Pet Sematary (2019) movie review

Here's what you need to know; when he moves his family out to the quiet little town of Ludlow in Maine, Louis Creed hopes that things will calm down a little and that he can spend more time with his wife and kids. That doesn't quite work out however when he learns that on his property is the Pet Sematary, a place where kids ritualistically bury their dead pets. But something far more sinister lurks in the trees, deeper in the woods, past the Pet Sematary, is a place where the line between life and death blurs, and where an unimaginable evil waits for Louis and his family.

I'm not much of a Stephen King guy, I don't dislike him, I'm just not very familiar with him or his work, and as such, have not read his book; Pet Sematary or seen the 1989 film based on it. I did, however, adore IT in 2017, and was enticed by the trailers for Pet Sematary; the latest attempt to bring Stephen King's work to the big screen. And I will say it now, if you somehow have not seen any trailers for this film, don't, because they spoil the entire film, but since I'll be talking about these spoilers in my review, here is your obligatory spoiler warning, I'll try to keep it as light as possible, but no promises.

Pet Sematary's opening is creepy, to say the least, giving us a flash forward of a burning house and a car door covered in bloody handprints, before we flash back to the beginning of the story. This sequence sets the tone beautifully as the bright, inviting colours of Maine contrasts wonderfully with the dark, lifeless aesthetic of the flashforward. Without a word spoken, the film establishes its horrific tone and foreshadows its chilling conclusion, I love it. What follows is a very typical and charming introduction to our victims; Louis Creed and his family, as well as the family pet, a friendly little cat named Church. Louis's character is not your typical horror hero, in fact he's not a hero of any sort, and is less of a character and more of an exploration of the premise of the Pet Sematary. He starts out as a completely normal guy, he works a job, has a wife and two kids, they're all happy, there's nothing out of the ordinary about him. The closest thing to an ark that louis has is his atheism, which is challenged in this film, obviously, and I can see one way of looking at this film where he is a villain, since the really bad shit that happens is mostly his fault. But it's this ambiguity that I like about him; you could see him as a stupid fool who ignores the obvious warnings out of greed and a desire to play god, or you could see him as a normal man driven insane not only by grief, but by his discovery that death is not permanent. This conflicting character is fascinating, but he isn't exactly a crowd-pleasing hero, and I can see that as a reason that most of the people I know who've seen this film think that it's boring and overly depressing, because our 'hero' is an every man who makes a terrible mistake for a perfectly understandable reason.

His wife, Rachel has a bit more going on thanks to her past experiences with death. It's a touchy subject for her, as is the existence of the afterlife, which she likes to believe in while her atheistic husband dismisses it. This film isn't exactly scary in a conventional sense, but the scenes where Rachel is haunted by her past are some of the creepiest scenes in the film, and make beautiful use of visual and body horror, providing the film with some pretty disturbing imagery. Their daughter, Ellie serves a much simpler and more singular role in the film, that being an example of the nature of life and death; of how life can be so sweet and pure, of how death can seem so cruel and unfair, but how it's merely an unavoidable, amoral reality of life, one that we have no right to meddle with, no matter how well we justify it. Feeding into this notion of death being neither bad or good is Victor, a ghost that haunts Louis throughout the film and warns him of the Pet Sematary, a place where he mustn't tread as "the ground is sour," a warning that Louis makes the mistake of ignoring. This film's line up of central characters is very small, as the only one left that we haven't discussed is Jud, the very grandfatherly neighbour who finds Ellie exploring the Pet Sematary and becomes a friend of the family. Like Louis, Jud made the mistake of meddling with mortality when he was younger, and knows not only about the power of the woods, but also how dangerous and evil it is. But he too makes a terrible mistake for a perfectly understandable reason, one that kicks off all this film's fucked up goings on. But while Louis is a bit of an every man, Jud has, as I said before, a very grandfatherly quality about him, one that's challenged by the subtlest of implications towards the end of the film.

One thing that might be a bit of a problem for a lot of viewers is that use of implication and ambiguity, there are a lot of things in this film that aren't explained or explored in detail, such as Jud's past and how far he went with the power given to him by the Pet Sematary, but the most mysterious thing in the film is the Wendigo. The Wendigo was a legend from old Indian folklore of a monster or evil spirit that prowled the forests of the Atlantic coast, one driven endlessly by its desire to sate its insatiable hunger, the legend is associated with loads of nice things like murder, famine, cannibalism and greed, but in the context of Pet Sematary, it means something a little different. The Wendigo is nothing more and one of the film's numerous implications, a monster that is never seen, but who's presence lingers just out of sight for the entire film. There is something in the woods, and as Jud says, it maybe the Indian Wendigo, it may be something else entirely, but this is one of the things I adore about this film. There's something almost Lovecraftian about its depiction of the Sematary and of the Wendigo, two forces that exist and are observable, yet defy explanation or comprehension; a place in the woods where the dirt can raise the dead, where the boundaries between the mortal world and whatever exists after it are broken. In this context, the Wendigo embodies corruption; as its power is wielded by good men who are too driven by love to comprehend the evil of their actions, unaware that they are playing into the hands of a force that is invisibly pulling the strings and feeding on their love, figuratively and literally.

But I was trying to make a point that the film might be a bit too ambiguous, which might be a problem if you like things to make sense and have clear explanations, two qualities this films doesn't have. But while I've had problems with films not explaining things in the past, in this instance, I'm just having fun with its morbid and depressing character studies and getting engrossed in the fascinating and terrifying ideas this film dabbles in. The problem however is that this isn't really a crowd-pleasing horror film, this isn't in the same vein as a lot of other horror films coming out today, it's a little weird, and ignores many conventions of the genre. For example, while the film does have jumpscares, they're used very sparingly, and come from the Sinister or IT school of thought, accompanying them with disturbing imagery. There are also multiple scenes that look like they're building to a jumpscare, and yet the scare never comes, which I appreciate because I like a film that builds its horror and atmosphere, and Pet Sematary does that expertly. It's more creepy than it is scary, there are tense scenes that get the heart racing, and there's the odd jumpscare, but Pet Sematary's horror is the kind of horror that burrows its way into your head and stays there, it's eldritch and provocative rather than creepy for the sake of creepy. For that reason though, I can see why the film may be boring to a lot of people, because it's a film that takes its time in winding up the tension and horror, slowly peeling back the veneer of its happy, quaint setting and revealing the horror beneath, a horror that exists all around us all the time, one that it forces us to stop ignoring. All of this leads to a very bleak conclusion, one I won't spoil, but it too is something that might turn people off, like the film being very slow and deliberate, and people finding that boring, the ending might be a bit too depressing for some people, the kind of people who've never watched The Mist and have no idea what a depressing ending really is.

Sometimes, Dead Is Better

As I've said, Pet Sematary is not your average, mass appeal horror film, it doesn't go nuts with many of the genre's trappings, which, while a turn off to many, makes it a film that I really liked. Pet Sematary is a film that takes its time in establishing its characters and building its horror, presenting a couple of gripping character studies that all end up at the Sematary, a place that is as fascinating as it is unsettling, playing with a horror that relies more on the unseen than the seen, an unknowable evil who's presence lingers from the film's opening all the way up to its chilling final shot. It's not a film that everyone will enjoy, but it is one that I enjoyed, and I'd say Pet Sematary is worth watching.

