The Predator movie review

Here's what you need to know; even in his dangerous and surprise filled life as an Army Ranger, Quinn McKenna has never encountered a foe like this one as a mission is interrupted by a run in with a Predator. But the Predator isn't the only thing out for blood, as McKenna finds himself in the sights of merciless Government agents and a beast even the Predator stands little chance against, another Predator.

At least it wasn't twenty years between sequels like last time, assuming I or anyone was ever really interested in a Predator 4. That's a bit of a sweeping statement, just as I'm really pumped for the thirty-fifth Godzilla film, I'm sure someone out there was really looking forward to the fourth instalment in this classic franchise, written and directed by Shane Black, whose previous directorial efforts included a buddy cop comedy and a Marvel movie, which really should have been a red flag for the people now complaining that the film is too comedic. What this does for the film is something we'll get to, but as we'll also get to, this film's problems run a little deeper than a few out of place gags.

The Predator doesn't bog down its opening minutes with any kind of exposition, as we are literally dropped into it as the Predator falls to Earth, and people start dying not long after as McKenna and his squad come across the ship's escape pod and McKenna narrowly escapes its hinge headed occupant. So far, so good, we've had some cool alien shit and some gruesome death, how can this go south, easily, you through in an autistic kid. McKenna's son Rory adds practically nothing to this film that isn't mandated by its convoluted plot; he's a lonely autistic kid who's bullied at school and struggles with home life but he's really smart, he's exactly the kind of character you'd think he is and he does everything you think he'd do, even if that thing is so stupid that you'd never dream of the film stooping that low, like, for instance, this Autistic middle schooler accidentally activating Predator tech, learning how it works and even learning how to read and translate the Predator language. How the film establishes his autism is at least fairly affective, if a bit exaggerated, but the issue I have isn't that, it's how the film goes on to portray Autism.

 I'm not some sappy snowflake who's here to whine about racial insensitivity like a humourless cunt, so I'll keep this short for now, but the film openly infers that Autism has the potential to be the next step in human evolution, which is absurd to anyone who is or has experience with Autism; like Rory in this very film, people with Autism are smart but socially impaired, they have issues with communication and expression and have a harder time handling more stressful situations, I know this because I've lived this. To suggest that this condition that makes a person less equipped and therefore less efficient in social interaction and development is somehow the next step for humanity is absurd, which would be silly enough on its own, but then the film very unwisely deploys Chekov's gun and makes this inference a crucial aspect of the film's final act by tying it into the Predator's mission on Earth, which is another issue entirely and one I don't care about spoiling. The film isn't afraid to go near serious stuff and make some spicy jokes about them, and not even Autism escapes that; I particularly found Nettles' remark about Rory being retarded hilarious, but it's not that that insults me, it's in fact when the film tries to play it sincerely that it becomes hard for someone who actually knows what it's like to call bullshit.

Fortunately his dad's a bit easier to get behind, when he's not swallowing potentially dangerous alien technology that is, but like a lot of the characters in the film, there's very little in the way of development or surprises; he's a gruff, highly trained soldier who gets shit done, and while he fails miserably at being a decent dad, he's do anything to keep his son out of danger, like Rory, he is and does exactly what you think he'd be and do. But despite being played by the villain from Logan, he's a surprisingly likable guy, no doubt because of his positive archetypal traits and spicy banter. The same applies to his ragtag gaggle of comrades; Nebraska, Coyle, Nettles, Lynch and Baxley, whose names I got from IMDb because I didn't remember a single one of them. Like McKenna, these guys aren't much of a surprise, but they were a decent enough collection of supporting characters, two of them shared a subplot about having PTSD that was a little on the sweet side, and the lot of them bring the chuckles with their endless banter, that being said, I still had to IMDb their names, which is never a good thing.

I also had to look up Casey Bracket's name who, in a shocking twist, isn't the romantic interest of the film. Like the soldiers she joins in their mission to stop the Predator, there's not really a lot to her, frankly, I spent the entire film wondering how this Biologist is so good with a rifle, given that she isn't a soldier and the film never establishes or even implies prior firearms training. But there she is in the finale of the film, shooting a machine gun alongside the trained soldiers with the same proficiency, likely the result of the convoluted plot mandating that she's good with guns, it's weird, but at least she's useful I guess. Which just leaves us with the final name I looked up; Traeger, the dickbag Government guy on McKenna's tail, who's probably the most surprising character in the film purely because I didn't expect him to be such a slimy dickbag. The head of the agency tracking down and studying the Predator, he's also out to tie up loose ends, which of course means killing McKenna and his friends, hey, that rhymed. He also has funny moments, and moments of blinding stupidity, perhaps more so than anyone else, and the film goes out of its way at times to make him look extra slimy, but like the good guys, there's no real reason to invest in him besides the banter. It really is like the film uses banter to mask that its characters are boring, that it uses comedy as a substitute for giving the audience anything to really care about, which makes the film funny, yes, but at the cost of me having to look up everyone's names because they weren't memorable.

