This isn't a movie I wanted to review on this very big day for Thunderbirds, but since it is such a big day for Thunderbirds, I figured now's as good a time as any to review the movie that killed Thunderbirds for the best part of the last decade.
Let's be reasonable, and start with what I like in this movie. Literally 5 minutes into the movie is a genuinely cool scene with the Thunderbirds and an oil rig fire, it's a scene that could have been even better if it didn't constantly cut back to Alan, but all in all I do like this scene. Unfortunately the longer you watch, the more that scene hurts, because it then starts to sink in just what this movie could have been, and how hard it failed, more on that later. I do also like some of the casting in this film, some, Ben Kingsley, Sophia Myles and Ron Cook I thought were pretty decently cast as the Hood, Lady Penelope and Parker respectively, and if anyone else in the movie was good maybe I'd have given Bill Paxton a chance as Jeff Tracy, unfortunately that's it for casting. Truth be told the only Tracy brother I could really tell apart from the others was John, and that's only because he was blond, all of the Tracy brothers are completely flat, they're not even characters, and that's just fucking sinful, here's a great idea, let's take the Tracy family, the main characters of Thunderbirds, and have 2/3 of them be nothing more than extras in a movie called Thunderbirds, but that's all they are, literally. I could stop there but I won't, Alan is our main character, so how is he, he's serviceable as an underdog who will save the day, completely serviceable, unfortunately serviceable doesn't always pass as good, and here it doesn't, compared to his friends however, he's a fantastic character. Tintin is played by Vanessa Hudgens, need I say more, and I think I'll mention Brains and his son as a pair, because oh my fucking god, in the Original Thunderbirds Brains had a stutter, and I never once found that stutter annoying, it was just something he did, but here, every word out of his mouth is torture to the ears, every st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-speech impediment outstays it's welcome, every sentence ends with him st-st-st-st-st-st-st-having di-di-di-di-di-a hard time speaking, it was pretty fucking irritating, and if that's not bad enough, we have 2 of them, dandy. Oh I'm not done, I haven't even mentioned Mullion and Transom, the Hood's 2 number one goons. Mullion is a character I actually found some enjoyment in, just because of lines like "I love a challenge", Transom on the other hand, you know what, I'm not even going there.
As far as the movie's plot goes it's pretty straight forward, it's not the worst movie plot ever, but, well, it's not the worst, the Hood wants to rob banks and he's going to do it with stolen Thunderbird equipment. Now is when I get back to my rant, a huge chunk of this film is set on Tracy Island, and not even the cool places on the island, no, in the jungle, yep, the jungle, how cool, and it's all stupid shit, like Tintin slowing down Mullion with a bee hive, how ingenious and effective, a bee hive. It's all this stupid stuff that will have the kids laughing because haha a bee hive to the FACE, it doesn't have to make sense in any way or even be funny, just bee hive to the FACE. This dumb slapstick is all over the place, and if it isn't bad enough on it's own, they even gave them little wacky sound effects, and they even put the little wacky sound effects elsewhere, like the fight scenes. Now I must admit I laughed a few times with Penelope and Parker, I thought that from time to time they were funny, but when Parker goes in for the knock out blow, and they throw in a wacky sound effect, it's ruined. Elsewhere in this story is Alan rising up and saving the day and being the hero, and it would be serviceable if it wasn't handled in such a clumsy way, Jeff Tracy just has no faith in Alan, to the point of it being douchy, and then there's the goo goos, you know that will they won't they thing Alan and Tintin had in the original, let's straight up state it nice and clearly, Alan likes Tintin, oh how romantic, please shoot me. That reminds me, writing, it's shit, and not so bad it's good shit, though there are a few gems here and there, it's just bad. Also, this movie is called Thunderbirds, so you'd expect to see some Thunderbirds, but really there's the Oil rig rescue at the beginning, maybe about 3 minutes, the Thunderbird 5 missile strike, maybe about 2 minutes, and the Thames recuse near the end, maybe about 10 minutes, plus maybe an extra 2 and a half for Thunderbird 1 and 2 take off sequences, that's it, really not a lot of Thunderbirds there, remember how I said that the oil rig rescue ends up being painful when you realise what the movie could have been, this is what I mean, the Thunderbirds are barely in it and that, like the Tracy brothers, is fucking sinful.
Now let's get into technicals, and I will actually take a bit of a break from my rant here, because I have some positive things to say. First off I'll talk about the design of the Thunderbird machines, because I actually like them, except Thunderbird 4, that thing's hideous, but the other 4 look pretty cool, especially Thunderbird 1, I think they're actually pretty well designed and designed with a serviceable amount of appreciation for the classic Thunderbirds, they're very in keeping with the spirit of the original Thunderbirds, again, with the exception of Thunderbird 4, and 2 of the 3 specialised vehicles, Mole looked pretty good, Firefly and Thunderizer not so much. And actually, being reasonable, the CG used to create them actually looks really good, now always, but sometimes it looks really good, I guess that's where all the $50 million went. The take off sequences also look kind of cool, I'll get to Thunderbird 2 in a sec, but Thunderbird 1 and 3 had pretty cool take off sequences, that's why I used one of them for the taster image, Thunderbird 2 is less cool, having a very slow and clumsy take off sequence with Thunderbird 2 being rolled onto the take off ramp on a giant platform, it's all just big and stupid. Jonathan Frakes' directing has it's moments, again I refer you to the taster image, but there are times where this film, purely from a visual standpoint, is joyous to look at, but with those high highs come some low lows, there are other times where it's really bad, and there are times when the camera shakes, not shaky cam, it's like someone taped a vibrator to the camera and turned it on before filming, it looks crap. Then there's the already mentioned wacky sound effects, coupled with a few jokes and scenes that really aren't that appropriate for kids, not in a clever way where they'll get it when they're older, just in a way that's really inappropriate and out of place.
This film has some good things, it has brilliant special effects, cool machines and some good performances, and there are times where the directing really shines, it's a shame then that from pretty much every other angle this film is complete and utter trash, it has no idea what Thunderbirds is, and instead goes in a direction that sends it straight down the road to hell. It's got bad acting, shit writing, characters that make my ears, eyes, and brain hurt, humour that isn't funny, and most shamefully a complete lack of any of the spirit or heart of the original Thunderbirds. It's a disaster, and it's a movie I'd advise you avoid at all costs.
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