Shazam! movie review

 Here's what you need to know; after spending most of his life moving from one foster family to the next, Billy Baston has still not given up in his search for his real family. But things in his life are about to take a turn when he encounters an ancient wizard who grants him god-like powers, he need only speak the wizard's name, Shazam. But while Billy is getting up to mischief with his new found superpowers, evils far older and more dangerous than any wizard have found a champion of their own, putting Billy, his new family, and the rest of humanity on the brink of an apocalypse straight out of the Old Testament.
So whatever this DC universe is called now didn't have the best of starts, as everyone and their dog knows. Suicide Squad, Man of Steel and Justice League are all films I personally enjoyed, but there is a mediocrity to at least two of them I even I can't ignore. Then something odd happened, Aquaman came out and became an enormous success, becoming the highest grossing DC film in history, and just a few months later, we have Shazam!, another goofy film based on an obscure DC hero, and while its chances of reaching Aquaman's heights are slim, it too is doing moderately well in the foreign and domestic markets. To that end, I've played my part by watching it three times, and none of those times were in IMAX, which I regret because I now know that in addition to five minutes of Godzilla: King of the Monsters, I'd have actually watched a good film.

For a film with as goofy a premise as Shazam!, it's not even a little afraid to hit some seriously morbid lows, case in point; the film's prologue, where we see the origins of our villain, is surprisingly horrific for the film Shazam! was marketed as. It is a little goofy though because of the borderline cartoonish nature of the villain's dad and brother, but it does open a door to the prospect of the butterfly effect in a way; how small things can escalate and domino into life altering events that can completely change a person's moral character, ie, can turn a normal, whiny kid into a super-villain. Then the film becomes what the marketing sold it as, a goofy, light hearted film about a fourteen-year-old runaway as he outsmarts a police patrol to access their database. But of course, this scene exists to establish Billy Batson's character; and he's a pretty solid main character. The conflict he faces is his life in foster care, as we learn that he got lost in a carnival and never saw his mum again, and has spent the rest of his childhood looking for her. Into this conflict comes his new foster family, a group home run by Jerry from The Walking Dead, making him perfectly qualified as the silly old man trying to give these children the closest thing to a normal childhood that he can manage. Getting back to Billy though, one of the strongest themes of this film is family; and this is embodied through Billy, as his story in this film is about him finding his family, in a literal and figurative sense. But like I said earlier, this film isn't afraid to go to some seriously dark places, and without spoiling exactly what Billy finds at the end of his quest, it's some seriously depressing shit, shit no kid deserves to hear. And while this comes towards the end of the film, the build up to it, as Billy reluctantly begins to assimilate into this foster family, is really sweet and charming, as is his ark from a stubborn, single-minded loner to a loving and responsible brother.

But that's just Billy as a fourteen-year-old, after his run in with the wizard, he becomes Shazam, and there are things about Shazam that I really like, and some things I'm conflicted about. Something I like is how convincing he is as a kid, and not simply because he flosses, which gives me Black Panther flashbacks for some reason. At least this is a tad more relevant than the What Are Those joke from Black Panther, that doesn't really change how this joke will exclusively appeal to Fortnite droolers, while giving normal people back ache from all the cringe. Let's not dwell on a shitty joke though, Shazam acts like a kid, which could have tanked this entire film had it been done badly, had every joke been on the level of him flossing, but it's not just in the jokes. Despite being a superhero with god powers, in his first encounter with the film's villain, he runs away, he pleads and grovels, his initial childish arrogance being dashed almost immediately, making for one of the film's most entertaining scenes, but also one of its most compelling scenes as the reality of his situation dawns on him. Adding to that is the villain himself, who I like a fair bit, he is a menacing dude with an eye for style, dressing as super-villainy as is humanly possible, even rocking a face scar, which would probably cost this film BFI funding, but who cares, fuck the BFI, and the BBFC while we're at it. I also like the slightly sympathetic nature of this villain, as we are shown in the film's prologue the moment in his life that he became this monster, making his revenge morbidly satisfying, while also impressively grotesque. Before we get to that grotesque-ness though, we need to talk about side characters, specifically Freddie, who steals the show among the foster kids Billy falls in with. Freddie is a fast talking, obsessive nerd with very little self-control, I can relate to that, but like this film's handling of themes like family, there's a nuance to Freddie that I genuinely admire.

Naturally, Freddie becomes a sort of sidekick to Billy, being the superhero expert and all, but there's a conflict that develops between the two that could have been really awkward, but there was a sincerity to it that I can't really explain. Freddie has his own insecurities that Billy's Shazam powers exacerbate in heart-breaking fashion, making the eventual payoff of this conflict so unbelievably awesome, I had a big, dumb grin on my face over this pay off, as well as everything else in the film's finale. The rest of the kids take more of a back seat until the film's finale, though each is characterised by their own quirks and charms; Mary, the eldest, is conflicted about leaving her family and going to college, Eugene is an avid gamer, and Darla is the sweet, adorable, somewhat overly affectionate little sister. Like everything else in the film, there is a sincerity to this bizarre collection of misfits and outcasts, when it could so easily have been played solely for laughs. Things heat up for all of these characters in the film's finale as Shazam takes on the villain and his demonic puppet masters in a Christmas Carnival, a very poetic setting for reasons I can't spoil. The film throws in a game changing twist towards the end that I really enjoyed, one that brought many of the film's themes full-circle in a very satisfying and amusing way. Which brings us rather neatly into the film's action, of which there is surprisingly little. For most of the film, Billy uses his Shazam powers the way most fourteen year old boys would, but in ways that overbearing parents would loathe and find abhorrent, things like drinking beer, getting out of school and going to strip clubs, it isn't until he gets his arse completely kicked that the superhero in him really starts to come out. Fast forward to the film's finale and we have some pretty damn entertaining action, with Shazam and the Sins throwing each other around and kicking the piss out of each other.

This doesn't quite compare to Aquaman in terms of exciting action, but then again, how on Earth could it, because Aquaman was fucking nuts, and this film is, as I said earlier, surprisingly light on action. But the film never got boring because none of it felt like it was dragging, nothing felt overly drawn out or out of place, the film had a very nice balance of comedy and family drama that kept things moving at a steady and consistent pace. I'd say that this film is even more consistently entertaining than Aquaman, which I felt took a bit to really get going, but while Aquaman was Avatar meets Uncharted meets Star Wars, Shazam! has more in common with Venom, as strange a comparison as that is. And that isn't just in its approach to storytelling and comedy, it's chiefly in its approach to horror. Not going to lie, for a film about a kid with superpowers who has a suit as silly and crap as that, for him to go up against monsters straight out of Ghostbusters is a strange juxtaposition, but one that really works for me because like Aquaman and James Wan, David Sandberg's talents lie in the horror genre, and that bleeds into Shazam! through some genuinely creepy scenes and truly nightmarish monsters. My biggest complaint; you've probably already guessed it, it's the lack of blood, just like Venom, there's a scene where a guy gets his head bitten off, but it's framed in such a way that it obscures the lack of a head as the corpse is thrown out of frame, and for the rest of that scene, these demons are killing a bunch of people in a tiny room, and yet there is no blood. Come the fuck on; these demons are enough to give a kid nightmares on their own, add onto that the dramatic undertones of the film, which have a habit of being utterly heart-breaking, and you already have a film that will emotionally effect your average kid in a myriad of ways, but as scary as the demons are, the lack of blood makes them look toothless, it's such a clean film and like all clean films, there is no need, especially in this case, with the prominent horror undertones and the extensive collection of very adult oriented jokes and themes.