The comedy also gives The Predator issues with tone. The comedy is funny, but it comes at the expense of any worthwhile emotional depth and kills any sense of suspense, which makes this Predator film not feel like a Predator film. In the finale of the film when everyone has to take up arms against the Predator, it should be nail biting but it's not, partly because there's no real sense of danger for all the jokes, and because the Predator in this film is indestructible, and the film giving the two main parties of this fight this much plot armour makes the fight itself painfully predictable and completely lacking in tension or stakes. The deaths are gory but there's no real impact from them because of the film's muddled tone and the lack of audience investment, so even when McKenna's friends start getting picked off and the film wants you to feel it, you just don't.

Earlier in the film there's also a showdown between McKenna and company and a pair of big arse alien dogs, and again there's no suspense in the sequence, moreover there's stupidity as one character simply walks up to one of them and shoots it in the head it a bolt gun. Where he got a bolt gun I don't know, why he just walked up to this supposedly dangerous alien while everyone else was shooting at it I don't know, how the bolt gun managed to debilitate it when bullets did literally nothing I don't know. This sequence as well as the finale make so little sense while you're watching them that it's hard to tell what's going on, not because of shaky cam or anything like that, but because these sequences are so spontaneous, so riddled with stupidity, and weirdly, so poorly cut together, that they end up nearly incomprehensible. I'm a bit more of a stickler for editing and cinematography than most, but even my normie friends noticed how bad some of the editing was in this film; jarring camera zooms, crappy slow mo, bad transitions between scenes or even between shots, the action is a bit of a headache to watch, which is downright unacceptable. But it is all these niggles, the wonky editing, the laundry list of plot contrivances and the slithers of utter stupidity that drag this film down to mediocrity, but even ignoring the plot contrivances, how a film this sloppily put together came from the director of The Nice Guys I will never know.

Spoilers

But those contrivances though. Well there are the ones I've already blathered about; Rory and the film's portrayal of Autism, the poor character development, the biologist turned weapons expert, the RV that's apparently the mystery box from Call of Duty Zombies, etc, but then there's what they did to the Predator. Apparently, the Predators don't just hunt the galaxy's most dangerous animals for sport, they now also assimilate said animals' most dangerous traits through genetic manipulation to perfect themselves. This sounded like an excuse to have a common threat when I first heard it, but the humans and the Predator never team up in this film, so what purpose did it serve exactly. I'll tell you what, and I will be spoiling the film's finale here, you've been warned, but remember how Autism is supposedly the next step in human evolution, yeah, the Predators now want to assimilate Autism, what the Christ is wrong with this film. As I said earlier, Autism makes people smarter, but it causes trouble with social interaction and expression, so for a Predator, a creature supposedly out to make itself more efficient and deadlier than it already is, wanting to assimilate a trait that makes you less efficient is downright retarded. And it's not like Rory does anything that the Predator can't already do; the Predator can pilot a space ship, it can translate alien languages and use another species' technology, so exactly what trait does it want from Rory that it doesn't already have, an aversion to loud noises? This mission of assimilation and perfection is retconning at its finest, and it's Autistic brain fart makes it downright insulting, especially after I paid more attention on my second viewing, yes, I saw it twice, and specifically picked up that the Predator calls Rory a "warrior," Rory, the autistic school kid, warrior, I give up, I give up.

And to top it all off, the film's final scene has a stinger for Predator 5, because of course it does. In the stinger we are treated to a new suit of Predator armour designed for humans, one that builds itself around the wearer from nanoparts and has about five auto targeting shoulder cannons on each shoulder, mounted to giant railgun looking things. I honestly can't conceive of the mind of someone who'd think up anything like this, it's the kind of thing a six year old would dream up; a super duper mega predator with nineteen million guns and a jetpack, but this film did already have a genetic super Predator that wanted to become an Aspie and his retarded space dog so I really don't know at this point. I might as well rattle off the remaining points of interest and wrap this up; the film's visual effects are great, the CG is top notch and the practical effects are refreshing and brilliant, the film's use of the original Predator's soundtrack was a nice touch, but it contributes to the film's already confused tone. As bad as the story is, as flat as the heroes are, at least the comedy is good most of the time, the banter is gold at times and the situational humour also hits more often than not, but it further confuses this film's identity and actively contributes to the entire film's absence of tension, as well as being used as a crutch for its sloppy characters. It's lipstick on a pig, it doesn't fix the problems, just dolls them up.

Do I get a cookie now

How The Predator turned out like this is a mystery people much smarter than me will have to solve instead, because it's beyond me. The film has good visual effects and funny comedy, yet even with the banter my list of issues just gets longer and longer. The film's editing is bizarrely poor, making the action a chore to watch, and it can't really seem to tell what kind of film it is, it being a Predator film that's devoid of suspense. But The Predator's greatest sins come from its nonsensical story, forgettable heroes and villains, retconning of the worst kind, an ending stinger that's laughable, and worst of all, its handling of autism, which might have actually hurt my feelings were I not so stunned by how headache inducingly stupid it is. I'm not losing sleep over this because I'm not a cry baby, but I am genuinely stunned that The Predator took this path, tried to become a philosophical debate on mental illness while literally weaponizing said illness. This has taken over my thinking about The Predator now so I'm wrapping up. The Predator is an underwhelming follow up to the original film in every way, it's a sloppy, ridiculous, insulting mess and were it not for the banter, I'd honestly rather watch Pacific Rim: Uprising, I wouldn't recommend this film.