get used to it, and not stop agreeing to go is fairly simple, so far he hasn't recommended a bad film. But is this time going to be different, let's see.

Game Night's introduction, as is expected, introduces the audience to its main characters, but what I found cool was how effectively and how sweetly (kill me) it did it. The relationship between Jason Bateman's Max and Rachel McAdams' Annie is immediately likable, as are they, their chemistry is positively adorable, and both work off each other very effectively in the comedic scenes. What surprised me was how hard I was laughing for a sizable amount of this film, and a lot of that's down to the comedy being smart and well written, but it's equally down to fantastic execution; the creepy neighbour character could have been one of the many things that brought this film down, instead his awkwardness and unsettling demeanour is really funny, the discomfort Max and Annie feel around him is darkly funny, and the surprising amount of development these characters get makes you at least partially sympathetic to Garry, even if he is a creep. The black couple, whose names I don't remember, could have easily fallen due to a joke that persists with them for most of the film, a joke that had a really entertaining, and surprisingly unexpected payoff. Then there's the other couple, who I also don't remember the names of; though that's more understandable since they're easily the weakest duo of the film; him being a moron was funny at times, but other times it was just an unnecessary hindrance, and while I much preferred his smarter, Irish partner, I was often watching their scenes and wanting Annie and Max to come back. The reason for that, in addition to me now probably being in love with Rachel McAdams, is just that they were really good; not only was I laughing my arse off at many of their scenes, but as I said before, their chemistry was really good, and the relationship in this film is nicely developed and very heartfelt. Easily the funniest scene in the film is those two in an alley trying to get a bullet out of Max's arm themselves, it's sounds dumb, and looks dumb if you watch the trailer, but it was fantastically executed, and has mixed in with the grizzly humour a decent amount of adorableness, I loved it.


Game Night surprised me in another way while I was watching it, the film is unpredictable. While things appear to be straight forward when the film starts, the film throws several twists and turns in at numerous points. One such twist is rather morbid, but feeds into that excellent character development that Annie and Max have, it's remarkably heartfelt, even considering the morbidity of it. And towards the end of the film, there's one big twist that's similarly morbid, and a little bit less sweet. The big twist does however recontextualise a significant amount of the film's events in a way that I obviously can't spoil. But when the film goes into its climax, with the new context of the twist, a lot of the events of the film, especially the finale, start to become far-fetched; it gets difficult to believe that all of these events could happen in a single night, by pure coincidence, as the film does a bit of an Inception with all of its fake over real over fake sequences, and it's a stretch to believe that all of the pieces miraculously fell into place without anybody dying. It's not enough to ruin the movie, far from it, but I found the film more enjoyable and intriguing for the first two thirds as opposed to the finale, even with the handful of really funny gags in said finale. A final thing that I found interesting was the way the film looked; the film was filmed very standardly in several scenes, albeit with a comedic element, but at several points the film employs miniature faking, my guess is it's to invoke thought of a board game, like Monopoly, and in the context of the twist, that makes a lot of sense, but whatever the reason, it's not something I see that often in film, and I liked it. The film also had a cool way of framing car chases, though if that technique has a name, I don't know it, again though I reckon it's to gamify the film's presentation, like the miniature faking, and if so, it works, I like it.

I had a really good time watching Game Night, it was far better than I was expecting it to be; I thought it'd be fine, instead I really enjoyed it. The film had far more character depth than I was expecting, an aspect that greatly benefits it, as it's very easy to get invested in Annie and Max, who are both extremely funny and likable characters. By comparison however, the other two couples are less entertaining, but even they were funny at times, and the film's humour is very well executed and written, resulting in a film that's as funny as it is sweet. The film does struggle in its finale though, as it strays into the realms of unbelievability, but it's not enough to spoil the film as a whole. Game Night is a lot of fun, and it's definitely worth watching.