Say My Name So My Powers Will Become Yours
Shazam! was a film that I was expecting to enjoy, but I wasn't all that excited to see it, having watched it though, I'm left conflicted as to whether Aquaman is still my favourite DC film, or if this has taken its place. This is another one of those films that's just incredibly sweet and wholesome, with an emotionally gripping family element and some adorable and hilarious characters. But what gives this film weight is its horror, and I'm not just talking about the demons, this isn't an easy to watch superhero film that won't challenge its audience or pacify them with jokes and action, it gets its hands dirty, it digs deep and explores some of the most depressing themes that this series has seen up until now, and that aspect of the film is brilliant. Shazam! has far more substance than I expected it to have, and its finale is some of the most fun I've had with a film this year. Shazam! is fantastic and it's definitely worth watching.

Alita: Battle Angel vs. The Mary Sue

For a bit of context, on the opening weekend of Captain Marvel, there was the #Alitachallenge, the objective of which was obvious; to boycott Captain Marvel and support Alita: Battle Angel instead. Unfortunately but somewhat inevitably, while Alita: Battle Angel did see a slight uptick, the Marvel movie dominated the box office, what a surprise, and the #Alitachallenge failed. But as I said in my previous post, while Alita: Battle Angel fell far behind Captain Boring at the box office, it has attracted a passionate fanbase consisting of people who feel that it deserves more love than it gets, as well as people who feel that it deserves more love than Captain Boring, needless to say, as a fan of Alita: Battle Angel and an enemy of Social Justice, I count myself among this passionate group. Alita: Battle Angel does however present a thorn in the side of Captain Marvel, it being a film with a female lead that came out a month ahead of Captain Marvel and didn't receive any sexist backlash, while Captain Marvel apparently did. This is quite the conundrum for defenders of Captain Marvel as a female led film was in cinemas at the same time as Captain Marvel, yet didn't steal any of the sexist manbabys' ire, blowing a hole in the notion that female led movies are unpopular because of sexism long before Captain Marvel hit the billion mark.

Now, to any normal person, the answer to this conundrum is quite obvious; Captain Marvel just wasn't very good, but had feminists and social justice advocates scrambling to defend it because they'd chosen it as a bastion of their ideology, and had gone on the offensive against anyone who challenged that, dismissing them as misogynists because it's easier and more convenient than arguing back and getting their zealotry crushed. But not only do they have to mentally navigate around the existence of the Alien series, the Underworld series, the Resident Evil series, the Hunger Games series, the Tomb Raider series, Terminator one and two, and DC's female led heavy hitter; Wonder Woman, they now have to navigate around the existence of a female led action film that came in the current year, one that was still in theatres while Captain Marvel fought off the so-called misogynists, the mental gymnastics on that must be very taxing. Elsewhere on the web, we find ourselves on the Mary Sue, which, behind Rotten Tomatoes and maybe The Guardian, is one of my favourite punching bags because it's a feminist rag, a wretched hive of scum and villainy, staffed almost entirely by the very mental gymnasts that we're looking for. Somewhat recently, the Mary Sue published an article by one Chelsea Steiner titled; "How Alita: Battle Angel Found an Unlikely Fanbase in MRA Trolls," and when my favourite rag goes after my current favourite film of 2019 or anything else that I love, you know that I'm going to get involved, heaven help them if they start talking shit about Godzilla.
https://www.themarysue.com/alita-battle-angel-fanbase-mra-trolls/

Our article starts off with some serious fire, talking about 'internet trolls' as though they were demons or something; they hate women running for office, not sure how that's relevant, but ok. They hate non-white people in Star Wars, because apparently there was a widespread racist backlash against Mace Windu and Lando Calrissian, oh wait, no there wasn't. I'm assuming that our author is referring to John Boyega and Kelly Marie Tran here, and in typical fashion, they are boiling the issue down to racism, because Rose Tico was awesome, totally, everyone loved her and she made a valuable contribution to the film, and she totally didn't make everything awkward by stopping Finn from Martyring himself because she fancies him. I'm not going to say that Tran and even Boyega haven't had some shit sent their way, that's the internet for you, but as usual, you're oversimplifying and generalising the problem and in doing so, ignoring the real issue. Tico wasn't a good character, her contribution to the story wasn't productive, in fact, it was one of the things that held the film back, and I'm saying that as someone who liked it. Like progressives like yourself usually do though, you're deliberately ignoring the real issue that people have because it's easier and more convenient to just call them racists. No longwinded explanation is needed for the next bit however, "and oh boy do they hate female superheroes." *cough* Wonder Woman *cough*.

Our author is right about The Mary Sue being experts however, you are very versed in spinning, misrepresenting and lying to spread your narrative, case in point, your articles are "inundated with angry comments, tweets and hate mail for angry anonymous dudes who are furious because WOMEN." I think you misspelled Wamen there, luv, it has an A in it, but do you see my point; spin, misrepresentation and lies, the Mary Sue isn't constantly under attack from angry dudes, but saying that it is is a great way to belittle and undermine the people calling you out on your shit, but that's just feminism for you, something something misogyny harassment something. But then we see something that, in this article, is unusually strong, we get some fire from our author, we get insults; likening the backlash against Captain Boring to a herpes outbreak and calling it "impotent male rage" from "men in basements", and that's all in one sentence. Remind me again author, who has the problem with who, is it men who have a problem with women, or do you have a problem with men, or, more likely, people who disagree with you, people who you will then liken to herpes and insult them as basement dwelling, impotent ragers. But returning to the story, a lot of people had a problem with Captain Boring, and unfortunately, a large part of that problem was her outspoken feminism, because feminism is cancer. And as for her "impassioned call for diversity in film journalism," you mean her belittling of white male critics because their opinions don't matter, as I said, spin and misrepresentation, Brie Larson is a bigot, and the likes of the Mary Sue will talk around that truth until the end of their days because they're all bigots too, they're just the right kind of bigot.

What our author doesn't seem to realise in her next point however is when she says it's "egg-profiled babymen with 11 followers" attacking people who liked Captain Marvel, she has successfully identified the trolls; tiny anonymous accounts that exist solely to insult and argue with people, but I actually think she does realise that and is lumping genuine criticism of Captain Marvel's feminism and Brie Larson's bigotry in with them because it's easier to dismiss it then, like a couple of morons with egg accounts on twitter represent the entirely of people critical of Captain Boring, who, as we all know, is basically Jesus. She also lumps MRA's into this camp, now, MRA, for the uninitiated, stands for Men's Rights Activist, and depending on who you ask, they're either a counter-movement to the rising influence of modern feminism, or terrorists, feminists are reasonable like that. Them being a counter-movement to feminism, is it any wonder that feminists loath them, because they stand against everything that feminism is, and as such, have become a sort of bogeyman within feminism, a strawman of the neck breaded, fedora tipping misogynist who stalks in the dark corners of message boards and comments sections, a creature whose only source of joy in the world is tearing down women. At this point, you may be wondering how such a group is relevant to Alita: Battle Angel, I'm rather curious myself, actually, but like another movement you've probably heard of; Gamergate, Feminists and Progressives have a hard time letting go of their demons, especially when they are demons of their own making.

Our author then turns her attention to Alita: Battle Angel, because apparently one Jack Posobiec is the mind behind the #Alitachallenge, and he's an alt-right troll. Now, I've never heard of this guy, so I'm going to be taking a believe it when I see it attitude as to whether or not he's an alt-right troll, but he's not all that important here. What's important is the #Alitachallenge, and it's almost like our author takes joy in rubbing it in that it failed, seemingly ignorant of the myriad of factors involved in said failure. Chief among them being that Alita: Battle Angel is a new, unproven franchise based on a manga, one that was also in its fourth week, whereas Captain Boring is the latest in the very well established MCU and came out only a few weeks ahead of Avengers: Endgame, one of the most anticipated films in history. I find our author's theories as to why Alita became the anti-Captain Marvel interesting though, mainly the one about James Cameron and Robert Rodriguez, who produced and directed the film, respectively, being fanboy patron saints, which I assume is our author trying to subtly dismiss one of the holes in her worldview, that annoying little film from the 80's; Aliens. And as for her other theory that it's because Fox isn't owned by Disney, what utter nonsense. Keep in mind, A; that Fox has made plenty of films over the years that pissed off fanboys, just look at their Marvel films, and B; Star Wars was going great until The Last Jedi, and Marvel was going great until Captain Marvel, these supposed misogynistic and racist backlashes are very recent occurrences, and they have happened because of, as you said earlier, things like Captain Marvel's outspoken feminism, as well as the host of things that were wrong with The Last Jedi.

But of course, our author has an issue with Alita: Battle Angel, throwing in everyone's favourite non-point, that the character features "several problematic tropes," like the so-called 'born sexy yesterday trope,' which sounds like nonsense, but is in fact the feminist notion of an "innocent childlike [woman] who also [possesses] massive power but can't find their way without a man." Like most feminist film tropes, that probably went over your head, and to be honest, it went over mine, I took media studies in High School too. I think what our author is trying to say though is that Alita's character is partially defined by the actions of Ido and Hugo, and that this is problematic because she needs a man to help her, and women don't need no men. Yeah, because characters who don't ever need help or guidance are gripping to watch *couch* Captain Boring *cough*. My understanding of this trope is that female heroes who can't do everything themselves are problematic, which sounds about right, because all women are without fault and certainly don't need a man's help, as any feminist will claim with demented zeal. Like all feminist tropes however, I doubt any normie would give a damn, they would probably think that the relationship between Alita and Ido is cute, because it is, and they'd probably find Alita's pining for Hugo cute too, because it is, Alita seeing a pretty boy and falling in love is cute, who cares if it upsets the fragile sensibilities of feminism.

Oh but we're just getting started, think criticising Alita for being a "problematic trope" is peak feminism? think again. Because apparently Alita also "taps into the male fantasy of a submissive girl robot devoted to her man." What? Is that a male fantasy, having a girl robot? "Slavish devotion to Hugo" too, she's a slave now as well as a fantasy fulfilling robot. Our author goes on to give a bunch of examples of this "sexbot character" like the replicants from Blade Runner, which is a can of worms I can't be arsed to open again, and Austin Powers, a comedy that takes the piss out of James Bond, because apparently feminists are too busy finding things problematic to find "machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those, baby" funny. She also mentions the existence of such bots in films also being men sometimes, a point that kind of ruins her own point that this is entirely a male fantasy, but what can you do. I'll tell you what I can do, argue against this notion. Let's just address the word robot first, because yes, sexbots exist now, in a world where about one third of men between twenty and thirty aren't having sex, modern problems require modern solutions, I guess. But as for the notion that men like submissive women, I'm not going to deny that, I can imagine that plenty of them do, but what makes you think that this is entirely a male fantasy. Need I remind you, dear author, that Fifty Shades of Grey is a best-selling book series, and that the film trilogy based on it grossed over a billion dollars at the box office, and I don't think that was the work of men; boyfriends and husbands under duress, maybe, but not men in general. Maybe being submissive is a popular fantasy for women too, did you ever think of that. And none of that matters anyway because Alita isn't a sexbot, what a belittling thing to say, the female hero of this action film that people love is just a toy for male pleasure, sounds to me like someone's a little insecure, and possibly projecting their insecurities just a little, what's the matter, jealous?

But Alita isn't a sexbot, and I would be glad that our author can see that, but not because of how absurd and belittling it sounds, but because apparently, she's something worse; "She is a lovebot." I say again, What? For starters, she scene where she offers Hugo her heart is not early on in the film, but that's not important, what is is that you think that her love for Hugo is unearned, and that this somehow belittles Alita as a character, reduces her to a "lovebot" which is somehow worse than a sexbot. I'm very curious as to why you think this is worse, never mind that it's nonsense anyway. I mean, I can at least see why a feminist such as yourself would have an issue with sexbots, because of the whole sexual objectification thing and men not seeing women as anything more than objects for their pleasure, not that it's true, but I can understand that, but a lovebot? what's wrong with a man wanting to be loved, and what's wrong with a woman being unshakably in love with a man, or do you think that a woman who gives herself to a man in this way is objectifying herself against her own wishes and best interests, because, again, Fifty Shades. But how is Alita loving Hugo problematic, does it tap into some male fantasy about being loved by women, because that would be evil, how dare men for wanting to be loved, those pigs.

We are nearing the end of this article, you may be happy to know, but we're not out of the woods yet. Our author then deploys another feminist trope I've never heard of, the "girls with guns" trope, which is when a female character being violent is confused with her having agency. Ok then, let's go for the home run on this one; because do you know who's a character that suffers from this "girls with guns" trope? Captain Marvel. Oh yes, we're going there, Carol Danvers is a character who never makes a choice of her own, she gets told what to do by the Kree before going rogue, after being told to do so by a Skrull, she has to be told that she is powerful, and in the film's finale, she uses violence as an out because she's too scared to stand up to her former mentor and friend. Carol Danvers doesn't have agency, she's just a violent character that's always getting told what to do, which doesn't sound very feminist to me, in fact, it sounds rather problematic, good luck unpacking that one. And how cute that you could use this issue of tropes to just hand Alita off to the trolls, after all, by your own words, entitled fanboys love female empowerment, but you have to spin that into being a negative because so-called MRA trolls are literally evil and they infect everything they touch with their misogyny. So much for female empowerment being good, no, it's only good when you approve of it. Alita: Battle Angel has gathered a following of devoted fans, fans that hate women, but also love female empowerment and desire for women to love them, yeah, makes perfect sense.


The Wrong Kind of Woman
I think the problem isn't that these fans hate women, it's that they hate feminism, which, to a feminist, might as well mean the same thing because they're all idiots. And like a disease, these evil, vile, repulsive MRA trolls infect everything they touch, like Herpes, am I right, author? So it doesn't matter how much of a badass Alita is, or how empowered she is, feminists and progressives will jump through as many hoops as it takes to justify ignoring the relevance of Alita: Battle Angel in this culture war, a war that Alita: Battle Angel has no part in outside of what it's come to represent in the shadow of Captain Marvel. And this also proves, again, that feminists don't really care about women in film or female empowerment; if they did, they'd be celebrating Alita as a hero for women, but they don't want that, they want a film that'll pat them on the back, that'll tell them they're right, and Captain Marvel is that film, so here we are. Because people like you, author, may think that you know what female empowerment is, but you don't; female empowerment isn't a hero who can't fail, who never feels pain and is absolutely morally righteous, it's a hero doing the right thing, no matter how much it costs, no matter how much it hurts. It doesn't matter how hard she can punch or if she can fly, what matters is what beats inside her chest, and Alita's heart is literally powerful enough to power a city. But by all means, surrender more ground to your mortal enemy, give them more ammunition to fight you with, I'm sure it's worth it to not taint yourself with their misogynistic adoration of a female action hero.

Alita and Captain Marvel: Who is Best Girl?