Friday, 2 March 2018

Moar Blu Rays: January & February 2018

I didn't do a Blu Ray update last month, I know, hell of a start for a series of monthly updates, but unlike usual, the reason wasn't laziness, but instead simply that I bought all of two Blu Rays in the month of January, and didn't feel that an update was really worth doing for such a small number. This month however, much to the agony of my bank account, I mended that error with a series of decent Blu Ray hauls, and before you is the spoils of those hauls, plus January's loot to pad out the number a bit. From the month of January comes IT, a film that I, obviously, have a massive amount of love for, and a film that I got in trouble for when I showed it to my 5 year old nephew, who, unsurprisingly, is now absolutely terrified of Pennywise, but what's the point in being an uncle if you can't be a bad influence. We also have Kingsman: The Golden Circle, the perfectly serviceable sequel to the film that made me fall in love again after my breakup. What's sad is that's all true, I was in a bad place, I saw The Secret Service, and now movies are my life, though serviceable might be a misleading word, because The Golden Circle's actually a lot of fun. Now for February, from where the real meat comes; the three 5 for £30's are The Goonies, Cloverfield and Get Out, it's three instead of five simply because I was pressed for time. Cloverfield's now a franchise, so I guess I should watch the first one at some point, and The Goonies is a film that I, probably like many people, watched countless times in my younger years, and Get Out's good, apparently, but I had a Black Panther screening to make, so Get Out was just so I could still get the 3 for £20 deal on 5 for £30's and still be in time, yep, literally the reason. Going less impulsive and more substantive, on the same day I also snagged the Indiana Jones collection, both because Temple of Doom was a film that scared me as a kid, and because I know there's an Indiana Jones binge at some point in my future. Lego Ninjago, because I never reviewed it when it was out in cinemas, and to round out my Lego Movies, and on the topic of rounding out; The Mummy Returns, I now have the Boris Karloff Mummy, the Tom Cruise Mummy (yes, I actually do, I also have Paul Feig's Ghostbusters) and now, the complete trilogy of Brendan Fraser Mummy's. Surprisingly, I've been chasing The Mummy Returns since August, when I picked up Tomb of the Dragon Emperor in Tenby, and in case you haven't already noticed, there's some real garbage in my Blu Ray collection.

As evidenced by our next turd- just kidding, Blade Runner 2049 is absurdly good; it's a film I think more highly of the older it gets, so god help me in ten years when I love it more than my wife and kid that I'll never have. If I ever did have a kid though, they'd inevitably be raised on films like Jumanji, a Blu Ray I already had, but bought again when I saw that sexy steelbook, seriously, look at it, it's fucking sexy, I can hear the drums just from looking at it. They will not, however, be raised on Hellraiser, a Blu Ray three pack I now have thanks to the YouTube channel Midnight's Edge and their Hellraiser series with Gary Tunnicliffe, I've recommended them before, back when the Ghostbusters controversy was in full swing, but if you don't know who they are, they're worth checking out, so do that. Ghost in the Shell: The New Movie, I quite enjoyed the original anime, and I'm even one of those imperialistic racism apologist freaks who liked the live action adaptation, so when I saw my chance to grab The New Movie, a film I know literally nothing about other than that it exists and that it has a comically literal title, I took it. Thankfully liking Halo doesn't make me an evil racist, I think, so I also snagged the video collection, which will hopefully be more functional than the MCC. Truth be told, I already had Nightfall, Forward Unto Dawn and Fall of Reach on Blu Ray, because Halo is the tits, but it was dirt cheap, and I didn't have Halo: Legends on Blu Ray, so that justifies making three more duplicates, right? And that just leaves Thor: Ragnarok, I'm still on my mission to own the entire MCU movie collection on Blu Ray, so Thor: Ragnarok was an inevitability, that and I had a lot of fun watching it in cinemas, now I only have two goals; get The Incredible Hulk, and get binging before Infinity War, oh goodie. And so concludes the roundup of my latest snags, because like I said last time, I'm an addict, and movies are my drug, which I suppose is a good thing, I suppose.

Wednesday, 21 February 2018

Black Panther movie review (plus Meteroette: Black Panther: A Powerful Political Statement?)

Here's what you need to know; the sudden death of the King has thrust T'Challa into assuming his place as ruler of Wakanda, a vast city of wealth and technology hidden away in the Jungles of Africa. But while T'Challa adjusts to his new responsibilities, a challenger from his family's past returns from the shadows with ambitions of seizing the throne for himself, and a plan that will plunge the world into anarchy and darkness.
First of all, I must inform you; dear reader, that as a result of the politicisation of this film, I will be looking at this film through a more political lens than usual, though don't worry about this review being nothing but politics, I'll do my best to keep the majority of it politics free. The politicisation of this film has almost made me anxious to watch it, what with the usual ideologue journos and Twatters treating it like it's the second coming of Jesus Christ, the most important and impactful film to ever be released, and castigating all who dare be critical of it with the harshest terms. I went into this film with the same mindset that I went into Wonder Woman with last year, cautiously optimistic, but more than a little concerned that it would be, to put it bluntly, SJW garbage, but also like Wonder Woman, and much to my relief, it's not. Let's go.