In this dark, confusing time in film history, we are often faced with a trying question, one to which no one truly knows the answer. In an age of agendas crawling their way into films like they never have before, that question must once again be asked... Who is best girl? Now, obviously this question isn't quite that serious, forgive my jovial hyperbole, but in the past few months, Alita: Battle Angel released in cinemas and grossed an admirable $400 million worldwide, the film has also gathered quite the following, of which I am very much a member. My local Odeon did another charity giveaway a few week back and I snagged their giant Alita: Battle Angel posters without hesitation, I've since bought the first two volumes of the Deluxe Edition Manga, which I've yet to read because I'm not much of a reader. But then there was Captain Marvel, a film that was propelled past the billion mark in a landmark demolition of the Get Woke Go Broke phenomenon, never mind that it was released in a quiet release window, only a few weeks before Avengers: Endgame, one of the most highly anticipated films in history, and was part of a franchise for which its name is enough of a selling point to some, and despite hitting $1 billion worldwide, is still a full $40 million behind Wonder Woman at the domestic box office, a detail that I'm sure a lot of people would rather ignore. There is one thing that a lot of people, normie or not, agree on though, Captain Marvel wasn't very good; Brie Larson isn't a good hero, the film is sloppily put together, and of course, it's overly and distractingly woke. You already know which film I think is better, but since Captain Marvel has become this glass ceiling-shattering monument to female empowerment, there are some real juicy questions that need asking about just how special and amazing Ms Danvers is, and whether or not a CGI piece of metal with doll eyes is the better character, let's go.

Carol Danvers and Alita are two very similar characters in a lot of ways; they're both crazy powerful super-soldiers with no memory of their previous lives who go on a journey of self-discovery, while also learning the difference between right and wrong and finding out which side they're on. The differences start immediately however as we enter Carol Danvers' story half a decade into her new life as a Kree warrior. Our first time seeing this character is her having an ominous dream before going to her mentor and asking for a sparring session. This is a completely functional introduction to a character; she has a dream, informing us that she has a mysterious and hidden past, before going to her mentor for a fight, establishing her relationship with her mentor as well as a potential ark of learning to be a stronger warrior. Where it falls apart though is in how Carol Danvers acts; talking to Jude Law with a dull, deadpan delivery, the snark helps, but snark is also dependent on delivery, and in this case, the delivery isn't good. From this scene, we see that Carol Danvers has no personality; she isn't curious about the world, she isn't sceptical of the Kree, she's being snarky but it falls flat thanks to the delivery, and she has no chemistry with Jude Law, the person she admires and respects the most, unless you count secret Kree scientist lady. This couldn't be further from how we are introduced to Alita in Alita: Battle Angel. Like Danvers, Alita dreams, but we don't see the dream, we just get her waking up. There's also the scene in Captain Marvel where she wakes up, but again, the two scenes couldn't be further apart. Danvers crawls out of bed and stares out of the window with her usual blank face, whereas Alita yawns, an inconsequential element of the scene, but one that is very human.

Then Alita realises that she's in a new body, and again, we get a very human scene as she checks out her new body with childish curiosity, where she waves her new fingers around and looks at herself in the mirror. In this scene, we get her standing up and immediately falling over, which could be seen as a gag, but the fact that it takes her a second to remember how to walk, like the yawn, cannot be understated in establishing her as a character; she's a human, she's imperfect and clumsy, she has room to grow and learn, these are all things that Captain Marvel lacks. Both characters don't remember their pasts, with Danvers being a Pegasus test pilot before being taken by the Kree, and Alita being an URM Berserker, a three hundred year old indestructible cyborg ninja, but how the two characters deal with their amnesia is very different, and one is far more effective than the other. With Danvers, we get one line; "I don't remember my past," once again delivered with all the sincerity of a robot. Alita meanwhile is mostly robot, but when she doesn't remember her past, she takes it hard; we get an entire scene of her realising that she doesn't know who she is. In this scene, she exhibits a host of qualities, naivety, innocence, and most importantly, sadness; when she realises that she doesn't remember her name, she starts crying, this is a genuinely sad moment for both her and the audience as she is lacking one of the most fundamental parts of a person's identity, their name. And this is contrasted in the very same scene with her taking a bite out of an orange and being disgusted at the taste, before eating some without the skin and loving it, two funny and adorable things that make her look really cute.

So let's run through this; with Danvers, we get a single line of her acknowledging her amnesia, with Alita, we get an entire scene of her showing vulnerability and pain as well as being absolutely adorable, one of these scenes clearly has a much more poignant effect than the other, as well as showing something that the other doesn't, that being that the character has weaknesses. This is where Alita really has the upper hand in every regard; we find Alita on literally her first day, when she is seeing and tasting all of these amazing things for the first time, we get to see her filled with childish wonder and joy when she steps outside and sees Iron City, when she asks Ido if Zalem is held up by magic and if they can go there. That never happens with Danvers however as we find her years into her new life, after the potential wonders of the Kree world have become mundane to her, and when she lands on Earth and she sees all of these things that she doesn't remember, she never reacts with any of the curiosity and excitement of Alita, she just looks bored of the place as soon as she lands. Compounding this is the effect the settings have on the audience; Iron City is a setting we're about as familiar with as Alita, like her, we're seeing it for the first time, whereas mid-90's America is a much more familiar and mundane setting, even with all of the nostalgic Easter eggs and throwbacks.

It's a widely held belief at this point that Danvers is a boring character; her appearance is bland, her quips are deadpan and none of her emotional expressions feel even remotely genuine, and that's down both to how the character is written and how they are portrayed. Alita is at a disadvantage here as she is a completely computer generated character, her expressions need to look genuine or else they'll look creepy. Despite having an extra hurdle to overcome, Rose Salazar does far, far more with the character of Alita than Brie Larson does with Danvers. Alita is a very emotional character, throughout the film she feels and expresses a wide range of emotions; anger, happiness, love, disgust, wonder, sadness and fear, and all these emotions are felt through the character and through the actress. On the other hand, there is one scene where Danvers shows any kind of sadness or vulnerability, she also laughs every now and again, and as with everything else about the character, these displays feel unnatural and forced. Chemistry is another really big part of this puzzle, and the only semblance of chemistry Danvers has is with Nick Dury, which I said in my review is far more the result of Samuel L. Jackson being awesome than it is any quality of Brie Larson's. The sad part here is that the film's latter half leans heavily on the chemistry that Danvers has with her pilot friend, but there isn't any, and I'd say that's because of Brie Larson's compete lack of charm doesn't convey that the character is engaged in the world or story, and this effects how engaged the audience is as a result, in other words, if the character looks bored, the audience will also be bored.

Alita doesn't have this problem, partly because Rosa Salazer portrays the character with a lot more energy, but also because Alita has two things that Danvers does not; a father and a boyfriend. I'm sure that'll get under the skin of any feminist reading this, but a character is defined by more than just themselves, they are defined by the people that make them, literally in Alita's case. Alita having a father figure is very important in growing and defining her character; but she is just as important in defining him. Ido is not perfect; he is a father who could never escape the guilt of losing his daughter, we see this when he tells Alita the story of why he became a hunter-warrior. Ido feels responsible for his daughter's death, and as he says in the story, maybe he wanted his daughter's killer to kill him too, ending his guilt. He became a hunter-warrior in a quest to make right the things he feels responsible for, only taking the money to keep his clinic open. Then he finds Alita and sees a second chance, a way to forgive himself for his daughter's death and get back the love that he lost, he even gives her his daughter's name; Alita, hoping that she can fill the hole in his heart. Danvers meanwhile has nothing even vaguely comparable to this in her life; Jude Law is possibly the closest parallel, and he's a cartoon patriarch dickbag, an emotionally cold warrior who keeps Danvers in chains, figuratively speaking. He has no emotional attachment to Danvers, and when he turns on her in the film's latter half, he isn't conflicted at all, just as Danvers isn't conflicted about going turncoat, a point we'll get back to. Alita also has a romantic interest; Hugo, which is something Danvers also doesn't have, probably because she don't need no man.

Her romance with Hugo is one of the film's weaker aspects in all fairness, as the love is seemingly only one way for most of the film, but while I never believed that Hugo loved Alita, I very much believed that Alita loved Hugo, and that was because of the scenes where Alita was at her most vulnerable; when Hugo is dying in the church, and on the factory pipe at the end, when she has to say goodbye. These scenes suck, not because they fail, but because they succeed, Alita is so likable and so well realised as a character that the audience empathises with her pain. But while Alita: Battle Angel does feature several scenes where our strong female hero breaks down and cries, Captain Marvel does not, a combination of the script not allowing it and Brie Larson's performance being too inflexible for it. Alita is a character that you can love, she has a warrior's spirit, but despite literally being a machine, she's not a machine, she's a person who loves and laughs and cries, far more so than Danvers, for whom smiling is a tall order. Danvers and Alita having amnesia is another similarity, only the situations are reversed; Danvers is a soulless soldier remembering her humanity, and Alita is a human remembering that she's a soulless soldier. This may seem like an insignificant difference, but for a couple of reasons, it really isn't.

For starters, Alita being presented to us as an adorable, innocent character leaves a far, far greater impact on the audience than seeing the reverse would, take Danvers for example, who is little more than a Kree drone at the start of the film, she's a boring character right out of the gate, unlike Alita, who is lovable and adorable out of the gate. There's also the paradox of Danvers not being able to control her emotions, because what emotions does she have? her wide range of emotions consists of pissed off and smug, and that's it, yet she's told to control her emotions by Jude Law, implying that she can't and that it's holding her back, which is negated by both Brie Larson's performance and the shocking and mind bending reveal that Danvers was powerful all along. It also doesn't help that she goes turncoat as quickly and without conflict as she does; you'd think that someone finding out that their entire worldview was wrong and that they've been on the wrong side of an unjust war for half a decade would come as a shock, would throw them into a bit of crisis, but not Danvers. Danvers has no trouble whatsoever killing her former friends and squad-mates and siding with a guy who she's been indoctrinated into hating and fearing for six years, which completely undermines any emotional impact such a seismic shift in a character should have, as if it doesn't even matter. Both characters are also physically invulnerable, but for different reasons; Alita is because she's the recovered core of a highly trained, indestructible cyborg super soldier, meanwhile Captain Marvel never really gives us a reason why. She can fly, she can shoot fire from her hands, she can breathe in space, and she can cut clean through the length of a Kree warship and tear it apart without even a scratch.

At this point, you might be thinking that this sounds like another MCU hero; Thor, minus the fire hands, but like I said in my review of the film, Thor isn't a great character because he's invincible, he's great because he has become a stronger character; over the course of the Infinity saga, Thor went from an arrogant, entitled idiot to a selfless, heroic figure, he was born a god, but became a hero through his story, so when he's flying around in Infinity War, ripping shit into those space monkey bug dropships, it's awesome because we know the journey he's been on to get to that point, Danvers has no such journey, she doesn't have to humble herself or overcome a great challenge, she doesn't have to learn the whole great power, great responsibility thing because she's already a good person, she already understands the responsibility because she was born a hero. And that leads us to elephant in the room, the politics of the two characters, or rather, the politics of one and the aplotics of the other. I made my stance on Captain Marvel's political themes clear in my review, but for a refresher, the film hinges on the notion that Danvers and, by extension, women, are already special and powerful and amazing and that the world is holding them back, either because they don't believe in her, or because they fear what she can do without them holding her down. This is presented through A; Danvers' not needing to learn how her powers work, B; not needing to learn how to be responsible with her powers, C; being a hero before getting her powers and D; standing up to the patriarchy, literally. The Patriarchy in the film being encapsulated by Jude Law's character, who keeps her under control with a chip in her neck and prevents her from reaching her full potential.

But like I said in my review, Danvers' refusal to fight Jude Law on his terms in the finale, while played for laughs and a kind of 'fuck you' moment, proves his point that she hasn't become a stronger character over the course of the film. In the flashbacks, we see how the patriarchy has told her that she isn't good enough; her dad telling her that go carting isn't for girls, being told that they'll never let her fly, and the worst one; that incredibly stereotypical dude bro arsehole joking about why they call it the cockpit. In these flashbacks, we see her get knocked down and then getting back up, which, sure, it shows that she's at least strong willed, but the fact that we never see her grab the rope or win the race is indicative of the hole in her character, these are challenges that she could have overcome to become a better, stronger person, but as far as we know, she never did, because apparently being strong willed is all it takes to be a hero, you can be completely useless at any given task but still be a hero because you believe it. Of course though, she isn't useless; she punches a Kree warship to death, something she never needed to learn to do, with a power she never needed to learn to control, one she got by accident by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Like I said in my review, the hole in her character is that she has no room in this film to grow; there is no challenge for her to overcome, either moral or Kree related, because she's already strong enough to overcome them with ease, and like playing a video game on god mode, where's the fun in not being able to lose, the same rule applies with film, if there is no threat, there is no reason to get invested in the conflict, and there is no threat to Danvers in Captain Marvel because she's the strongest being in the universe, maybe even stronger than Thanos, who made all of reality his bitch in Infinity War.

The core of this theme is, of course, that women are strong, but the devil is in the details. Despite supposedly being a strong character, Danvers' heroism comes entirely from the fact that she is crazy powerful, there is no emotional weakness, there is no weakness of any sort, Danvers is already the pinnacle of what she can be, and was born that way because she's perfect. This isn't a very good message for the kids, at least in my opinion. Telling them that they can believe in themselves is certainly a good thing, it'll get them somewhere if they have the confidence in themselves to take risks, to do brave and powerful things, but there's only so far that'll take you before you need some practical skills, unless firefighters save people from burning buildings using only their immense will power. Captain Marvel's message hinges on the notion that Danvers is strong, but she isn't; she's a morally righteous god who never learns from her mistakes because she never makes mistakes, she never learns from her failures because she never fails, she doesn't become strong through hardship, she just is strong because she was written without flaws. Real people on the other hand do have flaws, but if we're going on the idea that Captain Marvel is trying to deliver a positive, empowering message, it fails to do so because real people must empower themselves, overcome their own challenges and become better people, real people aren't gifted the sort of empowerment Captain Marvel is preaching, nor are they entitled to it. And in contrast to all of that, Alita has nothing, Alita has no deeper message about empowerment or being special, and that makes Alita an infinitely stronger character in a myriad of ways.

Now, you're probably wondering how on Earth I could come to that conclusion, but then again, you're probably not surprised, after all, I've been kissing Alita: Battle Angel's arse for the past couple of months, but the primary reason for my conclusion here is that Alita doesn't need to be propped up by a narrative or by a message, Alita doesn't exist as a vessel to spread a message, she exists as a character first and foremost, and must therefore stand on her merits rather than on some corrosive political principal. This gives Alita the freedom to have weaknesses, as bizarre as that statement is, but even more important than that, Alita does something that Danvers is never allowed to do; she loses. In her fight against Grewishka, him and Alita exchange a many a good hit; Alita manages to damage his arm and bury him under rubble, but Grewishka seemingly wins the fight when his grind cutters tear Alita to pieces, reducing her to an upper torso and an arm. This is, from a physical standpoint, the weakest we see Alita in the entire film, as she tries and fails to crawl away, but this scene demonstrates, better than any other, that Alita is a strong character. She has lost, Grewishka is holding her mutilated body, taunting her about turning her into a pendant so he can hear her screaming for mercy, and what does she do, well, she shoves her one good arm into one of Grewishka's eye sockets and tells him, "fuck your mercy." If you want to demonstrate that a character refuses to give up, this is a pretty hardcore way of doing it, Alita doesn't just get back up, she disfigures and blinds him, it's fucking awesome, it's far more awesome than Jude Law comedically taking a photon blast to the chest and not being even a little hurt by it.