Black Panther opens, in the only way I think it could have, with a prologue sequence providing a brief rundown on the history of Wakanda, I'm not sure if the film needed something like this, as all that is shown in this sequence is either established or implied later in the film, but I guess when you're establishing and entire country's history and culture for the first time, an easy explainer would prove useful. We then get a small scene with King T'Chaka that becomes relevant later in the film. Following a familiar template from the get go, Black Panther then gives us a little Black Pantherness, with him taking down goons in the jungle, a scene that was entertaining enough, but that I personally would have liked to have a bit less dumb action and more suspense, with Black Panther taking out the goons like he was the Predator or something. What's not actually that strange, considering my thoughts on films like Wonder Woman and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, is that while this is a superhero film, and is supposed therefore to be action packed and fun, what really stood out to me in Black Panther was its story and characters, which is good since that one bad review that everyone went berserk over is right, this film hasn't got much action. What it has, first of all, is T'challa, who starts out as kind of boring in the film's rocky first act, this gradually changes over the course of the film however, as he becomes more disillusioned with Wakanda's isolationist attitude and with the actions of previous Kings, including T'Chaka. Those around him also suffer in the film's first act, with his girlfriend being similarly uncompelling, and his sister being downright annoying in some bits. There's one scene with her that was particularly cringe inducing, where she yells "What are those?" referring to T'challa's footwear, a meme reference that still wouldn't be funny even if it wasn't a couple of years out of date. She gets more tolerable as the stakes rise throughout the film though, and ends up rocking some badass blaster gauntlets in the film's finale. Then there's Michonne from The Walking Dead, who, like pretty much everyone in this film, starts out somewhat uncompelling, but later when the film throws a curveball, a new dynamic gets played with her character that I actually adored. Then there's Killmonger, who is a solid villain, and is so for some solid reasons. For starters; he has layers; like all villains he wants to do evil things, but like the best villains, there is a reason for his plan or his attitude. The film shows Killmonger as a bad guy, but it wisely alludes to what turned him into a bad guy, and even more wisely does it in a way that isn't obnoxiously preachy, which it easily could have been because of reasons I'll get to later.

Black Panther, like I said earlier, is defined as much by its characters and story as by its action, which is kind of funny, given how much Lion King I saw in this film. Maybe it's just me, but there are numerous points in this film where it just really reminded me of Disney's The Lion King, there's even a scene where T'Challa goes to some kind of spiritual underworld to see T'Chaka, and it is straight up Lion King, T'Challa has some kind of familial tie to the villain, and must defeat said villain and save his kingdom from destruction. Also like The Lion King, the villain's familial connection to T'Challa makes him a contender for the throne of the Pride La- I mean Wakanda. There isn't really a point to this point however, since The Lion King is easily one of the best films ever made, a film that's a little similar to it isn't really much of a bother. The Tragic story of this film really did it for me however; there are some powerful moments in this film, and there's actually a pretty even split of hero and villain with those powerful moments, culminating in KillMonger's last scene, which is just awesome, and I really wish I could explain why without spoiling, but again, no getting ahead of myself, and I might as well set the stage for later, this film isn't very progressive, but I'll explain later, my point here is that the message this film carries is way too nuanced to be a purely progressive, it's actually a solid message that is handled in a very subtle way, and I love it. My biggest issue with the film in terms of story was that the first act was a bit rocky; there's a lot of pieces that get put on the board at the start, and while it makes it a bit tough to get into at first, as the pieces start to come together, it becomes a very satisfying whole, one that makes me forgive many of its flaws. T'Challa and his friends are boring at first, one very natural feeling character ark later and that problem's solved, they're hunting a one armed arms dealer in Korea, and make very explicit mention of him needing to face justice; that plot point has consequences, and alters the course of the story in surprisingly meaningful ways. And in a complete 180 degree turn from the last Marvel film I reviewed, when this film had the opportunity to inflict some grossly unjust violence, it actually does it, though despite being in frame and happening in the nicely lit middle of the day, apparently Wakandans don't bleed when they get their throats cut, come on, Disney, at least have a bit of blood, or have it happen off screen so it doesn't look like a school play.