This doesn't just show that Alita doesn't give up, it shows her complete refusal to accept defeat, even when she is at her most broken. But in an ironic twist, in this scene that shows Alita's heroic nature and inner strength, she ends up having to be saved by Ido and Hugo. You're probably wondering what is strong about needing to be saved, well, it goes back to my comparisons to playing a video game on god mode, where is the fun in not being able to lose, and her needing to be saved shows us that Alita, despite all her strength and will power, is fallible, she can lose. So when Ido unites her with the Berserker body, there's a lot of things going on from an emotional standpoint; Ido never wanted to give her that body because he knew the risk involved; he knew what Alita was and knew that giving her the most dangerous weapon on Earth could end very, very badly. Which makes his decision to do it very powerful, as he is torn between his love for Alita and his desire to keep her safe, he doesn't want to lose his daughter again, moreover, he doesn't want to be responsible for her death again, not when he has the power to save her. To Captain Marvel's credit, Danvers' moment of true empowerment is kind of cool, as she manages to defeat the Supreme Intelligence using sheer will power, but Alita's moment of empowerment is so much sweeter, at least to me, because it is an act of love, it is an act of a father trying to protect his daughter, and that, I feel, is just a little bit more powerful. Danvers is a character that is, at her core, propped up by a message, a very gendered, political message that distracts from the film, while also being a handy line of defence for the film itself, because as we all know, if you don't like a film and said film has a female lead, you're a misogynist.

But I can assume that a certain someone would claim Captain Marvel wasn't made for me, that this science fiction action film set in the MCU isn't made for men, it was made for girls, specifically girls, so they can look up to Danvers and see her as a hero. Slight issue, some sixty percent of the film's audience turn out were men, oops, but worse than that, the 'for the kids' defence is a terrible defence, like excusing a bad kids film because it's for kids, it isn't an excuse. There's nothing wrong with a character embodying a message, but for it to work, the message has to be good, which Captain Marvel's isn't, and the character themselves has to be good, which Carol Danvers isn't. The message of Captain Marvel is heavily political, coming from the feminist school of thought that women and girls are being held back by a malevolent patriarchy, a message that'll only really resonate with feminists, and Danvers herself is about as compelling, likable and cool as a door; there is a complete absence of charisma and joy and the character has no major development or emotional ark in the film, despite all the ingredients of one being there, chiefly the moral dilemma of siding with the Skrulls. And why doesn't she? because as her supposed best friend said, she was already a hero and the best woman ever before she could shoot fire from her hands, or something to that effect, she was already perfect, because of course she was. Danvers is a character that isn't allowed to show weakness, because weakness is, well, weak, and this is a feminist film after all, so why would a feminist film depict its feminist hero as weak in any way. Alita: Battle Angel is not a feminist film however, and it's all the better for it because Alita suffers in that film, she learns a lot of things the hard way and has to let go of something she loves, literally. Through that pain, we see a character that isn't perfect, and who has flaws that she can overcome.


The James Cameron brand of female empowerment
Alita and Carol Danvers are both just women in an unjust world, both are women who strive to make their unjust worlds a better place, both are heroes, though not for the same reasons. Alita becomes a hero through hardship, she learns how to be a hero the hard way and has to realise that the world that once filled her with wonder and joy is broken. On the other hand, Danvers has no journey to heroism, she doesn't have to learn anything the hard way and is told that her world is broken, a truth that barely phases her. One of these characters is a feminist hero, the other is not, yet despite existing to be a vessel for the message of female empowerment, Carol Danvers is just that; a vessel, a shell of a character that isn't allowed to be wrong or make mistakes. Whereas Alita, while literally a shell, is defined by her humanity above anything else, without needing to be propped up by a social or political message. It's all made even worse by the message itself, which tries to be positive and empowering, but ends up being a pointless exercise that kids could learn just as easily by watching The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, and they'd probably have a better time with it too. So here is my inevitable conclusion to my ridiculous question; Alita is best girl, bet you never saw that coming, but it really is a shame that in a lot of ways, Alita will never get the love she deserves, that the sort of people who should be idolising and worshiping her are ignoring her or, worse, attacking her as we'll see later, all because she doesn't fit their narrative, meanwhile Captain Marvel is their new Jesus, for no other reason than that she fits the narrative, a narrative she was designed to fit at the expense of being a real hero.

Hellboy (2019) movie review

Here's what you need to know; after a life of fighting the forces of evil and saving humanity, Hellboy is beginning to question whether his allegiance truly lies with the BPRD or if he's better off with his demon brethren. But a more pressing issue is at hand when a medieval blood witch returns from the grave with plans to bring an end to the human world, plans Hellboy has to stop, while also coming to terms with his very literal personal demons.
As I'm sure you're aware, I am a fanatic for Guillermo del Toro, the insane genius behind cinema gems like Pan's Labyrinth, The Devil's Backbone, Pacific Rim, The Shape of Water and of course, Hellboy and its sequel; The Golden Army. But for whatever reason, the sequel that The Golden Army deserved will never be made, and in its place we have this; a reboot/BPRD-CU set up that isn't directed by del Toro and does not star Ron Perlman as Hellboy. So while the trailers didn't swing me either way, I already knew that I'd be watching it with the del Toro films in mind, and that there's no way I'd see it as on par with them, but I at least expected it to be watchable. And do you know what, I was wrong, this movie is worse than I could ever have imagined it to be.

Hellboy opens with a prologue in which we see King Arthur and his Wizard Merlin slicing up the blood witch and burying her parts all over England so that they may never be reunited. Sounds all well and good doesn't it, but there's just one problem, the sequence comes with one of the most obnoxious narrations I've ever seen, it leaves nothing to your imagination and explains everything to you, even while it's happening on-screen; even when there's text telling you the where and when, they tell you anyway just in case you somehow missed white text filling the entire screen. The narration itself is also very edgy, and not in a good way, it's supposed to funny, but it comes across as childish and dumb, all while insulting your intelligence because apparently the best solution to the show, don't tell conundrum is to show and tell. We then get our reintroduction to Hellboy as he goes to Tijuana to retrieve a missing agent who turns out to have become a vampire demon luchador. The ensuing throw down isn't that bad in isolation, but ends up becoming part of a much larger problem that this film has. David Harbour is fine as Hellboy, the film as a whole has a more grotesque visual aesthetic than del Toro's films, and Hellboy's appearance is in keeping with that, because is not pretty, but as well as being easier on the eyes, Ron Perlman was more charismatic and charming, he was cool and fun, and David Harbour's Hellboy isn't even close, he's a bit of dick. del Toro's turning Hellboy into a whiner as also much better done in his films, because in this film, Hellboy comes across a lot more like a whiny, shitty kid, and when he clashes with his dad in the film, which always devolves into essentially Hellboy having a tantrum, it's more awkward than dramatic. And that's just the main guy, his friends aren't much better, but again, they live in a shadow of something better. There is no Abe in this film, none of them come anywhere near to the level of charm and comedy of Doug Jones as Abe, they do tease Abe in the sequel however, oh goody.