Black Panther isn't perfect however, I do have a few issues, and not just with the comedy and the rocky first act, but also with the visuals and the effects. A lot of this film is very visually impressive, Wakanda is an amazing looking city, with a very well realised mix of technology and culture, and fully CG shots of the city look amazing, but the CG is where the film starts to get real faults. There's a lot of green screen in this film, and probably not the best green screen Marvel could manage, rather it's just okay green screen, but it looks a bit off. And what's really strange is there are numerous fully CG shots of the Black Panther, and it doesn't look good, it looks like it was rendered in a video game engine. I love the 1999 Mummy, I can get past bad CG, but when it's 2018 and the film is taking itself seriously and wants you to be invested in its character and action, that's made a bit harder by said action just looking fake. Another problem I have with the film's presentation is the action, in some scenes it's okay, and in others, it's not so okay. For once my issue isn't cinematography, because the fight scenes themselves look alright, and are decently entertaining, at least when you can see what's going on. The film's obligatory big end battle is probably the best of the bunch, with the T'Challa loyalists engaging in all out war against Killmonger, and Martin Freeman's Ross tearing shit up in the skies above, it's dumb and it's fun. But here's the problem, and why I think the jungle fight should have been a suspenseful scene rather than action, when T'Challa in his black Black Panther suit is taking out goons in a dense jungle in the dark, can you deduce a problem. The suit being able to absorb and redistribute kinetic energy is a cool idea, but ultimately is most prominently used in the film to distinguish T'Challa and Killmonger from one another when they're both in black Black Panther suits and they're fighting one on one in a mine, where it's dark. I'll be honest, while the fight itself has a purpose, and I like the character battle that's going down between the two, the actual fight isn't all that enjoyable to watch, and there's a really dumb plot contrivance that's thrown in for god knows what reason. There is one thing I did like about the presentation however, besides the great visual design, and that's the soundtrack; in keeping with the film's weird blend of technology and culture, the soundtrack is very unique, and while I can't see myself listening to it like do with Hans Zimmer's scores, it really works with the film, and I dug it.

*it's all Spoilers and Politics for the rest of the review, you've been warned
Right, I can't hold off any longer, it is time. If you don't want to read my sperging about identity politics, feel free to skip to the end of the review, I'd also advise you not read this if you want to avoid spoilers, because I'm going into some spoilers, and am about to break down how this film is a complete slap in the face to everything that the progressive journos and Twatters praise it for embracing, this film is not Progressive. Over the past few months, it's become more and more clear that the word 'diversity' doesn't mean what it actually means; in progressive circles where they have a problem with white people and where that sort of attitude is not racist, diversity doesn't mean racial diversity, it means there's no white people, fundamentally, the progressive definition of the word is an anti-white sentiment, and by that progressive definition, Black Panther is certainly diverse, with the film's cast being effectively mono-racial. This however kind of makes sense given that it's a film set in Africa, where the majority of the population is black, but my issue is obviously that this film is being praised for its diversity, which, if you read between the lines, means they're praising the fact that it's majority black and there's barely any white people. This is where the hype comes in, because this film has been turned into a cultural event by the progressive media; a film that will literally change the world with its very existence, and the ultimate political and social statement of black power in a white supremacist world. If you think I sound insane, good, it means you still have common sense, because in reality this is a superhero film, it taking place in Africa certainly makes it unique, but strip back the politics that have been thrust upon it and you essentially have a live action Lion King where Simba has superpowers and Scar is his cousin instead of uncle. Naturally this means however that not liking this film while being white is a big no no, the cultural significance that this film doesn't have means that if you don't love it, you're a racist. It's weird; I'm getting flashbacks to Ghostbusters. But Just like Ghostbusters, and Wonder Woman for that matter, if you hate it, or even if you just think it's okay, you're not a bad person, turning films into litmus tests for racism and sexism is a backwards mentality that I can't stand, because like all progressive ideas, it strips away any meaning or nuance, taking away the film's merits, or lack thereof in the case of Ghostbusters, and makes race or gender a film's defining characteristic, when a film shouldn't be judged on those grounds, but instead on its merits or lack thereof. And judging white people based on their thoughts on films is equally stupid, though far more corrosive, as you strip away their individual thoughts on the film, and impose upon them a reason that they don't like it, an inherently uncharitable and malicious reason, one informed at least partially by your own prejudice, in short, it's racist.

But here's where it gets really juicy, and where I go full into spoilers, because while this would appear to be a social Justice Ideologue's wet dream, this film might end up pissing off SJW's instead. Here's the kicker; T'Challa, the first black superhero ever (ignoring all the ones that came before him) is a Nationalist. In the film, Wakanda is a country that likes to keep to itself, literally hiding away from the rest of the world and refusing to share any of its resources, wealth or technology, and the isolationist mentality doesn't stop there, they refuse to allow any non-natives through their borders, that's right, they guard their borders and don't want refugees, which they fear will change Wakanda's culture. Swap out T'Challa for Donald Trump and I'd bet a lot of the people currently screaming and creaming about this film would be slamming it for being Fascist propaganda. Of course though, this film isn't propaganda, its political ideas aren't simple and one sided, but instead impressively nuanced and balanced, as T'Challa is sympathetic to the suffering around the world, but also recognises the importance of his own heritage, this is in fact a central part of his character ark, which is where Killmonger comes in. Killmonger's plan in this film is essentially to start a race war, having grown up alone after someone with power killed his dad, in poverty and surrounded by gang violence, he's been left, unsurprisingly, quite unstable, and has a plan to end the suffering by... giving all the black people in the world Wakandan guns and sending them to war with "their oppressors," and you don't have to be a genius see what that means, that's literally his plan. In this supposedly progressive film, it is in fact the villain who seeks to achieve Social Justice, while the hero is a nationalistic monarch trying to stop the 'liberation' of 'the oppressed', oh that must sting something fierce for those poor Twatters. What's great, in addition to this film giving modern identity politics the middle finger, is how Killmonger's plan influences the hero's ark. Again Black Panther goes for nuance here, like a wound that's left untreated will start to fester, Wakanda not addressing suffering that it has the power to address will leave those people suffering susceptible to being radicalised and adopting extreme views as their own solution to the problem. This is the basis of T'Challa's ark, as he acknowledges that Killmonger is a monster of his father's making, which not only makes for some solid drama, but also puts way more thought into these political ideas than I reckon the Progressive journos and Twatters are prepared for, I fucking love it.

*No more Spoilers and Politics now, you're in the clear
I really like Black Panther, but like all films that I really like but not quite love, there are problems; the film's visual effects, in my opinion, could have been better, and aren't at the standard that Marvel has already set for themselves in previous films, and not all of the action is very enjoyable to watch, simply for the stupid reason that it's not very easy to see what's going on. But the film's visual and sound design is pretty much perfect, I like the music, and I found the world of Wakanda engaging and gorgeous. But easily Black Panther's greatest strength is its characters and story, T'Challa's story is natural and engaging, and while his sister annoyed me a few times, I found myself warming to most of the film's supporting cast. But the film really becomes great when Killmonger shows up; his past is tragic and sympathetic, his plan is sinister and evil, and the drama with him and T'Challa is gripping. But something I really adore is this film's approach to it's social and political ideas, which it handles in a beautifully subtle and mature manner, and its rejection of Social Justice is a far more powerful message than what the Progressive left want this film to stand for. Black Panther is a film I'd gladly watch again, and it's definitely worth watching.

Wednesday, 7 February 2018

Something really stupid

 One of two things has happened, one; i'm too stupid to read a clock, two; the circumstanses of the last week or so are starting to have an effect, for personal reasons I've been sleeping even worse than usual. Whatever the case, i write to you from the canteen where i work, because i walked to work and somehow didn't realise that i am an hour early. Unlike my usual, slightly more professional posts, this one's getting typed up on my phone, a task made difficult by my fat fingers, and no doubt this post will be riddled with spelling and grammer errors because of my stupid circumstances. I've contemplated many things over the last few days; Moar Blu rays isn't worth doing because I only got 2 new Blu rays in January, I edited a photo of the super moon to make it orange because i was on the wrong side of the world to watch the eclipse, but there's not a lot of substance there either, and I suddenly want an Amazon Fire stick because i learned that I can watch Transformers: Animated on it. All pointless drivel, as are most of my daily thoughts, that and self hatred and bitternes, but put me in the position where i have literally nothing to do for an hour and surround me with my twatty supervisors, and suddenly there's substance to be found in my brain farts. So that's the pictures, a super moon we had a few nights ago, one that i mutilated on BeFunky for the hell of it. And it's not exactly like anyone cares, but maybe one day my life will improve to the point that I can actually read a clock, and maybe, now I've learned that I have the means to do so, I will get to watch my favourite cartoon once more, and review the shit out of it, only time will tell, ironically, I'm so bored, now if you'll excuse me, i have to go and fail at flirting, oh yeah, and do my job, shit.