Instead of Abe, we get this arsehole Asian guy was going to be played by Ed Skrein before a whitewashing scandal, because current year, and a girl who can summon and talk to ghosts and literally punch the soul out of people, oh yeah, and the Asian guy turns into a cat, did I forget to mention that. I admire the effort in giving Hellboy some new sidekicks; as much as I love Abe, Krauss and Liz from the del Toro films, it would further undermine this film's existence to have exactly the same line up. The issue however is that the sidekicks in this film aren't all that good, and both of them are part of the film's larger problem, but let's not get hasty. Ian McShane replaces the late John Hurt as Hellboy's dad, the head of the BPRD who found him as a baby and decided to take him in, and they've clearly gone for a different kind of dad in this film, because gone is John Hurt's very fatherly quality, Ian McShane is, like everyone else in the film, kind of a dick, but I do at least like that he doesn't lie to Hellboy, that he says it how he sees it and does genuinely seem to love him, while omitting some crucial details about his 'birth.' The film's villain is also kind of cool in all honesty, maybe even cooler than Rasputin, and Milla Jovovich might just be a blood witch in real life because she too does not seem to age, she's hot. There is a degree of menace to her for sure, but the film doesn't really give you any time to dwell on the threat she poses, especially with its terrible sense of escalation, but we'll get to that. Her pig man minion was actually a lot cooler, he reminded me of Mr Wink from The Golden Army if he had a British accent and called everyone wanker, I liked him.

Then there was Baba Yaga, whose role in the film was minor, yet who was probably the creepiest thing in it, a repulsive old creature with a twisted, distorted body who walks around on broken limbs like a crab, it's nasty. Hellboy struggles to compare to the film that it's trying to replace from a character standpoint; its lead is childish and overly whiny, his sidekicks are dicks, his dad's a dick, but his enemy is a little cool and creepy, and hot. But it was inevitable that this would happen, or at least that I'd see it this way since I'm a fan of the films that this replaces and the man who made them, but the problems with Hellboy are a little more serious than some mediocre heroes, in fact, were it just them, this film has a lot of the makings of a good film, so how the film ended up being such a train wreck is baffling to me. Hellboy has one of the worst senses of escalation and plotting I've seen in a few years, honestly, not since Pacific Rim: Uprising have I seen a film where so much of the runtime is filler. Hellboy starts, bad prologue, then Hellboy goes to Mexico and fights a Luchador demon vampire, one whose final words bear a cryptic, apocalyptic warning, so far, so good. Then he goes to the BPRD headquarters in America, before immediately being flown to England to help some aristocratic gang of giant hunters, and this is completely detached from the film's primary conflict.

It is here that we get Hellboy's origins story in a scene that just sort of happens, one that, like the prologue, has a pointless and annoying narration. Having your hero's origins in the film isn't a massive issue, that is unless you can't do it in a natural way, which this film doesn't, and if that wasn't bad enough, this sequence has a severe case of the world building, and not the good kind. It's got everything; Nazis, Rasputin, a famous Nazi Hunter called Lobster Johnson who's treated like a big deal but isn't even brought up again, and outside of setting up a terribly handled character conflict, this entire sequence is, like the giant hunters, completely detached from the primary conflict. The giant hunters try to kill him before getting fucked up by giants, giants that Hellboy then fucks up in a gory throw down before falling unconscious and being rescued by a girl we don't know, but that the film seems to think we know. It's only now that Hellboy finds out about a blood witch, and this is a good ways into the film, by which point Pig Man has gathered all but one piece of her body and is ready to complete her resurrection. The film goes from random and inconsequential things happening to all of a sudden the plot is here and the world is already ending, in about fifteen minutes, there is no suspense or build up to this apocalypse so when it starts, there is also no sense of dread or stakes. This disastrous sense of escalation and foreshadowing carries on throughout the film, as Hellboy then learns that he's the last living relative of King Arthur, which I swear isn't a joke. This film is just a complete mess from beginning to end, and the few things that do work, like Asian cat guy's anti-Hellboy bullet are overshadowed by the complete shattering of any suspense of disbelief, in other words, this film is nonsense.

Then there's the bits where the film tries to be funny, because comedy is just what we need is a film about Hell and monsters and zombie spider ladies that kidnap and eat children. But this becomes a problem when in tandem with the film's gore, because while the gore is menially entertaining, its comedy is very immature and undercooked, which hurts the film's tone as one minute it'll try to be dark and serious, then the next Hellboy will be attempting to make a joke. Far from feeling like it earns its R rating, Hellboy just looks like it's trying to be edgy, which isn't a problem if it's done with some spice and a degree of subtlety, but when it's this in your face, and it's this easy and juvenile, it just becomes annoying, yet another annoyance to add to this film's long list. But it might be able to appeal to the masses on some level, right, after all, it's a violent, gory R-rated superhero film, and they're super in right now. But like the Luchador fight in the opening or the giant battle, there is very little cohesion from scene to scene, particularly in the film's first half, making the scenes where Hellboy isn't killing things seem boring because they don't amount to anything. But at least when Hellboy is killing things, there is a very simple kind of fun to be had in it, what with the ludicrous amount of gore. With the addition of the gore, as well as the climax having literal demons and the film's soundtrack having some pretty metal vibes going on, there was something almost DOOM-ish about parts of this film, which might put a smile on some people's faces, but it only makes me wish that the film went a little more DOOM with its demons and music, because we're talking about DOOM here, you go balls to the wall extreme or you don't bother.

Another thing Hellboy has in common with DOOM is its horror, which, in this case, consists of some very grotesque and hellish monsters, brought to life with a combination of CG and practical effects, and some of the effects looked good. As ugly as Hellboy is, the makeup work done on him was good, Baba Yaga was very good, and a lot of the effects were elevated by some beautifully horrifying imagery, but then there's the CG effects, which look kind of sad. Some of it's good, like the CG on the Pig Man, but then there are some of the demons in the finale, which look pretty bad, a few terrible greenscreen shots and a host of other things that look noticeably fake, including helicopters for some reason. But then there's the girl's ghost summoning, which is not only very gross, but in the end of the film, looks completely pathetic, like the actor's face was projected onto a dummy, a dummy which was itself already noticeably a CG effect. Some of it's bad, some of it's okay, but like the issue of some of the film's story beats working, they end up being ruined by the sheer mediocrity of the film as a whole. But hey, at least they set up Abe for the sequel, a sequel which will totally happen and will totally be an improvement, totally. There was also an action sequence that uses Kickstart My Heart by Motley Crue, which you know I love, that makes everything better. And as disjointed, sloppy, awkward, edgy and ridiculous as this film was, the action sequences were, as I said before, fun enough, in a mindless sort of way.


Some dads get their kids Legos
Hellboy is a film that was fighting an uphill battle from the word go, having effectively been tasked with replacing del Toro's Hellboy films and filling the hole left by a non-existent Hellboy 3, but this is the film we have now, and it's a train wreck. Its heroes aren't very likable, its plot is a disaster and its pacing and tone are all over the place. Its action sequences are decent at times, usually elevated by some good music, but they're pulled back down more often than not by visual effects that vary from noticeably fake to outright crap. The film is a disjointed heap of events and circumstances with no real degree of tension or stakes, making a demon invasion seem inconsequential, and I never thought I'd say this, but Captain Marvel, as much as I dislike that film, was more cohesive and well-made than this, dare I say it, I had more fun with Captain Marvel. Hellboy is not good, at all, and I wouldn't recommend it.