Thursday, 1 February 2018

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen movie review

Here's what you need to know; two years after the destruction of the Allspark, the Autobots have fully adjusted to life on Earth, now co-operating with the US Government to hunt down and exterminate the remaining Decepticons, meanwhile Sam plans to leave his life of planet saving behind and get back to a normal life, starting with a college education. Their fates will once again be entwined however as the Decepticons return, along with an ancient Cybertronian evil which seeks revenge on the last of the Primes and the eradication of the human race.
It's 2009, Transformers came out 2 years ago and was a major financial success, sucking up a massive $700 million internationally, so of course there's a sequel coming out to capitalise on Paramount's new billion-dollar franchise. But more important than all of that, there was a young lad who was ecstatic that after the badassness that was Transformers, they were actually making another one, that lad was me, I went to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen in cinemas in 2009, and surprisingly, given how many times I watched the first one back then, I only saw this one once, that one time that I saw it in cinemas, so once again I was in the mood to be honest about this film, especially since this is pretty much unanimously considered to be the worst in the series, if not one of the worst films ever made, so let's get cracking.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen starts off in a way that immediately has me conflicted; as Optimus Prime once again pontificates over a prologue that establishes that humans and Cybertronians have already encountered one another. This is just the start of this series throwing continuity to the wind, given that in the prologue of the first film Optimus called Earth an "unknown planet," but retconing like that is something I can forgive if the film then A, doesn't retcon itself to death and B, gives us something good, so does it, well, sort of yes, but mostly no. Like the first film, we are then treated to an action sequence, one that introduces the human-Autobot alliance, as well as Mudflap and Skids, but that comes later. Admittedly, there is fun to be had in this opening scene, with a really, really big Decepticon causing chaos in Shanghai, there's also a little car chase that's alright on the side. Then, just like the first one, the film grinds to a halt as we are reintroduced to Sam. This is where the film really starts to suffer, as we once again have, in this even longer film, tones of screen time dedicated to Sam, his girlfriend, who thankfully is more tolerable this time, and his parents, oh god his parents. Let's just get the good out of the way shall we, I like that the parents are now aware that Sam's car is a Transformer, that's actually some good streamlining there, and later in the film, when the Decepticons kidnap them to use against Sam, that's an interesting idea, one that other Transformers stories over the years have also used, and used well. The problem with the parents really sums up a great deal, in that every single problem that the first film had has been brought back, and some of them, like the parents, have been made worse; they are even more intolerable in this film, and there's even more screen time with them, they're still annoying and awkward, but just more. John Turturro's back, and he is off the chain this time, making his performance in the first film look reserved. New additions include Sam's college roommate, who should never have been in the film, since he's completely useless and teeth grindingly annoying, maybe even the most annoying part of the film, but that might be a stretch. The only thing that could be considered a saving grace in the film is Josh Duhamel and company, who now form NEST, the human-Autobot alliance, but that's because it's the only subplot in the film that isn't morosely obnoxious and nonsensical, in fact it's kind of neat.

In my review of the first film I commented that the film seemed to think that it was a comedy, and that most of the humour was weak and awkward, but compered to Revenge of the Fallen, the first film is comedic genius. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen cranks the comedy up to eleven, and while it was semi successful before, this time it's pretty much a train wreck. What with the parents getting more screen time, and with his mum being an emotional wreck to gets high in one scene, the downright predatory lecturer, the annoying roommate who literally doesn't shut up, John Turturro, who's essentially playing a cartoon version of his character from the first film, gay dog sex, yes, gay dog sex, a robot humping Megan Fox's leg, and Devastator having testicles, I could go on. None of that even considers the comedy derived from the film's obnoxious stereotypes; Mudflap and Skids get a lot of racism accusations for this, but that's just the tip. This film deploys stereotypes of black people in Mudflap and Skids, old people in Jetfire, college students in Sam's roommate, parents in the parents, the working class in John Turturro's post Sector Seven career, the government in, well, the government, it's a shitshow, and none of it is funny, it's actually kind of painful. what's worse is that most of these comedic elements have no bearing on plot progression, but sadly this film doesn't have a serviceable sci fi thriller plot like the first one to save it, this film's plot is a total failure. It starts out intriguing enough, with tension between the Autobots and the government, Megatron coming back from the dead, and Sam starting to go crazy and seeing Cybertronian symbols in his head. But then the film loses the plot when it starts going on about astronomy, Egyptian history and destiny, culminating in the Fallen having Force and teleport powers for some reason and Sam having a death vision, it's ridiculous, and it makes no sense, as in literally no sense, but I'll get to the plot holes later. And that's not even considering that this film treats Transformers lore like toilet paper.

First up, the good, and an area where I think that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen made improvements over its predecessor. The film's representation of the Transformers, for the most part, is better here than in the first; Megatron does things and says things, and he does them with the cunning and villainy that was lacking in the first film, save for one detail, I like this film's version of Megatron more. The one detail kind of ruins it though, as the film gives Megatron a master; that master is the Fallen, a weak as hell villain who does literally nothing until the film's finale, and rectons the history of the Transformers in a way that I cannot stand. Plus, him being Megatron's master is just bad, in concept and in execution; Megatron is the leader of the Decepticons, he even says it himself, "Even in death, there is no command but mine." A great line for sure, but one that comes not even 10 seconds before Megatron kneeling in subservience to the Fallen, what sense does that make. Something the film did nail, and I do genuinely like, is the relationship between Megatron and Starscream; they did Starscream far better in this film, with a portrayal that is slimy, cowardly and sadistic, and Megatron's distrust and hatred of Starscream is also well done. Unfortunately however that's it for Decepticons with personality, it's an improvement for sure, but of the 20+ Decepticons in this film, I only cared to remember the names of 5, and some of them aren't given names, which is stupid, evidently Michael Bay went for quantity in the sequel, and it doesn't work. Then there's the Autobots; again, you have Bumblebee, Optimus Prime and Ironhide, then a bunch of others who do little, say little, and have little personality. Ironhide's probably the most harmless of all of them, being the same ill-tempered arm-cannon wielding badass as before, Bumblebee is also pretty much the same, and that's not a problem, then we get to Optimus, and like Megatron, we start to have problems. This portrayal is as flawed as the first, just in different ways; while the unbefitting attempts at comedy like "sorry, my bad" are now gone, they've been replaced with equally unbefitting lines like "give me your face," one that the tfwifi had a field day with. They seemed to 'fix' Prime in this film by making him uncharacteristically violent, and like before, there are slithers of wisdom of compassion in there, and he has some really good lines like "You'll never stop at one," in response to Megatron's "Is the future of our race not worth a single human life," but then Optimus Prime disfigures and mutilates the Fallen before ripping out his Spark and crushing it, and proclaiming victory over his mangled corpse, which makes him no better than the Decepticons, and makes this paragon of wisdom and compassion into a blood thirsty warlord, they really couldn't have missed the mark any more.

My biggest problem however, ahead of their perversion of Optimus and their demoting of Megatron is what they did to the Matrix of Leadership. As I said, this film treats Transformers lore like toilet paper, and the stupidest aspect of this is them taking the Matrix of Leadership, perhaps the most important relic in Transformers, and turning it into a McGuffin. Over the years the Matrix has been and meant many things; but what has never changed is its significance, it has always meant something to wield the Matrix, it's never simply been a spiky key. Probably what annoys me the most about this is that it's just another Allspark; in the first film the good guys were looking for it, they found it, and then had to keep it out of the hands of the bad guys who want to use it for evil, the Matrix in this film is exactly the same, good guys look for it, find it, keep it out of hands of bad guys, it's lazy writing, and the name Matrix was no doubt chosen precisely because of its significance, it's a relic that Transformers fans will recognise, which is ironic given how unrecognisable it is as a spiky key. There is one scene where they try, where someone says that the Matrix is earned instead of found, but as I'll get into later, this film's about as consistent as Social Justice, and it renders the Matrix completely wasted, swapping it out with, for example something comparable to an Omega key, would make more sense, have the same impact on the plot, and not completely waste the Matrix of Leadership. In fact, how's this for an idea, after the destruction of the Allspark, Megatron is revived and still wants to build an army, he goes looking for a key that will turn on a sun harvester that his Decepticon minions found off world in his absence, killing earth but giving him the energon he needs to build his army, with the added motivation of killing humanity after a human (Sam) killed him in the first film, then you'd have a revenge plot that makes sense, as well as something resembling motivation for the villain, which the Fallen doesn't have, and you'd cut out all the Egypt and astronomy and ancient Transformers nonsense that retcons the shit out of the first film. Right there I think I also put more thought into a plot than the writers of this film did. On a slightly less know-it-all note, the aforementioned quantity of Transformers is also a problem, though that's simply a matter of large ensembles and good character development being effectively mutually exclusive, a problem compounded by this film's character development being utter shite, I don't even remember catching most of their names in this film, more doesn't inherently mean better, though the people who made this film clearly disagree.

Now for something that would be good if the film knew how to not overdo things, the action. There's one good action sequence in this film; the fight in the forest with Optimus Prime, Megatron, Starscream and Blacko- I mean Grindor. Unlike the film's finale, this fight is not completely over the top and ridiculous, being a very small fight in comparison, and, it being 3v1 with Optimus taking on Megatron and his second in command, has a good amount of tension to it, and it also doesn't outstay it's welcome, it's duration is pretty much perfect. Revenge of the Fallen makes the legitimate improvement of mostly ditching the shakycam, the hand-held cam is still here, and it's a bit more controlled this time, and the excellent mounted and panning shots are still excellent, benefited by visual effects that are about on par with the first, so still really good looking, but they really should calm down with the tracking, evidently Michael Bay doesn't know how to keep a camera still, and it actually annoys me in some scenes. There's one scene that's particularly annoying, with Starscream and Megatron on a roof, there are six shots in this scene, and all of them are tracking wide shots with either left to right or right to left camera movement, there are no close ups, no mounted, minimal angling, every shot in this sequence is the same, it's dull to look at. But here's where we get to the real problems; the film's climax, this time taking place in Egypt for some reason, is about 45 minutes long, now I wouldn't have as much of a problem with this were it not for a few things. For starters, the Transformers aren't the focus of this climax, the focus of the climax is Sam getting to Optimus Prime, and essentially having to go through a warzone to get there, this could work if the battle wasn't stupidly long, but it is, and if the human characters were decent, which they're not, in this climax I wanted Devastator to step on John Turtorro and the roommate, and while it kind of makes sense that Sam's parents are there, subbing them out for Megan Fox and having less of all 3 of them would have made it more watchable, even if Megan Fox does drop a solid(ish) F bomb. Easily the biggest flaw with this entire sequence is how excessive it all is; it goes on for far too long, and there's no substance to it at all, and the explosions get repetitive. And for some stupid reason Michael Bay seems to like explosions that explode like fireworks, but it makes them look less like explosions and more like pyrotechnics, they look too controlled, which is weird given how out of control everything else is. It goes on for so long, and there are so many things going on, so many useless characters, so many Autobots and Decepticons, so many explosions, it gets really numbing at a point. And what I find both most bizarre and most inexcusable is the laziness of this film's editing; the first film reused footage a few times, which was lazy, but not like this, they not only reuse shots from this film, they reuse footage from the first Transformers movie, multiple times, and they mirrored and reversed at least one shot, which makes me think that it isn't just one, I'm honestly surprised that with a budget of $200 million, they still couldn't be arsed, and just recycled footage.

So this film's got problems, lots of problems, but maybe there's at least a bit of hope if the film was consistent and made sense, well, assuming you haven't noticed yet, the film is not consistent, in fact it makes absolutely no sense. One of the biggest WTF's of the film is Alice; a 'sexy' student at Sam's college that turns out to be a Decepticon spy, which in and of itself isn't the problem, the problem is that she's a Transformer, she is a Cybertronian robot that transforms into a human. Ignoring for a second the fact that it makes literally no sense that a non-biological organism (NBE as they were designated by Sector Seven in the first film,) can transform into a perfect imitation of a biological organism, it's one of the stupidest sights the film has to offer, it looks completely absurd when a metal tentacle fires out of her mouth, and even worse in a dreadful close up of her face as she 'transforms,' an effect that looks more like a person's face being slagged by molten metal. But the biggest problem is also, ironically, the smallest, as this film is full of so many tiny little inconsistencies, like Alice being a robot, or the fact that apparently no one kept a record of Cybertronian history, or the fact Sam didn't think to use a shard of the Allspark to revive Optimus after the Decepticons used one to revive Megatron, or the fact that apparently "raw power" can kill a Transformer and then bring it back to life. How is it that touching a shard of the Allspark can send Sam insane after he held the entire Allspark for most of the first film's climax, how come 5 Decepticons went to the ocean floor and six came back up even though they killed one of their own for parts, from where did Sam get that big arse Knife and from where did Megan Fox get that very professional looking bandage in the middle of a desert. I'm still going, how about Sam now having a destiny, one tied to literally tens of thousands of years of Human and Cybertronian history, even though the only reason anyone wanted him in the first film was the glasses, how about why didn't the Fallen swoop in and snatch the Allspark instead of sitting around doing nothing on Saturn for a few dozen millennia, or how can the Primes can bring Sam back from the dead, and how do they think he's worthy of wielding the Matrix, even though the Fallen, who is clearly not worthy, can also wield it, and not have it turn to dust in his hands like it did for Sam, or how Jetfire defected from the Decepticons because he didn't want to live a life of hate, when the leader of the Autobots is going around ripping off faces and ripping out Sparks like a psychopath. Are you getting the point, plot holes can be forgiven if minor or few in number, but this film is so sloppy and full of plot holes that it completely collapses, it destroys itself with how loosely and messily it all comes together as a whole, if you can even call what's on offer here a whole.

Is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen terrible, at this point I'm sure you know my answer to that. The film does make improvements in a couple of aspects, the film's presentation has seen minor improvements, with less shakycam and more tracking shots, though even they start to get annoying, and they Got Starscream right, Megatron about half right, and Optimus Prime about a quarter right, so that's something. Other than that though, there's very little to like in this film, as all of the first film's biggest failings have remained unfixed. Even the action, which is as entertaining here as it was in the first, outstays it's welcome something absurd, and ends up being boring. But without a shadow of a doubt, this film's biggest failures are its story, characters, and comedy; the plot is so riddled with holes and so prone to nonsensical logic and retconing that it falls apart, the characters vary from serviceable to face punch worthy, with the majority leaning towards the latter, the film tries so desperately to be funny, with results ranging from dull and humourless to offensively un-funny, and the film's constant use of obnoxious stereotypes does nothing but hurt it more. Add on to that the fact that it doesn't give a shit about the story it's trying to tell with the material that it's pulling from, and you piss me off both as a fan of movies and a fan of Transformers. I don't think Revenge of the Fallen is unwatchable like some people claim, but it's most certainly terrible, and it's a film I'd recommend avoiding, but bring round some friends and break out the alcohol and maybe then this film can be enjoyed, just not for the reasons the people behind it intended.